Life in the middle

Cha-Cha-Changes

2011-10-12T21:08:00.002-05:00

Today at work, I had a four hour training on dealing with change or more accurately, transitions. I won't say that that the training was terribly helpful, but it was interesting to see what "management" thinks we need to learn. Right now, dramatic things are changing in my office, and its not my favorite. The problem isn't the changes - I actually think they will be great for everyone involved, maybe more work. No the problem is that the things we are going to be using aren't ready yet. Its a struggle to figure out what we are supposed to be doing when the software we are supposed to be using isn't working yet. We'll get there, but we're not there yet.

In fact, I feel like the training was more applicable with my personal life rather than my job. In my personal life, I can take the steps necessary to let go of the past and embrace the future. I don't really have that same control with job.

Decisions, Decisions

2011-10-05T22:10:00.002-05:00

Prior to my last post, I had been thinking about something for a bit, sort of a dream, but I thought it was out of my reach. That it was something that PB wasn't going to want, and I've asked too much of him the past couple of years to throw something else at him. A couple weeks ago, we went to a friend's wedding in Chicago and caught up with a bunch of people that I hadn't realized I missed. At the wedding, I talked about my dream with one of my friends and about how I couldn't put PB through all that. She asked me if I had asked him, and I realized that I had not. I just assumed he wouldn't agree to it or wouldn't support me making even more changes to his life. So, after my last blog post, I asked him. I told him what I was thinking, what I was dreaming, how I was feeling, and I was happily surprised that he wasn't against it. I'm constantly amazed my his faith in me, and his willingness to support me.

So, this week I took the first step. I filled out an application. Now, I have to wait. It will be a long waiting period - and it leaves me in limbo for a long time, but this finally feels right. It feels right in a great, jumping up and down excitment kind of way. It makes my heart glow. Perhaps its a step I should have taken several years ago, but now, after years of dreaming, I'm ready to try. I may fail. Most people fail, but that's alright. I'll never know if I don't try.

Shattered Dreams

2011-09-29T19:51:00.004-05:00

Today for the first time in a while I looked at this blog. I read many, but not all, of my old posts. I can't help but feel how much I've changed. I look back on those past, hopeful posts and see a future that never was, a me I never became. While I see a reflection of my former self in those posts, they no longer fit the skin of the current me.

I know I've told some of you that I felt like a failure that my Chicago job didn't work out. I've come to realize that its more than that. I do like my current job, but I've begun to feel like I gave up on the dreams of the girl that I once was. I wanted to BE someone, to do something, to change something. Now, I'm much like the person that was my former-self's nightmare. I feel as though I let myself down. I took an easy, acceptable track instead of following the path less traveled. I wanted to be more than the person that I've become. I only wish I knew how to explain what I mean.

The girl I was, she was naive and full of infinite possibilities. Now, I feel like I've closed doors and built myself a box, a cage, really. The cage is nice, full of cozy nooks - very comfortable, but still a cage. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not changing the world.

But then, I think about what I do. Unlike my high paying, former hellhole of a job, I actually like what this job does. While I deal with people at a low point in their lives (let's be honest - its pretty bad if you are talking to me), I feel like I have the potential to really make a difference, to give someone hope when they have none, to influence a person's future choices, to help them see the possibility that their lives still hold. Its sad that I'm not seeing that for myself right now. The people I work with are good at what they do, passionate, and really the best of the best. I've heard it said more than once that I work at the best office for what I do in that nation. Still, its not enough for me. I'm not sure what will be. I have thoughts - but they would mean abandoning my cage, and I'm not ready to try that again. I just need to feel challenged again, but in a way that makes me feel like a success.

I'm beginning to feel like the hellhole stole something from me, not sure what. I think its a bit of my self-worth, and I hate that I let those assholes take it from me. I think its a bit of my self-respect and that makes me even angrier. I know its all of my physical fitness (why did I let that happen and why can't I get myself to fight to get that back?).

Its official

2010-03-10T11:54:00.002-06:00

As of today, I have informed my employer and co-workers that my last day on the job will be March 26, 2010. This morning the bf also informed them that he was leaving. I think that next month will involve us traveling a bit. I'm thinking the Grand Canyon, Phoenix, San Diego, LA, and San Francisco. Maybe doing a bit of the Northwest. I'm nervous and excited.

To Buy or Not to Buy

2010-03-05T16:27:00.003-06:00

This weekend I'm headed out to look at apartments and houses and condos. I'm in a weird place right now given the fuzziness with my job situation -- I kind of have a job, but not really. I'm debating about whether to buy or rent. Here's my options:

1) rent a nice 2-3 bedroom apartment (dishwasher, washer/dryer hookups, garage, central air) for about $750-$1000 in a fun/good area.

2) buy a 3 bedroom house in a good school district (but not really fun area) for $200,000-$250,000.

3) buy a 2 bedroom condo (maintenance fee of $150/month) in a good area that's close to the fun area for about $115,000.

I have enough money for a good downpayment on either of the purchasing options, and the tax credit seems like an awesome deal (especially for the condos), but I'm not sure I want to be locked into a condo and I'm not sure I'm financially in a position to purchase a house before the end of April.

So I guess I'll see what I see. Anyone have any thoughts?

I'm blind

2010-03-04T12:16:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor. Nothing terribly unusual there. I go once a year. I went to the same doctor I had gone to the year before. I knew that my vision had gotten worse.

As the title of this post indicates, I'm blind. My old perscription was a -9.0, and things had gotten pretty fuzzy (at least on the left side). When I told my doctor this, I got a 20 minute lecture on how I was too old for my eyes to still be growing (and getting worse), and that I wasn't really more blind that I had been before, and that she wasn't going to increase my perscription even though I wanted her to. I looked at her dubiously and told her, "Whatever, but you're fuzzy and you are sitting 2 feet from me." This launched her into another diatribe about how I wasn't gonna get a higher perscription out of her.

Then she did my vision test.

I walked out of there with a -9.5 lens in my right eye and a -10.0 in my left. She blamed my vision change on birth control. I blame it on practicing law.

Of drug tests and physicals

2010-03-02T13:45:00.003-06:00

After a weekend of excitment (how times have changed when outlet mall shopping, a nice dinner, and a baby shower with old friends can be considered excitment), I came back to the real world of Chicago. Yesterday, I received a letter telling me the location of the medical facility for my physical as required for my potential future job.

This morning, I called to schedule my phyical, the phyical that is required before I can find out my start date or salary for potential future job. I thought - no big deal. But it is- next appointment date=APRIL 29. That's right, I'm left in limbo land for approximately 2 months. While I'm not terribly concerned about the physical, I am slightly worried. As you know, my elbow injury has left me with some limitations on my range of motion, and this has the potential to be a problem for potential future job. Also, apparently gall bladder disease can occasionally be a problem (and we all know that I no longer have a gall bladder).

This leaves me with a number of questions. Do I apply for other jobs (seems like a bad idea cause it might piss people off, including my references, since I already provisionally accepted potential future job)? What date do I decide for my last day at this one (oh I wish you were tomorrow finish date)? Should I go ahead and rent an apartment in the STL starting in April (my lease here ends at the end of March) or should I try to talk my landlord into an extra month?

On better news, I had my drug test today. That's a weird experience. They lock your purse in a cabinet, and your coat outside the door. No flushing or washing your hands until the person comes back.

Good News

2010-02-19T21:51:00.002-06:00

Today I got some good news. I feel like I should be jumping up and down excited. I got a provisional job offer. Back in St. Louis. Doing a job that's a complete change of pace. I'll be doing something that might change people's lives - not just their pocket books. I also might be carrying a gun. Its crazy and exciting and somewhat unreal.

At the same time, I'm not as excited as I should be. My boyfriend can't even look me in the eye. I don't feel that he supports me. In fact, all I hear is "its not fair." I keep saying that I want him to come with me, but there's not much I can do.

I want to feel like its time to break out the Champagne, but I've got no one to drink it with.

Chicago

2010-02-09T14:21:00.003-06:00

Whenever people asked me why I was moving to Chicago, I always told them that I wanted "to see if I could." That's a stupid reason. Don't get me wrong - I've gotten a lot out of my move to Chicago.

With the dark overtone of my previous post, I must say that there are parts of Chicago I love. I've enjoyed explored a new place. I've eaten at fantastic restaurants. I love being able to walk to all kinds of wonderful places. I love the variety of music venues and artists that the city attracts. I love the fact that on any spring or summer weekend there is a music festival, street fair, or art fair somewhere in the city. I love that I walk to work. I love that my brother and his family are a 45 minute train or car ride away. I love the smell of the chocolate factory and the way it feels like home. I love the potential.

I love Lakeshore Drive and the view from the top of the Hancock. I love free outdoor ice skating. I love Ann Sather cinnamon rolls and stuffed dates at Avec. I love th skyline.

Its nice to visit, but I'm ready to be just comfortable again.

New Beginnings

2010-01-15T16:19:00.002-06:00

I haven't written anything in this blog since I moved to Chicago. At first this was a conscious decision. I was making a clean break from my past, seeing what I could make of this new life, looking for a new future and a new self.

But, after a few months, my reasons for not posting changed. My loneliness was overwhelming. I missed my friends. I missed the comfortable life I had left behind. I missed being in a city that I knew like the back of my hand. I missed enjoying my job.

That last one was a big one. I longed for days when my stomach wouldn't hurt out of anxiety and fear that I was going to screw up or get yelled at for no apparent reason (happened more than once). I longed to legitimately like the people I worked for.

None of this happened. Well, that's not entirely true. My stomach stopped hurting - not because the fear went away, but because it stopped mattering to me. It was replaced with dread. Every day I woke up thinking that I didn't want to go to work.

All that changed a week before Christmas. I found out that come April, I won't have this dreaded job anymore. I have to find something else to do. This statement was liberating. I don't have to keep doing this, and I will succeed in doing something else. Doors have been opened and the possibilities seem endless. I just needed a push.

Its not to say that the move hasn't had its good parts - my boyfriend has ended the lonely oppression. Still - I feel like I'm emerging into the sunlight (and hopefully taking him with me).

A few more thoughts on the Kindle

2008-08-08T18:30:00.002-05:00

I guess I'm just unlucky. I'm beginning to think I might have been better off with a Sony Reader. Somehow I got a defective Kindle. I had read about people having problems with it freezing, but didn't think I would need to worry about that. Well, I do.

So far (in the one day I have owned it), my Kindle has frozen 4 times. Frozen to the point where the key combination that is supposed to reset it doesn't work. Frozen to the point where I had to manually reset it (using a paperclip in a little hole behind the back cover.

Oh, and its "whispernet" doesn't work. It get a signal just fine, but then can't connect to the internet. Its not the cell reception - something in mine is broken.

At least the customer service at Amazon seems to be pretty darn good. They are overnighting me a new one, and then I have a month to return this one.

I'll update and let you all know if the new one has the same problems.

Kindle

2008-08-07T22:28:00.004-05:00

As I wrote on Cathy's blog today, I bought a Kindle. I thought I would share my thoughts on it with you all.

Now, as for the wireless connectivity of whispernet, I really don't know anything about it. I knew it wouldn't be good in the apartment since my cell phone reception is so terrible, and I wasn't surprised to find that I didn't have any connectivity. I'm sure I will enjoy being able to download books instantly while I am away from home (traveling within the US or during my commutes after I move to Chicago).

As far as the reading experience goes - its alright, but not so fantastic that I think I will use it all the time. I big part of the problem is the screen size and the time it takes to refresh the screen or put up the next page. I read very quickly, and the lag time is extremely noticable. Its particularly annoying if you accidentally press the forward button. I wish the page held more words as well. I have my font set on the smallest font size, but its still not enough. I wish it could hold as many words as a regular book page.

All in all, I'm glad I bought it, and I think I will get a lot of use out of it. Its really going to be nice to have it in Europe (otherwise I would need to lug around a ton of books). Still, if I didn't read as quickly I wouldn't need something like the Kindle so much, but because I read so quickly its flaws are more annoying.

Warning

2008-08-05T15:35:00.001-05:00

I'm taking this down in the next couple weeks.

I hate the new Microsoft stuff

2008-07-20T11:12:00.003-05:00

A couple months ago, I bought a new laptop. After having major problems with converting a Microsoft Works document into Wordperfect (I work for the federal government so everything is in Wordperfect at work), I decided to upgrade to Word. Luckily I had no problem installing Word (the guys at Best Buy warned me that I might need a patch cause apparently Word doesn't recognize one of the versions of Works). Then I started using the Word 2007.

I hate the ribbon. I can't find any of the commands I normally use. I can't figure out how to turn on view codes. I'm annoyed that I had trouble finding Times New Roman (well, it took me a couple minutes). I don't care that the new default font is "easier on the eye" - everything I write for work has to be in Times. Its what people expect in my field.

I want the old Word back! I didn't switch to Apple cause I didn't want to have to learn a new user interface, and now I'm being forced to learn one by Microsoft. Why isn't there an option to view Word in the old user interface (also, I hate the new Internet Explorer on Vista - much harder to use the find in a document feature - which I use constantly on Westlaw!)

So annoyed (although my annoyance could be caused by the fact that I'm working from home on a weekend cause I have to make up for the stupid flight situation last Monday).

Sleep Deprivation and Misery - It feels like a dream

2008-07-15T10:13:00.003-05:00

I don't really know how to write about my trip home from Virginia. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, but I generally just grinned and bared it. What else was I going to do, what else was there to do? For those of you who didn't get random, slept deprived, slightly incoherent text messages from me, here's the story.

I arrived at the Williamsburg/Newport News airport an hour and a half before my flight. I waited in line to return my rental car (took 15 minutes), then waited in line to check in on at the AirTran automated computer thingy (another 15 minutes). The line to check in with an agent was super long so I was glad I wasn't checking a bag. The automated computer didn't "recognize my itinerary" so I had to wait in the line. That's when I discovered all the flights were delayed. Not a good start.

I finally get up to the gate about 20 minutes before my flight was supposed to leave (but no worries, it was delayed already) and checked in, got my tickets for both flights. I knew I was going to miss my flight from Atlanta to STL so I asked if the agent could check and book me on the later flight out. Great customer service person that he was, he told me that he couldn't help me and to check with the gate agent. I went through security (no problem there), then went to check with the gate agent. No gate agent. I went to a different gate, checked on my flight, found out I would definitely miss it (turns out it had already been cancelled), and was rebooked on a 9:58 flight (which was already delayed until 11:15). I called a hotel in Atlanta to find out if there were vacancies, but I didn't book it (a decision I would come to regret). Then I sat down and waited.

Around 5:30, we boarded our 2:30 flight to Atlanta. The flight was unremarkable. We arrived in Atlanta to chaos. Our flight sat on the runway for 45 minutes, essentially unmoving. We weren't allowed to get up and go to the bathroom. Finally, we got a gate, but when we got there, we waited another 20 minutes for a driver for the gate thing. As we deplaned, I knew I was entering a version of hell. I checked what gate the STL flight was leaving out of (now delayed till 1:10) and took the Atlanta tram to the C terminal. As I took the escalator up to the main level, I knew I had entered a version of hell.

People were everywhere and everyone looked angry. A line ran down the center of the airport, and the line spanned the entire AirTran section of the airport. All of the restaurants had lines out of the door. I wondered down to the Delta section (which was mysteriously less crowded than the AirTran section - even though they experienced the same weather in the morning - thunderstorms that were over long before I arrived in Atlanta). I ate dinner and drank a beer. Nothing to do but wait. I started chatting with another passenger. Around 11 we got kicked out of that place and headed to a second bar. Miraculously we got a table, and I decided it was a good idea to switch to diet coke. This bar was hot (I later found out the airport had shut off the air conditioning - yeah, standard protocol cause normally the airport would be empty then). At around 12:15, the random guy and I went our separate ways as his flight was supposed to leave at 12:45. At that point my flight was pushed back to 2:50 or so.

I continued waiting, and read a bad book.

As the night passed, more and more flights were cancelled. Not due to lack of pilots or planes, but due to lack of flight attendants. I watched as flights to New York, Bloomington, and Dayton got cancelled. At 2:30, they announced a gate change for my flight. When we arrived at that gate, there was a single man who announced that there were no flight attendants, but "they were working on it." I called that hotel back - no vacancies. I called many more hotels (hotels away from the city center) - no vacancies. I called car rental places (no one way cars available). I felt like crying. Finally, around 3, they announced that our flight was cancelled. People got in the long customer service line. I gave up.

I booked a flight on American ($300) for the next day, but I could tell it was overbooked and I wasn't yet ticketed. In a ridiculous move, I called my brother and sister-in-law (they have friends in Atlanta). My sister-in-law kindly didn't yell at me, but instead, listened to my story, and told me she would get their friends info to me in the morning (so I would have someplace to sleep while waiting for the American flight). A group of people booked a Limo back to STL, but I decided not to join them because I had booked the American flight (a second decision I would come to regret). At around 4, a girl came up to the group of us from the STL flight. She told us that a group from the Bloomington flight wanted to charter a bus, but the cost was too high since there weren't enough of them. Did we want to band together and charter a bus that would stop in STL then continue on to Bloomington. I decided that was worth a try - at least I could sleep on a bus. I called American, and discovered that I could cancel my booked flight since I wasn't ticketed. I cancelled and waited.

The customer service was terrible. AirTran didn't offer full hotel vouchers (even if hotels had been available), only a 50% off discount. They didn't give us food, and after midnight there was no cold/cool water in the airport until around 6:00 am. There was no coffee. The only good thing I can say about them was they never rolled their eyes at passengers. The worst thing I can say, is the story of a woman with a baby (and I mean BABY - less than 6 months old). At around 3 am she ran out of diapers. When the customer service rep was told this, her response was "well, I guess you should have planned better, shouldn't you?" Yes, I guess we all should have - and not taken AirTran.

At around 6, the two people organizing the bus riders finally started being able to get ahold of bus lines. Various cost estimates and leaving times started coming in. At around 7, we heard a bus that could pick us up in "about 35 minutes" for $150ish a person (ended up being $175). The bus arrived at the airport at about 8:00 and seeing that big purple bus was one of the greatest feelings in the world. Finally, I would be about to sleep. Because we had lost some people, the cost had gone up.

The bus ride was miserable. The bus had driven to Birmingham the night before with a group of passengers who were smart enough to get out of Atlanta to take Southwest flights home on Monday. It hadn't been serviced or cleaned before we got on. There was no toilet paper (oh and did I mention that I got my period at around 1 am the night before). At first the bus was cool, but I could feel the heater at my legs. By the time we made our first stop, I was getting warm, was thirsty, and hungry. We stopped in Northern Georgia so the bus could refuel. The bus was gone for ages. In my paranoid state, I began to worry that the driver had taken our cash and left us there. I wasn't doing well.

Once we reboarded the bus, it was astoundingly hot, and never got better. The heat poured from the heater at my legs, but the driver swore the heat wasn't on and the AC was (very little air was coming out of the vents). I slept fitfully. I attempted to read, but the lines blurred before my eyes and the motion made me nauseous. I listened to the same cd on repeat on my ipod (it helped me sleep to listen to it like that). They opened the windows at the top of the bus to help with the heat. It didn't.

Finally, at around 6 pm, we crossed the river into St. Louis. It was wonderful to see the Arch. The bus dropped us at the airport and my parents picked me up and drove me home. I ate some dinner, watched a bit of tv, and went to bed.

I learned this morning, that if I had waited for AirTran I would have been booked on a flight that departed this morning (Tuesday) at around 9:10 AM. At the time, I left on the bus, AirTran was saying the earliest flights available were at 5 pm tonight. I called today and got my whooping refund of $86 (the roundtrip flight cost me $310 - so about 1/4 of the cost of my trip). I'll take it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I know I'm not going to get very much more. It means that the bus only cost me $100 to get home.

I hate AirTran.

Jealousy

2008-07-10T09:22:00.003-05:00

I left the restaurant glowing with a big silly grin on my face. It had been a four hour dinner with great wine, great food, and great conversation. He was perfect. We had so much in common. He is finishing up his phd and about to start law school in the fall. He's walked through African countries; he rock climbs; he SCUBA dives. He laughed at my jokes and made me laugh in return.

Too bad he's dating one of my best friends, and the dinner was my introduction to him.

I want one.

If You Plan It, They Will Come

2008-07-10T09:17:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm officially not going to Italy by myself. First, my friend K agreed to come. It was a tough decision for her cause the month before my trip is the crazy time at her work. But, she loves Italy - spent a year there in college, and she couldn't pass up the opportunity (I told her I would subsidize her trip). After she booked her flight, my friends J & C (a married couple) started saying they might be interested. They booked their flights yesterday. So, instead of wondering around Italy alone, I'm going to be accompanied by three of my best friends (one of whom speaks Italian fluently) YAY!

28

2008-07-05T00:31:00.002-05:00

The number is surprisingly serious. It makes me feel old. I thought I would be in a different place in my life. I thought I'd own a home, not have credit card debt, or at the very least, know where I'm headed in life. The number makes me feel a bit groundless, a bit lost. I'm not sad - just unsteady.

What would you do?

2008-06-24T22:38:00.003-05:00

This post is alternatively titled - Am I a bad person...

I spent last weekend up in Chicago for a friend's batchelorette party. A good time was had by all, even if I can't really comprehend what makes a drag show batchelorette party worthy (note to any friends out there - if I ever manage to find a guy who wants to marry me - no drag show, karaoke maybe, drag no). I spent the weekend with my friend L and her fiance. I also got to see my future home for the first time.

Anyway, on Saturday, before the party, L & I didn't have much to do. So, we decided to go shopping (not that I don't regularly hit up Ann Taylor and Banana Republic at home, but there is something "special" about shopping on the Mag Mile). As we were walking toward the bus route, I saw something that surprised me. I didn't know how to react.

I saw a guy open-hand slap a girl about a half-block up.

I almost didn't believe it was real. It seemed like something out of a movie or like they were acting or something. That doesn't just happen on the street. My pace slowed. I wondered what to do.

Then, I saw the girl launch herself at the guy. She clearly wasn't trying to get away. She was trying to pull him back, while yelling at him, and hitting him in the arm. At this point, L finally noticed. We slowed and stopped. I told her I didn't feel comfortable walking forward and asked if we could go a different way. We turned.

Suddenly, I heard the girl screaming behind us. We turned toward her, and the guy was now lying on the ground. Other bystanders when running toward them. Laura and I started toward them, but then noticed a cop car parked behind an ambulance on the next street (we sought help from the cop car/ambulance, but no one was there). By the time we got back to the scene - someone had called 911. We hung around the area till the ambulance showed up, but then we headed out. I didn't try to speak to the cops or anything.

A couple things remain in my mind. What should I have done after I saw the guy slap the girl (if the rest hadn't happened)? It wasn't as if she was trying to get away, and we were just a couple more girls. I don't think getting involved would have been a good idea. Should I have called 911 then? Would they even respond to a call like that ("hey, Chicago emergency department...yeah, I just saw a guy slap a girl on the street in the West Loop...you might want to check that out")?

The Evil Lawyer

2008-06-18T10:03:00.003-05:00

Have you ever noticed how, if a book has a lawyer character, that character almost always sucks. I mean, the character is almost always inflexible and boring and stuffy and rude (even if the character ends up being a good guy - aka Mr. Darcy in Bridget Jones). The lawyer is never witty and fun, never adventurous and quirky, rarely happy. Does this forecast a sad, boring, stuck up future for me?

things are coming together

2008-06-09T11:34:00.002-05:00

I don't admit it often, but I'm superstitious. I believe in Fate. I tend to believe that things happen for a reason and that if a seemingly difficult and murky path suddenly becomes clear and obvious - I'm on the right track. I think this belief has influenced some of my romantic decisions, and I know its influenced some of my life choices (um - my law school=the best one I got into AND the one that gave me the most money, this job, my next job, my current living situation, my last living situation, leaving college early, etc.)

Anyway, over the weekend something fortuitous happened. One of my two friends in Chicago is officially moving to New York for 9 months, starting in September. Now on first glance, this seems like bad news or scary news, but its not. My friend and her fiance own a two bedroom condo in Lincoln Park in Chicago. My friend is not quiting her job for the move to New York, but is instead, going to continue working for the Chicago office of a law firm while "on loan" to the New York office. This means that she will have to come back to Chicago often. It also means that they can't rent out their condo to strangers while they are gone. So, it means that a lovely two bedroom condo would be mostly sitting (fully furnished and) vacant from late August to May. A lovely two bedroom condo that is three blocks from the Brown line (the line that goes most directly to the stop closest to work for me). I think I've solved my living situation problem.

It seems like fate, and it makes me feel better about my future in Chicago. We haven't worked out the details - in fact things are still very much in the "this might work" phase. I'll probably have a great place to live, in a great location, and not have to buy furniture for 9 months till I figure out what I want to do. I'll probably have a great deal on rent (since my friend will be back often and need share the condo with me). I'll be able to pay off debt and save money for a down payment.

I love it when things fall into place.

homeless or having multiple homes - depends on your point of view

2008-06-02T09:58:00.003-05:00

As of Saturday, I am officially moved out of the fabulous apartment. It was a long week of boxing things up, going up and down (three flights of) stairs, scrubbing the bathroom, and vacuuming. I'll admit that I wasn't all that sad to move out - loved the apartment, didn't love the living situation. I no longer have granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, or a washer/dryer in my unit. To be honest, I don't really have a unit.

All of my furniture, plus most of my "household" items are currently sitting in a big pile in my parents basement. All of my clothes, my new laptop, a bunch of toiletries, and a blender are hanging out at my friend J's apartment. Luckily, J is renting a 2 bed and has it fully furnished (she has two bedroom sets). So, I'm living in her spare room until I move to Chicago (gotta love the possibility of living in 4 different locations in the next year). All of my worldly goods will stay with the 'rents until I've settled in to a place in Chicago - when I will have to move them up there - ug!

I've been exploring the new neighborhood. The bad news is, I'm no longer a block and a half away from the Park and a block and a half away from my favorite coffee shop. Also, I don't have Internet access at home, which is totally killing me. But, the good news is - I'm less than 1/2 a mile from metrolink. So, now I've got a metropass paid for by work (FREE!) and I'm no longer spending money on parking and gas. Oh, and a different location of my favorite coffee shop is about 1/2 a mile away as well. And I signed up for Netflix so I'll finally be able to watch the last season of Gilmore Girls (stupid ABC Family not showing it in reruns).

Fall down, go BOOM

2008-05-21T09:18:00.002-05:00

I'm officially done with those flip flops and the stairs. Slipping and falling down half a flight of stairs twice is totally unacceptable. This time the welt is on my ass - I was black and blue within an hour this time. Even sitting in my chair at work hurts (though in a bruised butt sort of way, not in a broken tailbone sort of way - the bruise is clearly only on my right "cheek"). Its funny cause of the swelling, I feel off balance.

I feel like I stuck my face in a cat

2008-05-18T16:43:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know that phrase doesn't make much sense unless you know about my allergies. Ug...cats and the eye itches.

Anyway, on Friday, I came down with "Kristin's plague" - well, that's what we're calling it around here. She had it first and gave it to the rest of us, so it gets her name. My throat itched; my head hurt; I coughed; I sneezed. It sucked. Yesterday evening I started feeling better. The headache went away.

Today I woke up feeling almost good. My headache was completely gone, and the amount of gunk in my throat seemed remarkably diminished. Plus the weather outside was perfect. So, I decided to go for a long bike ride out on the Katy trail. I was hoping to ride for between 3-5 hours. Let's just say, that didn't happen. I made it about 2 hours instead. By 40 minutes into the ride, I wanted to start scratching my eye balls out. Even though we've had an abnormally large amount of rain, the trail was dusty and buggy and full of pollen. My eyes ached by the time I had gone for an hour. I stopped, rinsed my heads, and then tried to rinse my eyes. It helped a little.

Then I decided today was a day to cut it short (well, shorter) and head back at that point. By the time I got to the car, I was dying for relief. Luckily I had napkins in the car. I doused them with water from my water bottle and did my best to clean out my eyes.

When I got home, I immediately took out my contacts - BLISS!

jogging

2008-05-15T23:11:00.003-05:00

"You're probably jogging right now, but..." Why did this question bother me so much? My friend certainly didn't mean to insult me when he left me this message yesterday. He was just trying to tell me where to meet him after I got done with my run. I'm sure he wasn't consciously thinking that I am a jogger rather than a runner, but ouch.

I'm not a jogger. I don't really know anyone who goes out for a "jog." I think that perhaps people who only run during other sporting activities think of slow running as jogging. I don't really know any runners that do. Jogging isn't really trying. Its bouncing, lumbering. Its certainly not steady. Its not getting your heart rate to 190 bpms. Its not racing. Its not what you do at a 5k, a half marathon, a marathon, or even a training run. Its not even what you do on a short recovery run. Jogging is not what you do to recover from an injury.

Yeah, I'm slow. My half marathon was slower than the fast people's full marathon. Running a mile in 12 minutes is an achievement for me. Hills hurt, and they make me slower. Three miles has been a long run lately.

Still, don't refer to my runs as jogs. I don't jog. I run.

Running Under the Arch

2008-05-14T22:46:00.002-05:00

Today for the first time, I ran under the arch. I've never run downtown (well, outside a race) before. It was pretty amazing. I ran from work to the arch and then around the arch grounds and then back to work. The garmin was great - I knew I had gotten my three miles in, and I know what my pace was. What was particularly interesting was stop lights. Most of my running routes do not involve many stop lights. In the city today, I hit pretty much every light until I got to the Arch grounds.

Running on the ground themselves was pretty amazing. I was surprised at the number of runners I saw (I left work at 4 for my run). It was fun to see all the tourists wondering around the grounds. As I started my last mile, I decided to run down the arch steps to the river and back up.

I was actually pretty sore from my Monday run/training session with a friend. She's certified as a personal trainer, and if she lets you work out with her, you get free training. I hate squats, but man, are they good for me.

So, I was kind of slow, but I'm still recovering. Plus downtown is surprisingly hilly.

Miles: 3
Time: 39:12
Avg: 13:04 min/mile

Work Out

2008-05-13T22:11:00.006-05:00

I have a sad secret little confession to make. I watch Work Out on Bravo. I know, I'm ashamed.

Anyway, last weeks episode has raised quite a controversy. Jackie (the owner of the featured gym) fired one of her trainers after he came to talk to her because she and the office manager had been making fun of the breast implants on one of the trainer's clients (apparently the office manager was the one who made the jokes - but Jackie was laughing). The blogosphere seems outraged that she would be part of making fun of a cancer survivor and that she fired the trainer for refusing to drop the issue. While I agree that's not good, I have to say its pretty terrible any way you cut it. I would be horrified if I knew that the owner and manager of the gym I pay very good money to get trained in were sitting in their office watching my workout and MAKING FUN OF MY BODY!

I don't care whether that woman was a cancer survivor or just had breast implants because she wanted bigger boobs. I don't care whether she had every part of her altered with plastic surgery. If there is one place where a woman should feel comfortable that the people she pays aren't going to making fun of the way she looks, it should be at an exclusive gym. I'm sorry, its disrespectful no matter what.

Also, I don't really care whether Jackie was making the jokes or not, she was laughing at them. And, appologizing to the client's boyfriend and apparently, not repremanding the woman who made the jokes - not cool. Jackie is trying to get obese people on board with her "Sky Lab" project, but what overweight person wants to work out in a gym knowing that the gym manager very well might be making fun of them behind the glass wall - and knowing that the owner is laughing right along? Not me. Women have enough body issues. We don't need to have gym staff laughing at us as we try to tone up.

So, yeah, the boob jokes were unacceptable whether that girl had cancer or not. And, as the owner, Jackie should have told her employee so without being prompted by the boyfriend. I think I am far more offended that she apparently didn't see anything wrong with making fun of the way a client looked as long as she didn't know that client was a cancer survivor.

Still, I'm not boycotting the show, yet (though I would NEVER go to her gym). I used to like it, and I'm hoping that it get better again.

toys and accidents

2008-05-10T12:57:00.004-05:00

I boughts myself a new toy yesterday. Something I've been wanting for a long time. Something that I found onsale for about $100 less than I'd previously seen it on amazon. I bought myself a Garmin Forerunner 305 at REI. At $164.99, I couldn't pass it up. Before buying it, I did my research to figure out whether it was worth it to upgrade to the brand new Forerunner 405. While the 405 looks great, I decided to stick with the 305 for the price. The main upgrades for the 405 (which is about $200 more expensive for the model with a heartrate monitor) are its size and the fact that it connects to your laptop wirelessly. Now, as a girl with a pretty small wrist, the size difference really doesn't matter to me. I'm not going to be wearing either one as my "everyday" watch like some guys might. As far as weight goes, the 305 is less than an ounce heavier.

I love it. I've tracked two workouts so far (a 2.75 mile walk and a 3.39 mile run). I love being able to see exactly what my pace is. I love being able to see my heart rate. I love having an easy tracking system with motion based. I'm particularly proud to see that even with walk breaks my average moving speed (stopped at 2 lights) was 12:09 minute miles. That's awesome for me with the walk breaks. I'm super excited about the purchase and being able to just run and find out later what the distance was - especially with the multiple moves coming up. Its going to be great since I won't know the running route distances like I've known (well, been guessing, but guessing almost exactly right) my current favorite routes. I feel like the garmin gives me a lot more freedom.

On the accidents side - don't worry I wasn't involved - just watched in happen. As I approached a stop light in the park, I slowed down and was going to wait for the light to change. The runner on the other side of the street ran across to the median. The car that was on my side saw this other runner (I assume it was the other runner cause it was pretty clear I was stopping at the light) and stopped her car even though she had the green light. BAM - a bicyclist ran into the back of her car. Now, the biker was pretty pissed (he had some right to be - the car had the green light and stopped), but still, if the biker had been paying attention, he wouldn't have hit her. The car didn't really have many options; it could: (1) keep driving and hit the stupid runner who was crossing against the light, or (2) stop and let the runner go by. Clearly, stopping was the better option. If only the biker had been paying attention. As I ran off (after the light had changed), the driver and the biker were still engaged in an argument about how stupid the driver was. Fun stuff...

Guess now I know why bikers hate runners.

Doing Something

2008-05-08T22:44:00.002-05:00

I've posted about this before, but I want to do something. I've never met Elden or Susan (and I probably never will), but Elden has touched my life in profound ways. I read his blog daily, and it has been a source of much amusement. I've laughed with him and now I'm crying with him. Anyway, this is my little attempt to help.

His friend Kenny set up a place for donations - Here's what Kenny had to say:

Dear Readers of Fatcyclist.com,

This last week has been truly tragic learning of the down turn of Suzan’s illness. As I read these comments left by all you good people, the over all theme is the same. “What can we do for Elden, Susan and their kids?” I decided it was time to stop wondering and time to start doing. I set up a bank account in Elden’s name at a local bank here in Utah. It is linked to pay pal. The pay pal account is winsusannelson@gmail.com . If you don’t have a pay pal account you can also donate by going to my business’s website http://www.kennysphoto.com and clicking on the link in the middle of the page, where you can donate with the credit card of your choice. Please know that all funds collected will go directly to this bank account and after a two month period will be given to Elden, Susan and Family. Elden is unaware of this account, until now, of course. I’m not sure how he will react to this comment, but if he removes it, I’m going to continue to put it back on his blog and I invite you as fatcyclist readers to also put this on your own respective blogs. I truly believe that we bless our own lives, when we help others, so I hope that Elden will allow us to help him through this very trying time in his life. He truly has touched each one of us, through his writing and his friendship.
Respectfully yours,

Kenny

This isn't tax deductible and its not going to research. The money will go towards the Nelson family - taking care of Susan.

I wonder what a palm reader would say about me now

2008-05-07T23:07:00.002-05:00

I've had my palm read twice in my life. Once was on a bus in Vietnam - by a girl who wasn't a professional. I liked what she told me -- I would be rich (not my parents, not my spouse, but me), I would have one great love, and I would have the opportunity to travel for work.

The second one was at a bar in this city. She guessed that I was in a creative field (she was SHOCKED I was a lawyer) and predicted I would be changing career directions in the near future.

Both of them remarked on how smooth my hands were (yeah, I guess I'm not used to manual labor).

I wonder what the would say if they saw my hands now. My hands can no longer be regarded as smooth. As my friend Jenny said - no boy wants to hold my hand. The rock climbing has left me with torn calluses, ripped up fingers, and short jagged nails. I'm proud of my hands now.

Then, there's the fact that I can't turn my right hand over (stupid broken elbow). I wonder what that would tell a palm reader...Maybe when I'm in the 'burg I should go to the scary palm reader place and find out.

2008-05-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

My Heart Hurts

walkin' to the beat

2008-04-30T20:33:00.002-05:00

In the past, when I've been recovering from an injury - I've followed the instructions in my favorite book (Complete Guide to Running for Women) and have done a structured run/walk program. I've gotten back into running shape by running specific amounts of time and walking specific amounts of time. It was always on the treadmill.

This time I'm doing something different. I'm kind of not interested in structure. I certainly don't want to be on a treadmill if I can be outside in the park on a beautiful evening. So, this time, I walk to the light at the end of my street, stretch while waiting for the light to change, and then start my run as I cross the street into the park. I run for the legnth of a song, then walk for the legnth of a song, then run for a song, then walk etc. Its amazing how quickly a run goes by this way. Park of me is tempted to keep doing this even once my leg stops bothering me. My runs never hurt, and I'm still running each mile in about 13-14 minutes.

Maybe its the weather, maybe its the month of no running, and maybe its actually just that I'm in the mood for some non-stress running right now. I know I'm not training for anything - partially cause the heat kills me and partially cause I need to properly heal before I training again. It could be that I'm just running for the joy of running again.

Back on track

2008-04-29T22:56:00.002-05:00

Last week I ran Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I did the whole run/walk thing. I felt great on Monday and Wednesday, but Friday, well - not so much. I still have pain in my right leg tonight. So, more rest is in order, I guess.

As instructed, I iced my legs after every one of the runs. I streched after a walking warmup. I didn't push myself (all three runs less than four miles each). I've taken my aleve about an hour before running - not much else to do.

Still, I think I'll be able to run again tomorrow (if I don't have any pain). Also, I'm actually paying attention to the eating again - the biggest change being eating less often in the building cafeteria and drinking less alcohol. I don't want to gain more - and I really don't want to buy new clothes.

I'll get back in the swing of things. Give me a couple weeks.

when the future's uncertain...travel...

2008-04-25T11:11:00.002-05:00

I've been on a airline ticket purchasing binge the past two days - spent close to $1500 that I don't have for fun trips in the future (and dang it its gonna be worth it). After months of deliberation and slight sadness over the fact that I have no friends who have the money or time to take two weeks off in August to travel around Europe with me, I finally took the plunge.

I'M GOING TO ITALY!!!

I bought round trip tickets to Venice (cheapest tickets I could find - save enough to pay for a train pass). Now I get to spend the next few months planning my trip. Do I want to go to Capri or the Amalfi coast? How much time do I want to spend in Rome or Florence? And most importantly, where should I eat? I'm excited and nervous - its a trip I've always wanted to take. Still, I'd love company. If you have some free time at the end of August/beginning of September (and I know you) and you want to bum around Italy for a couple weeks, let me know. Otherwise, I'm going to have this adventure all by myself, and I'm okay with that too.

The other ticket was slightly less exciting but still very fun.

I'M GOING TO WILLIAMSBURG!!!

Seriously - yay weddings and seeing college friends and eating snow-to-go and seeing historic sites and driving down the colonial parkway and sitting by the beach/James river and going to the cheese shop and everything.

Who needs to worry about work when you have vacations to look forward to.

And my doubts just got bigger

2008-04-22T10:28:00.002-05:00

Last night, I learned that one of my 2 good friends in Chicago is probably moving. Again, I felt my stomach drop, and I suddenly wondered, "what have I done?" I not normally one for regrets, but this doesn't seem like my normal situation to me. Have I made a big mistake?

Earthquake

2008-04-18T09:05:00.001-05:00

So, I woke up at about 4:30 this morning to a vibrating bed. I quickly realized it wasn't just the bed that was vibrating - the whole building was shaking and rattling. It really freaked me out.

the wait is over

2008-04-17T16:44:00.002-05:00

And the winner is...Shin Splints (or tibial periostitis if you are medically inclined).

Mere minutes after writing that last post, my doctor called. The good news is its not a stress fracture and whatever the heck is wrong with my connective tissue is not in danger of "rupture," whatever that means. The bad news is, its actually in both legs...yippy! And apparently, the right leg is just worse. So - the treatment is: warm up with walking before running, stretch, go back to running slowly using a walk/run pattern, ice after every run (whether my legs hurt or not), and take naproxin (as I can't take Celebrex - yeah Sulfa drug allergy). Also, the doc recommended that I bike or swim instead of running for a while - till the inflammation goes down a bit more. We'll see about that one. I mean, its been 3 weeks of no running at this point, and its slowly sucking my will.

still waiting

2008-04-17T11:54:00.002-05:00

so, yeah...Still waiting on the test results. GRRRRR!

The good news is that the bone scan tech said she didn't see anything extraordinary.

Waiting sucks...

self-diagnosis

2008-04-09T14:23:00.003-05:00

I saw the doctor today. Now, I know exactly the same as much as I guessed when I went in. I either have shin splints or a stress fracture. The good news is I don't have any weird anatomical defect that is causing the problem: my hips and ankles are normal;, my knees are normal; my feet are normal (well, the left one is super flat, but since that's not the bad leg, we are ignoring it - plus I already knew that). I also learned that I was correctly treating myself - and that my decision not to run until diagnosed was a good one. I also learned that since I'm allergic to sulfa drugs, celebrex (a NSAID that has some sulphuric something or other) is not for me.

You can't normally see a stress fracture from x-rays so on Friday I get the pleasure of returning to the hospital for a bone scan. Its not exactly the quickest process (inject dye a couple hours before the actual scan). I have to be at the hospital at 10:30, get my injection at 11, get the bone scan at 1. The hospital is about 45 minutes from my work, so I'm guessing no work for me.

So, no running at least till I get the results of the bone scan. I guess its a good thing I got that gym membership.

I'm a spaz

2008-04-08T00:32:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I blogged about my hike. I left out the funniest part.

I locked myself in a bathroom.

That's right, I locked myself in a state park bathroom. I went in, turned the deadbolt, and went about my business. After I washed my hands, I went to unlock the deadbolt. It turned, sort of, but not enough. The door wouldn't open. I became more aware of the bugs and the heat and the fact that there weren't any windows that I could reach. I began to panic. I turned off my ipod, pulled out my bottle of water, put my hair in a ponytail, and reminded myself, that I would be alright. I had a bottle of water (not to mention a sink and flushing toilet); I had entertainment in the form of both a book and my ipod; I had my cell phone. I continued to futz with the lock and the door, and pulled out the cell phone and dialed the only "adult" I knew would know where I was and could help me out - my roommate's mom. She was surprised by my predicament, offered to drive out to see if she could help me (I was about 25 minutes away from her), and then gladly got out her phone book to look up the state park's office to call them to let me out. I continued to twist and bang on the door, hoping it would yield. She had just dialed that parks office, when the deadbolt gave just a little bit more and suddenly I was free. I didn't need the park rangers to come rescue me, I had managed to free myself from a rusty old bathroom deadbolt. Lesson learned: be careful of the locks you lock behind yourself.

Second spaz attack: I fell down the stairs outside my apartment. I was attempting to walk down the stairs in brand new flip flops and talk on the phone at the same time. Clearly, I am not adequately skilled for this endeavor - and suddenly I found myself lying on the ground saying "Fuck!" I'm bruised on my lower back and just above my right elbow (I KNOW). The elbow is the bad one, but at least when I stood up I knew I was fine cause I thought to myself, well that doesn't feel like a break. Lesson learned: new flip flops are slippery.

wet feet and bruised butt

2008-04-06T22:58:00.003-05:00

This weekend was the perfect spring weekend. The sun was shining, the trees were in bloom, and the temperature was in the mid sixties. Perfect. Its the kind of weather that almost makes up for the months of rain we've been having around here. It was the kind of weather that forces you to just go outside and play. And play I did.

Yesterday, for the first time since the accident, I got on my bike. Like me, the bike was not fully recovered, but it doesn't seem that much worse for the wear. After putting the chain back on and fighting with a bike rack, three of us headed out. I wanted to start nice and easy, and around here, easy means the Katy trail. We rode out to Creve Coeur Park, biked across the Missouri (even though the flooding hasn't been on the Missouri yet, parts of the flood plain were definitely getting hit). We then rambled along till we got to downtown St.Charles, where they happened to be having a highland festival or something (well, my friends "rambled," I more accurately, pedaled as hard as I could to keep up - I'm sooo out of biking shape!). Imagine three girls weaving their bikes through throngs of people, some of whom were fully decked out in their ren. faire gear! We ended up stopping and listening to a bit of the "concert" and grabbing a beer. Somehow I managed to get beer in my helmet - don't ask - before we headed back to the car. 20 miles and fighting back my fear.

Since I'm off running at least till Wednesday when I see the doctor,I decided to go hiking today. I drove out to Castlewood state park, south and west of here - on the Meramec. Now, I hadn't been out to the Meramec since the flooding,and its still pretty bad out there. About half the park is closed (including parts of the prettiest trail). It was odd to see the trees submerged up to their midpoints. I parked by one path, and then had to cross a creek (normally a dry creek bed, but not right now). I hate wet shoes, but it was worth it. Going up high into the river bluffs - staring at the valley below me. Catching sight of the boys bouldering on the side of the cliff (which they were NOT supposed to be doing). Stepping off the path so bikers could get by on the singletrack (its a multi-use path). Being amazed at the trail runners pumping up a very steep hill. My running shoes don't look so new, they look like they've had some fun.

One thing can ruin a perfect spot like that - smoking. I just don't get it. Why would you climb a river bluff so you could smoke your foul smelling cigarettes and drink a 40. How is that a good idea. The beer is fine, but the cigarette...ICK!

40 years later

2008-04-04T09:44:00.002-05:00

I'd never read the entirety this before, but I think its worth reading, especially today.

I See the Promised Land

Swimming

2008-04-02T12:29:00.002-05:00

I actually sucked it up and joined a gym so that I could start this swimming nonsense. I'm not much of a swimmer. The last time I spent any serious time in a pool swimming was on swim team in 7th grade (now that I think about it, I looked pretty good by the end of that summer). What I've done in the pool since then can more accurately be described as "floating." Most of my pool time has involved a large inflatable raft with cup holders and lots of spf 15. It has not involved things like goggles and swim caps and lane dividers. It hasn't involved kick boards or paddles.

I'm very unused to exercising without the distraction of my ipod. I think that's the thing that is taking me longest to get used to with swimming. There's nothing but me and my thoughts and the slight ache in my shoulders (doubling up with swimming and rock climbing should give me pretty nice arms for sleeveless shirts come summer). Most of my thoughts involve this line of thinking: "stroke stroke stroke breathe stroke stroke stroke breathe..." Sometimes they involve, "wait what's that dude doing in the bleachers..." or "man, water aerobics is funny to watch..." or "I really hope that guy's speedo doesn't fall off..." So, yeah, very productive thinking time.

On a different note, must learn to do a flip turn without getting water up my nose.

going to the doctor's again

2008-03-30T08:47:00.002-05:00

You may have noticed that I haven't been writing about the running much - even though I declared that I was going to try to run the half marathon again. Part of it has been that with all the traveling (4 trips to Chicago in the past 2 months), I didn't make time for my long runs. Part of it has been that the weather here sucked and I can't run more than 5 miles on a treadmill. But, the biggest part has been my right leg - weird bone pain.

So, when I first started training for the half in January, I was also going to Zumba classes on Monday nights. I think the combination of the two - with the jumping then the running, just did my right calf in. I had pretty intense pain - I actually had trouble walking for days afterward. When the pain got so bad I couldn't walk well for days afterward, I gave my leg a rest. I didn't run for a week. I iced it. I bought new shoes (cause well, doesn't that always solve everything), and I kind of quit training. Now its been two months since that pain set in, and my leg still isn't right. In the past month I haven't had a single run that has been over 4 miles and my mileage for a week is minuscule.

This week I ran a relatively quick mile on Tuesday (woo - 10:20), and a nice slow run on Wednesday (14 minutes at 5 mph). Wednesday night my leg hurt bad, in that same spot. (Its kind of on the back of the tibia right beneath the bulk of my calf muscle). My leg still hurts now. When I press on the spot on my bone the ache worsens. So, now I'm afraid that I somehow let a minor case of shin splints spiral into a stress fracture. Its not normal to still have pain from a one mile run 4 days later.

So I made an appointment with a doctor. In the mean time, no running for me. I think I'm going to take up swimming.

Major life decisions

2008-03-19T19:43:00.002-05:00

Today I made a major life decision. I'm officially committed to a job and moving to Chicago. I know what my salary is going to be and when I am going to start.

It wasn't an easy decision for me. I had doubts. I know that the work and the pay will be good, but I'm not so sure about everything else. I love my mid-sized Midwestern city. I love my friends. I love that I know where everything is, and I love that I know what to expect. I'm a bit afraid of change - I've never been good at change. I'm scared of starting over in a new place. I'm scared of having to learn where the post office is, how to drive in city traffic, and how to navigate a bus system. I'm scared of being lonely and alone. I'm scared of leaving my comfort zone. I'm scared that I'll fail.

For the past couple weeks, since I learned that I hadn't gotten a different job, I've walked around with a knot in my stomach. I've been unsure whether my stomach hurt because my instinct was saying don't go there or because I was afraid of making the wrong decision. Every time I thought about my choices, my mind whirled and my stomach clenched.

I'm not sure I made the right decision. I'm not sure I'll be happy. I'm not sure if I should have waited and explored other options. I'm not sure if things were meant to be.

For the first time as an adult, I've accepted a job that doesn't make me want to jump up and down with joy - I have no desire to go out and celebrate. I feel unsure about whether "congratulations" are in order. Instead, I wait in nervous anticipation of what the future holds.

I don't like change, but several months ago, I committed to myself that I was going to attempt to make this change. I've made my choice - now I have to wait for the results.

I am my mother's daughter

2008-02-27T11:25:00.003-06:00

As a child and teenager, I used to roll my eyes and be mortified by the fact that my mom would talk to strangers. She would randomly sit down next to someone and suddenly they would know my entire life story. Sometimes she would speak to people without prompting and they clearly wouldn't want to talk to her. But more often, people would approach her and chat away for hours at end. I was always embarrassed.

Recently, I've decided that I've got more of my mom in me than I previously thought. I am approached by random and talk to random people. I'm sure many of you remember my experiences with meeting people on a train, in a grocery store parking lot, and in the sauna at a gym. My recent random meetings have now expanded to include at a free hotel happy hour and at an outdoor ice skating rink. Here's the stories:

A week or so ago, I was up in Chicago for some interviews (still waiting on the results, I'm freaking out a bit) and was staying at a pretty nice boutique hotel in the River North area of the city. My hotel had a free cocktail party from 5:30 to 7:00. After a long day of interviewing (caught a flight at 6 am, finished interviewing at 4:30), a drink sounded pretty good. I had dinner plans to meet up with some friends around 7, so I figured, what the hell, I'll just go to this happy hour and enjoy a nice glass of wine by myself. When I got up there, I noticed a group of gentlemen (two older guys and a guy about my age) sitting at a couple tables and chatting. I sat down next to them and shortly was drawn into the conversation. The guy my age was moving to Chicago and was up there looking at apartments. I gave him some advice about neighborhoods and we all chatted amicably for the next hour or so.

Shortly after 7, one of my friends called to say she was on her way to pick me up. I knew the boy had no plans for the evening so I invited him along. After thinking about it for a minute, he said sure. Before my friend got there we talked some more in the lobby and he got my number. I think the dinner conversation probably scared him off (it was overly girly and gossipy), but it certainly made for a fun evening. I doubt I'll hear from him, but that totally made my interview trip more exciting.

Then last night, I decided to go ice skating at Steinberg rink (its a large outdoor rink in Forest Park). The ice was almost perfect and there was practically nobody out there (cold and windy night). The older guy who was out there chatted with me for a little bit, but then we drifted off to other things. After a while I noticed that I was being pretty much tailed by someone else. I had my ipod on, and he asked me a question, so I had to pull the ear buds out from under the earmuffs to hear him. I then proceeded to spend the next hour skating with him and ended up driving him home (he doesn't have a car and took public transport to the rink and it was cold and windy out).

I think he was trying to ask me out to dinner when he commented on the fact that he always ends up eating out even though he has leftover at home (and I of course was oblivious and commented how I ate out way too much last weekend and needed to eat at home). Then he asked me if I would be skating on Saturday afternoon again. I wouldn't commit. Part of me wondered if he was just being polite or if he liked me. And, if he liked me, why ask the vague, "will you be there again?" question - why not just ask for my number? Anyway, we'll see if I see that one again.

So, yeah, I talk to strangers - hell, I invite them to dinner and drive them home.

sometimes things don't go quite as planned

2008-02-14T21:54:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I've had some stuff going on in my life that I can't really write about. Until yesterday I hadn't run in over a week, and I think the half marathon may be off my plate this spring (though we shall see).

The good news is that I'm doing really well; I've had some great interviews, and I feel very optimistic about a future in Chicago.

The bad is pretty terrible. Horrible things happened. I had friends who were personally affected and my workplace was somewhat involved. I feel some guilt, some anger, and some fear. I was in complete shock. On to of that I had a minor medical crisis. Nothing serious and I'm completely fine (though had to undergo a somewhat painful procedure that I will not recount here).

Last week sucked.

This week is better. Hopefully next week will be even better.

Weight: 167.6
Miles: 4 yesterday, elliptical today

doubling up

2008-01-31T09:57:00.000-06:00

Last night, I ached when I went to bed. My legs felt like jelly. My arms could hardly be lifted over my head, even my face hurt (I think I have a slight sinus infection). Yesterday, I ran my four mile pace workout. It felt great. I'm very happy with my speed - running 1/2 a mile at a pace that I could barely maintain for a quarter mile a couple weeks ago was pretty cool. After my run, I cooled down, took a body shower, ran to the downtown grocery store, grabbed a quick high calorie dinner (mmm quesadillas), and drove over to the rock climbing gym. I knew it wasn't going to be a good day for climbing cause just taking the steps up four flights to get my car in the garage was hard. I always thought I climbed too much with my arms, but last night, with completely blown legs, I proved that I actually use my legs quite a bit. I sucked last night (couldn't make it to the top on any wall - I'd start shaking about half way up), but it was way fun.

After that, I drove home and started packing. This weekend could be pretty major for me in the work area of my life so wish me luck. By the time I climbed in bed last night, I was utterly exhausted physically, but I still couldn't sleep. I had hoped that the physical exhaustion would help, but instead I lay there slightly uncomfortable from muscle soreness and got thought about my excitement and nervousness...its gonna be a long weekend.

Weight: 166.2
Miles: 4 (43:40 - slow 1 mile warmup, 400 meters fast, 200 slow (repeat), 1/2 mile fast, 400 meters slow, 400 meters fast, 200 slow (repeat), 3/4 mile slow cooldown)

cookie dough

2008-01-23T22:20:00.000-06:00

As some of you may know, I have a bit of a binge eating problem. I generally live in denial that its really a problem, and most of the time, I manage to suppress the general urge to binge. Still, certain foods are trigger foods, and no matter how bad I know they are for me, I can't resist eating myself sick. For me, cookie dough is one of those foods.

Most of the time, I can pass the prepackaged rolls at the grocery store and not even think about the craving. Most of the time, I don't long for the taste and the full feeling that comes from cookie dough before I get sick. I don't generally buy it (unless I'm really depressed and well, ok, sometimes when I'm super stressed). But, when its in the house, sitting there, open, with no purpose other than snacking - ohhh...how evil and tempting.

My roommate bought a tub of cookie dough for her birthday party. She intended it to be a drunk food - possibly to bake cookies with, mostly to be eaten with a spoon. She opened the container earlier that day (and how proud of myself I was that I didn't open the GIANT TUB of cookie dough that had been sitting in my fridge for three days and dig in before then), and that was a good portion of my lunch that day. I ate it again the next day, and the one after that, and the one after that, and again today. I've gorged myself on giant spoonfuls. I think a good part of my continued hangover on Monday was due to dough consumption rather than alcohol consumption. As long as it sits in my fridge, I am tempted and generally give in to that temptation. The sad thing is, I don't even like chocolate chip cookie dough - I love sugar cookie dough, but the chocolate chips make it ... blah:-P yet still, I eat and eat and make myself sick.

Sometimes, especially times like this, I worry that I should seek treatment for my binge food eating. Why do I do this to myself (note that I would NEVER buy a GIANT TUB of cookie dough on my own - although I have been known to buy a roll of cookie dough and eat myself sick on those too)? Grrr...

Run: 5 miles - 1 hour, 1 minute
Weight: 169.2

I'm officially old

2008-01-22T09:14:00.000-06:00

Sunday was my roommate's birthday, and we had a big party on Saturday night. I don't drink much these days - maybe have a beer three times a month, so my binge drinking on Saturday night was a bit much for my body.

I had anticipated the fact that I was going to feel like crap on Sunday. I figured I wouldn't get my long run in on Sunday, but it didn't matter cause I didn't have to work on Monday. Surely I could easily run my 5 miles on Monday. Not so much.

Monday, I actually felt worse than Sunday. My stomach was still rebelling (I never threw up, but just curled up in a ball and wanted whatever was eating my stomach from the inside out to finally die). I ate nothing for most of Monday and didn't get dressed or leave the apartment. So, I didn't get my 5 miles in that day either.

Now, I'm torn. I think I'm just going to continue with the schedule and pretend that I didn't skip the five...or maybe run five tomorrow instead of the three that's on my schedule...stupid hangover...

addiction

2008-01-18T10:02:00.000-06:00

So, I've known for quite some time that I'm addicted to caffeine. I can't go a day without a jolt or I get terrible headaches. But, I always thought that I was just addicted to caffeine. I never would have guessed that it was also soda - not just the drug, but the product.

The first couple days of my no soda ban were easy. Switching to coffee instead of soda was fine in the mornings. I sort of like the ritual of brewing coffee - the warm comforting rich bitter smell waking me up and easing me into my day. I like filling up my mug and hopping in the car to go to work. It feels very grown up.

Still, a few days ago, I began to have a slight understanding of what an alcoholic feel like (I'm not comparing, but beginning to understand just how hard it actually is). For the past week or so, around 2 pm, I've started craving a Diet Pepsi. I want it so bad. I used to get one every afternoon at that time, and I know I have the fifty cents in my desk drawer and that the soda is mere steps away. I think to myself, "Its just one soda. One soda won't hurt you. It will help you get through this long afternoon." But, I have somehow managed to resist.

The problem is, I know its never just one soda. If I let myself get one, I'll want one again tomorrow. I know that having one an afternoon will lead me to start buying 12 packs again (and going through about 3 twelve packs a week). Maybe I don't need to give up soda forever (though I suspect that I do), but still, for right now, I know I have to resist.

No run last night, instead I managed to deal with some car issues, buy new running shoes, and work late - gonna run 3 tonight.
Weight: 167.4

ode to the basement bomb shelter

2008-01-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

Recently I read an article about how gyms are what are making people fat. I don't really buy the substance of the article, but it got me thinking. A lot of the gist was that the modern bells and whistles of a gym do more harm than good. People think they are supposed to be entertained at the gym. Overweight people are intimidated by the skinny people, giant mirrors, and complicated machines. They think that doing a few reps on a weight machine will do the trick. I have found that for me, the gym environment really does make a big difference about whether or not I go.

My current gym is a perfect example of this. Its on the first floor of a federal courthouse in a drab windowless room. It was built in the space where the day care would have been, except, I work in the first federal courthouse built after Oklahoma city, and well, they decided that a day care was a bad idea. There are two tv sets that are constantly set to CNN. There are no mirrors. There are four fans in the place, and the magazines are whatever other people have brought in and left behind the desk thing by the door. There is no pilates room, or separate weight area
(the Marshals have their own training room - not to be shared with the common folks), or juice bar, or laundry service.

Its pretty basic stuff: six treadmills (only four that can take running, two are for walking only), two regular bikes, one recumbent bike, two spin bikes, six ellipticals, two rowing machines, a pair of stair climber, weight machines, and free weights. That's it. There are no personal trainers or membership fees. No time limits on the cardio equipment.

I love my gym. Its simple and easy. Its never crowded after work (although lunch time can be busy). I never feel like I'm being judged for my workout. On days like today, its perfectly ok for me to run two miles and then hop on a bike for 20 minutes.

I think I do best with simple places with people who leave you alone. Last year, I joined a 24 hour fitness. The manager guy who always remembered me and said hi, creeped me out. I dreaded going to that placed lined with windows to the outdoors, mirrors, hundreds of televisions, and blasting music. Just walking into the brightly lit interior made me feel inferior. I don't know why. It was a beautiful gym, but I never belonged there. My membership lasted all of six months. Even though I had that beautiful gym that was available 24 hours a day, I instead mostly headed down to the basement bomb shelter that was the free gym at work. I felt safe and secure there. It feel good to be spending a significant amount of time down there again - it makes my mom sad though, cause no way am I meeting any guys at the gym...

Miles: 2
Weight: 170.2 (don't know why its up right now, I'm still doing WW and I've been good - gonna keep trying - I know weight can fluctuate and its not the end of the world)

The park again

2008-01-06T19:10:00.000-06:00

Today I ran with a friend. It was my first scheduled "training run" for the half marathon. I forgot how hard hills are, especially the hill at the end of my street. I'm sore and tired and it feels fantastic.

The required run was actually 3, but we ended up doing something more like 3.6 or 3.8 cause well, I needed a pee in the middle. When your bladder calls during a run, not much to do other than be in pain or find a bathroom. I chose bathroom.

Today was also weird because of the weather. The temps here were in the upper 70s today - it was downright strange. It was super humid too. Everything was sticky and the sweat didn't have anywhere to go. The bathroom at the visitor's center was so humid that the metal part of the toilet was wet with condensation.

Miles: 3.4+ (google maps guestimate - tomorrow I'm calibrating a Nike+Ipod sensor - yay!)
Weight: 168.6

Come on baby light my fire

2008-01-05T10:28:00.000-06:00

I've never run any significant distance at this weight before. Last year when I was training for the half marathon I maintained a weight that was generally just shy of 160 pounds. I wasn't pleased to be running at that weight at the time, but accepted that was where I was at. It didn't really make thing too difficult - all my running tights still fit, my shirts, etc. This year, I'm 10 pounds heavier and now I've got some added complications-

Friction. Last night when I started running on the treadmill in some loose fitting workout pants (not tights)...I noticed the sound of my thighs rubbing together. Honestly, I was actually a bit concerned - there seemed to be enough friction going on for me to light a fire. Although I can say that it didn't end up altering the run, it wasn't entirely the most comfortable thing. I'm thinking it might be a good thing if I can lose some weight before the long runs kick in.

Weight: 169.6
Miles: (last night) 2.6

on again

2008-01-02T11:19:00.000-06:00

I dislike New Year's Resolutions, in part, because of their reputation. New Year's Resolutions mean trying to change for a couple weeks and then forgetting about it when life intervenes. That's why, while I'm making some changes, I refuse to refer to them as resolutions.

First, I've given up soda. As of my return from Chicago for Christmas, I haven't had a single drop of soda. I'm still addicted to carbonation so I'm back to carbonated water (go through about a twelve pack of cans in 4 days). This is because I've noticed a pattern: I gain weight or have more difficulty losing weight when I'm drinking soda (diet soda, sugar soda, it doesn't matter). I don't know if that's corralation or causation, but regardless, I'm not drinking soda. I do best on a water/carbonated water/coffee routine (note that I'm not giving up caffeine - coffee and tea are still acceptible).

Second, I'm training for a half-marathon again. I know that by the end of my training last year, I was sick of it and couldn't wait to not have training runs on my schedule anymore. For that reason, I'm not signing up for the race yet. I've got the training runs in my calendar and a training partner all lined up. If the end of March comes around, and I don't want to spend my Sundays hitting the trails in Forest Park, I won't. But, I think I will want to. I enjoyed the actual race immensely, and I love having a committment to myself to be running. It gives me an excuse for being obsessive about my exercise.

Third, I signed up for weight watchers online, and I'm going to lose the weight that I've gained since the broken arm (and hopefully a bit more). I know that as the training ramps up this is going to get more difficult, but I also know that I have to do this. My weight will only keep going up if I don't do something about it and I don't want to be the round thing I was when I graduated college ever again. Hopefully, in the next couple of months (while training is still relatively light), I can lose the 10 pounds that are currently making me feel bad about myself.

Finally, I'm posting my stats here again even though they embarrass me. I've become depressed about my lazy girl on the couch weight gain (or broken elbow weight gain) and I know I can't really hide it from the world anyway since you can see it on my face and in my waist. So:

Weight: 171 (ug, how did it get this bad!?!)
Training: Running 30 minutes (about 2.5 miles) with a 4 minute walking cooldown afterward

In Memoriam - Karen Flaschar

2007-12-20T14:05:00.001-06:00

Throughout my life, music has always given me "the tingles" down my spine. It makes me feel the power of something greater than an individual, and no song has done that more frequently and consistently than this one. Flasch, this will always be your song in my mind. Today, for the last time, your choir, years and years of students, came together to sing it one more time. You've changed so many lives, and you will be missed.

The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord lift his countenance upon you and give you peace. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord be gracious, gracious unto you.

Sometimes standing in someone's shadow isn't a bad thing

2007-12-19T20:54:00.000-06:00

As a teenager, all I wanted to do was escape from my brother's shadow. To this day, whenever I run into someone who I went to high school with that is a few years older than me, I always ask if they knew my brother. And, they always do. My brother was cool; he was smart; he was popular. Teachers loved him (or hated him, but either way they remembered him); he was on the pep squad; he threw keg parties every Friday night; he got in to Princeton; his friends were beautiful; . It was a big shadow.

I somehow managed to be as close to the opposite as him as was possible without being a dumbass. Instead of sports, I was into the arts. Instead of hanging with the cool kids, I got cozy with the Goths. I blended into the crowd. I excelled at the things I was good at and ignored everything else.

Since then, I've moved on quite a bit. Somehow in the intervening years, my brother and I have become more and more similar. Similar patterns through college and law school (although at very different schools for both). Along the way, I've consistently turned to him for advice. He's helped with choosing where to study abroad, taking the LSAT, studying for law school exams, interviewing for summer associate positions, applying for clerkships, and now he's helping me with my post-clerkship job search. Through all of this, his advice has been invaluable. He gave me 1L outlines to teach me to outline and looked over my resume.

Last week he discovered that he had made partner at the law firm he's been working at. Its fantastic news, and we are all very excited. I'm just about to start my legal career and he is settling into his. I've become envious of the life (particularly the family) that he has, and I've come to realize that its pretty great to have someone breaking the trail in front of you, even if that sometimes means standing in their shadow.

Mary Poppins

2007-12-12T13:59:00.000-06:00

On the subject of television, we recently DVRed Mary Poppins, and last night I watched a good portion of it. I had forgotten how lovely this movie really is. As a child, I was an obsessive movie watcher. My three main movies (pretty much every weekend) were The Parent Trap (original Haley Mills version), Swiss Family Robinson, and The Sound of Music. Occasionally, I would throw in Babes in Toyland or Alice in Wonderland (both of those movies totally freaked me out - and to this day I'm not entirely sure why). On even rarer occasions I would watch Mary Poppins (I think this movie got lost for a while and that might explain why it didn't make it into the regular rotation).

There is nothing like the sound of Julie Andrew's voice to bring me back to childhood though. Like her character in Mary Poppins, to me she seemed to be "practically perfect in every way." Just listening to her speak makes me smile (while I'm typing this, I'm thinking how amazing it is that I've never seen the Princess Diaries movies). I think Julie Andrew's voice is what made me want to sing. No one has quite the same lilt or diction. But Julie's voice alone isn't what makes her so special in the movie. Its her facial expressions and timing and the combination with Dick Van Dyke. I had forgotten how magical the whole movie is. I think I'm going to have to buy it for my niece and nephew.

Television

2007-12-12T13:38:00.001-06:00

My addiction to television over the past couple of years has rapidly grown. My first year of law school, my home was a complete telecommunications desert. I didn't have a phone line or cable or internet (thank god for the Panera a block away with free Wi-Fi). I spent the majority of my time at my boyfriend's apartment so this wasn't so terrible. The lack of basic entertainment items didn't really alter my perception of that apartment much as it was a complete roach infested sink hole - so nothing could make it seem much worse.

For my second two years of law school, I sucked it up and paid for high speed internet, but refused to pay for cable. I accepted life with bad rabbit ears and only 4 stations at any given time (I could get either Fox or ABC, but not both). I learned to love the wonders of Antiques Roadshow, This Old House, and the News Hour with Jim Lehrer because PBS was the station that came in the strongest. I hardly ever thought about the fact that I was missing cultural phenomenon like The Hills or Project Runway. I was content with my Netflix subscription and my PBS.

Last year, I moved into a house that already had cable, and I quickly resumed old habits from college - watching reruns of Charmed in the morning as I ate my breakfast, making it home on Wednesday nights for whatever show was currently competing for attention on Bravo. I got to know the Girls Next Door (and I was embarrassed by our relationship). I knew I could watch Law and Order at practically any time of day or night.

Still, this was not enough for me. A couple months ago. My roommate and I got a DVR. This wonderful device has changed my tv watching experience. No longer do I even consider the television schedule when making plans. Most evenings after work, I come home to the comfort of that day's rerun episode of Gilmore Girls. I don't have to wait for commercials.

And now, because my cable bundle was expiring, I just upgraded. My father had taught me well - whenever you get the higher bill, you call the cable company, tell them that you see that your deal has expired and ask what they can offer you now. Normally, my dad doesn't get the help he wants until he gets transferred to the disconnect people who will do whatever they can to keep your patronage. Today, with a half an hour of my time, I managed to secure myself a new deal. For approximately $8 more than I was previously paying, I have a new deal - faster internet and HBO. The price tag for cable keeps going up, but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm just getting myself in deeper and deeper. Its scary where an addiction will lead you...

I've been thinking...

2007-12-06T23:09:00.000-06:00

Lately a number of blog posts have been floating around in my head. Unlike some of the posts that have been written and deleted, there was nothing wrong with the posts floating in my head. They weren't offensive. I didn't feel like I had to censor myself. No, I just never got around to actually writing them down. My mind has had time to think about things, but the thoughts never quite crystallized and my hands didn't fly over the keys.

I was going to write about the book Eat, Pray, Love, but I just read somebody else's blog post on the subject, and I'm not sure I have much to add. I was listening to commentary during On Point on NPR recently, and the book also came up there. I was surprised that the commentators hadn't read it. (I know I just said I wasn't going to add anything, but now I think I have to add my two cents). I enjoyed the book. It made me examine my own belief systems, the value of my life, where I'm headed and where I want to be headed. It made me think. But, I didn't love it.

The first two sections of the book are very strong. While I don't share much of a common experience with Ms. Gilbert, I empathized with her. I was jealous of her travels in Italy and was intrigued by her spiritual voyage in India. I wished I felt I had the ability to take a year off for self discovery. I wished I could spend days and weeks glutinously devouring food and thought and feel good about myself. Still, I did not find her time in Indonesia to be as compelling. She seemed to boring and normal in Indonesia. While she attempted to portray herself as something more than the average tourist or ex pat in Indonesia, I didn't quite believe this portrayal. She calls her Indonesian stay the "balance" portion of her trip, but I had difficulty seeing how it had anything to do with balance. Maybe I just didn't understand it, but that seemed to be the weakest part of the book.

I wonder if part of my disconnect was also a wonder about Ms. Gilbert. How did she become the person her book portrays? What was so broken about her marriage? Why did she leave that marriage to be with a man who did not have the emotional ability to make her happy? Has she actually dealt with her problems, or is she merely masking them in a cloud of self love? While these questions are ultimately irrelevant in my enjoyment of the book, they remain in my thoughts. I read the book on the recommendation of a friend. He had talked to me a bit about my depression and my lapsed faith and felt it could be good for me. While I think that some of the messages of the book did speak to me, I do wonder if perhaps he and others believe that we should regard Ms. Gilbert as a model. Based upon what I know of her, I'm not convinced that she would make a good model for me.

Anyway - that's a random smattering of thought on something I really know nothing about. I'm not a book critic - I just a girl who reads a lot.

traveling

2007-11-20T10:48:00.001-06:00

I'm not a good traveler. This isn't really news; I've never been a good traveler. Flying makes me feel sick. I get nervous that I'm going to miss my plane, but if I get there too early I get bored from waiting too long in the airport. I don't like airport food, but I always eat way too many calories anyway (stupid Swedish fish).

Anyway, last weekend I flew to DC for a baby shower and to visit a law school friend. The flying was actually remarkable good. I had direct flights at good times. I dressed well - wasn't too hot or too cold on the plane. I wasn't seated next to someone who smelled like a bar (ug, my last trip involved this at 8 am and even though I wasn't the one who was hungover, I wanted to throw up).

The interesting moment this time actually came on my way back to my apartment - riding the metrolink. The airport here is an endpoint for our public transit system, so it waits a while on the tracks at the airport. As I'm sitting there reading my book, I notice this guy. He gets on the train, sets down two large bags, and leaves. Doesn't just move a couple seats from his bags, doesn't go to talk to somebody, doesn't go help someone else get their stuff on the train. Just, leaves. No one else seems to notice.

This is when I discover that if someone wanted to have a terrorist attack near me (or apparently those other people as well), they could easily do it. Even though I am well aware of the signs in the train that say, "please notify personnel if you see bags left unattended" especially at the airport where they are saying that every five minutes, I didn't report those bags. I didn't want to cause any trouble. Instead, what I did was calmly get up and move to the other end of the train. I decided that if the guy didn't come back before the train left the station, I would press the help button. Luckily a few minutes later, the guy did come back and sit with his stuff so my freaking out a little bit was for nothing. Still - part of me worries - what if he had intended to blow up the train. Certainly no one would have done anything.

doll

2007-11-19T22:17:00.001-06:00

So, this story isn't really mine to tell, but I felt the need to share.

One of my friends works at a major national law firm. She's a second year associate. A few days ago, a client she worked with was at the firm finalizing a settlement. She wanted to say hi and mentioned it to a junior partner. Right at that time, the client (a 35ish year old man) came out of the office, saw my friend, and said, "hey doll." So didn't really know how to respond to that, but justsort of smiled and said hi.

Later, in passing, she mentioned it to the junior partner in a non-complaining type way, but still making it clear that she didn't know what was up with that. He had noticed the "doll" comment, but told her he thought she had "that kind of a relationship with the client." He thought she had encouraged that kind of familiarity.

What's up with that. I mean, from an older client that might not be quite so weird, but from a young guy? How could he think it was okay to call his lawyer "doll?"

Its a bad year for boots

2007-11-08T10:28:00.000-06:00

I had a sad experience at nordstroms last night. As some of you may know, the half yearly sale started yesterday. I love the half yearly sale - its a great way to get good shoes and clothes at reduced prices, all with nordstroms service. Plus, nordstroms has a fantastic collection of shoes. But, this year it left something to be desired.

I went to the store last night with a specific goal in mind. I'm over pointy toed boots. I have big feet and pointed toed things just make big feet look bigger. Specifically, what I wanted was a nice pair of rounded toe (or square toe if cute) black ankle/mid calf boots with a moderate and attractive heel. Something that looks good under pants, and isn't too uncomfortable. I found nothing.

The pickings were slim on the not knee high boots, and man, they were all either pointy toed or really ugly. After finding absolutely nothing in the sale section, I ventured into the rest of the shoe department, but my luck was little better. I did find one acceptable pair, but I'm tough on shoes. I tend to get the heel caught in sidewalk cracks so I'm much better off with a stacked heel than with a leather covered heel. The one pair I found that I didn't love, but might well buy, have a leather covered heel. Why is shoe shopping so difficult.

(oh and I am totally against flat boots - they make me look short and fat and I'm not ok with that).

3 for Friday

2007-11-04T21:47:00.001-06:00

Friday night was eventful...and I have three unrelated things to report so here we go:
L fucking L

On Friday night we were supposed to go to this new wine bar. When we got to the wine bar, we discovered that there was a two hour wait to be seated. There was no way that anyone I was with would be willing to wait for two hours for food and wine (at 7:30 at night) so we left. We agreed to go to another bar that was "just down the street": Llywellyn's - but I didn't know how to spell it at the time. Now, none of us knew how to get there, but we had a general idea. After driving for a little bit and being completely unable to find it, I decided to call 411. The conversation went something like this:

411 woman: What city and state please?
Me: Webster Groves, Missouri
411: What city and state?
Me: WEBSTER GROVES, MISSOURI
411: I'm sorry, what city and state?
Me: WEBSTER GROVES, MISSOURI!!
411: Alright, thanks, how can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I'd like the address for a restaurant called Llywellyn's. Its L L something...
411: What kind of a restaurant is it?
Me: Um, a bar restaurant?
Car load of Girls: ITS A BAR!!
Me: Um, its a Welsh pub.
411: How do you spell that?
Me: UM... L L...um
Car load of girls: L fucking L!!
Me: L L E...um, I don't know
Car load of girls: L fucking L! How many restaurants start with L fucking L?
411: Can you tell me what street it is on?
Me: No,if I knew what street it is on, I wouldn't be calling you.
411: um...Right
Me: I'm sorry, you're not really helping me. I'm gonna hang up now.

Random Meeting

I haven't seen my ex, the last guy I was in love with, for over two years. I haven't spoken to him or called him or emailed him. The closest I've come to having contact with him was having one of my co-clerks tell me she had judged a law school competition with him and thought he was cute and that I should date him (she had NO idea that we had a history) and my other co-clerk dealing with him on an appointed case and her finding out that he was engaged. I almost never think of him.

On friday, I walked into the bar and suddenly there he was, coming over to say "hi." It was awkward and weird. I'm glad he came over cause ignoring each other would have been terrible, but it just made me feel off all night long. So strange too. When I asked him what was new with him, he didn't tell me he was married, even though he was clearly there with his new wife. The one thing this drove home to me was that it is really time to remove his name from my cell phone. I hadn't even realized he was still the phone book until I was scrolling through later that night...Its time to let go of that one.

A diagnosis
Finally, I have some explanation for what is going on with my arm, and it came from an odd source. This weekend one of my roommates best friends visited us from Chicago. I hadn't previously realized it, but it turns out she is an occupational therapist with a specialization in hands, wrists, and elbows. When she heard my problem as we sat in that bar on Friday night, she couldn't help but ask, "do you mind if i take a look at it?" I couldn't have minded less and was excited to hear what she had to say.

Finally, someone explained in terms that I could understand what is holding me back. It seems that my doctor telling me that "you're really tight" actually has a logical meaning. The thing that connects my bones together in my arm is super tight, tighter than it is supposed to be, and that's a big part of what is keeping me from getting my supination back. Apparently, the bones need some room to move in order to be able to turn properly. Talking to Rose made me feel so much better about the future of my elbow.

dining out

2007-10-31T21:19:00.000-05:00

In an effort to move on from my recent funk, I'm going to write about the other thing that is mildly interesting in my life. I dine out a lot - at least 3 days a week. I've been to the vast majority of "fine" dining restaurants in St. Louis (well, except Tony's, but honestly, I hear its not worth the hype).

Anyway, on Monday night I tried a place that's relatively new for the first time - Sage. I think my expectations were overly high because one of my top five ever restaurant experiences was at a different restaurant named after an herb
(Thyme in Chicago). Sage a nice little restaurant, located across the street from the AB brewery in Soulard. The atmosphere is relatively nice, although its a little too bright for in there for me and I can't really agree with the decision to have a TV in the dining room of a restaurant that charges $20 an entree. Its not like they don't have a separate bar area. The nicest element of the decor/atmosphere, in my opinion, is the stonework. It makes it very earthy (something that the metal chairs detract from - why not go with wood when you are doing an earth tone restaurant).

Moving on to the food - I order the spinach salad. The greens were fresh and it wasn't overdressed. The bite of the sundried tomatoes were a great contrast to the dressing and the salty-sweet pretzel croutons made a nice "local" touch (they were made with pretzels from a local pretzel maker). All around a good way to start the meal.

The entree was a disappointment. When I order seafood at a restaurant, I have high expectations - fish should not have bones and shellfish should not have shell. Getting a half peeled shrimp grossed me out. I have no objection to peel and eat shrimp, or fried shrimp with the tail on, but when its clear that the shrimp were meant to be peeled (umm...all the rest of them were), I do not want to have to either pass on the shrimp or get my fingers all saucy to take the tail and legs off my dinner. Plus then you have tail and legs still sitting on your plate. I felt bad about mentioning it to the waitress (did not expect to get anything free, but if I worked in a kitchen at a new restaurant its the kind of thing I would want to know). She appologized and gave us free desserts, but it left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I'd go back to the restaurant, but probably will not order that otherwise tasteless pasta again. The pasta really was pretty uninteresting - I was expecting more seafood and its texture was a huge letdown. It was just very mushy and bland - fine for oatmeal,not so great for pasta.

The desserts were more interesting. They come in little shot glasses, and you can take them right off the waitress's tray. We order the key lime pie, the pumpkin, and a brownie thing. The pumpkin was by far the best, but it didn't really meet its description - described as a pumpkin gooey butter cake but there was nothing resembling gooey butter cake in it (gooey butter cake is a weird St. Louis thing that most resembles extra buttery under cooked sugar cookies). The brownie was a bit dry, and the key lime pie was almost inedible. The first taste was yummy and good - the smooth creamy sweetness you expect from key lime pie, but then immediately after that first taste there was an explosion of sour, as though it was lacking the right amount of sugar or too much lime juice had been added.

Anyway, while I wasn't impressed with this place, I'll probably go back. We had heard that the sandwiches were good and they are more reasonably priced.

We can work it out...

2007-10-28T21:49:00.000-05:00

My funk continues. When people ask me how I'm doing, how the elbow is, my standard answer is "fine" and I really mean that. Its not bad; its not good; I'm not bad; I'm not good. I'm "fine." Fine as in, it could be worse - I could be unable to do my chosen career as a result of my injuries - like a doctor or an artist or a chef. So what if I can't knit or do needlepoint or take kick boxing classes or go rock climbing or eat with chop sticks (I think its that last one that makes me cry the most - strange isn't it).

I've come to realize that I'll probably never eat or run or even wave goodbye to a friend like a normal person again. I'm frustrated, and I'm angry, and I'm scared. Its not getting better, and in some ways, its getting worse. My wrist hurts; it pops when I turn it and now sometimes the physical therapy for my elbow makes me have sharp pain in my wrist. I'm convinced that my wrist is trying to make up for what my elbow can no longer do. The last two fingers on the hand have started to hurt - its a GREAT new development. At the same time, the screws under my skin itch. Its a constant annoyance.

I know I shouldn't be so angry and upset about this. I could have so many worse problems. Still, it feels like my life was turned upside down on a hot sunny Sunday in August. I hadn't even planned to go riding that day, but I needed to take my mind off the boy I was seeing that evening. Yay, I really managed to take my mind off him.

I think I'm most frustrated right now because I have so many unanswered questions. Should it be acting this way? Why isn't it making any improvements? Why is it making those popping feelings? What's physically keeping it from turning? Is my wrist alright?

Sorry I'm such a downer lately. This is harder for me than I even expected it to be.

Leaving the comfort zone

2007-10-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

Last night at about 3:40 a.m. (I know that because I got a text message then that woke me up and got me thinking), I made a decision about my future. I decided that I can't stay in St. Louis next year, that I have to see if I can make it in Chicago or D.C. or someplace else.

I've wanted to stay in St. Louis because its comfortable. I know my way around here - I know where to find the good grocery store, the quick post office, the best sushi. I've got some good friends here, and I can happily drive my little car to work every day, never having to interact with anyone. Yet, when I go out on dates with people who have never left Missouri, never experienced living anywhere else, I am immediately bored. I judge those people, and in that same way, I judge myself. Why not at least try "making it" in a big city? Its not like Chicago would be that big of a risk - my family is there, I have friends there from law school, I kind of know my way around already. I can get advice as to which law firms treat their associates like slaves and which ones respect a work/life balance.

And then there is the money. After talking to my friends here regarding the amount they work, I'm more and more convinced that the hours are little different from midsized firms in Chicago, but the pay - well, that's very different. Since Chicago firms would count my clerkship as credit toward pay and partnership, I would come in as a third year associate up there. Also, I would get a clerkship bonus which these days is not something to sneeze at (down payment on a condo). In St. Louis - I get jack. Plus, the firm I previously worked at is likely merging with another firm to become a mega-firm (600+ attorneys), I don't see how this could possibly be a better "work environment" than most Chicago firms.

So, that was my thought process in the middle of the night. Does it still make sense in the light of day? Possibly, no probably. Now, I just need to take some action.

a good ache

2007-10-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

My legs hurt and so do my abs. I tossed and turned all night because in every position, I was just a little uncomfortable. I was exhausted and yet I felt more alive than I have in months. No, I didn't break my dry spell - I went running.

My doctor finally gave me approval to do everything I can do (meaning, if my arm physically can do something, I'm allowed to do it) on Thursday last week. My gym at work is closed for remodeling so I have to run outside, and I had to deal with my landlord on Thursday after work and I had to work late on Friday night. So, yesterday was the first chance I've had. It was both wonderful and miserable. It was a grey cool day and on the second half of the run, I was running in the rain. It was wonderful because there is nothing like running - feeling like I am really working myself hard, getting the head nod from other runners (amazing how ignored I felt when I was walking the same path with a giant arm splint), feeling my skin flush, going from slightly chilled to overheated. I love the feeling. Still, parts of that run were miserable - I hate running in the rain (generally I avoid it at all costs) and this time I didn't even have a hat so I was getting rain in my eyes, I had forgotten how sore my legs and butt get when I haven't run in a long time. Its a good ache, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

To update you on the arm, I'm really beginning to get scared even though the doctor and my physical therapist have told me "I'm not giving up on you yet.' See, while those words are encouraging, they are also frightening - might someone want to give up on me now? My supination is terrible and my therapist is now allowed to touch me. She's doing one of the most aggressive types of physical therapy on me "level 4s" or some such - takes me to the point of pain and then stays there with a slight pulsing. Also, the hardware is pretty close to my skin - if you touch my elbow you can feel the pin heads - um...neat huh...

On a note of life getting back to normal - I am again a terrible dish doer, even with a dishwasher. Today, we were out of bowls and spoons. I did finish loading the dishwasher and turn it on, but I ate my breakfast cereal out of a decorative dip bowl with a plastic spoon - yeah, and I think I'm a grownup...

If your going through hell...

2007-10-02T16:21:00.000-05:00

So, I lied.

Have you ever had one of those days where you can't decide whether you want to vomit or cry because you are just so angry and frustrated,where every light seems to be red, where you realize that you messed up,but its not really your fault, where a stupid electronic recording caused all your problems? Yeah, that's my day today. Gahh...now time to eat something to settle my stomach, and possibly grab a box of tissues.

blah

2007-09-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

These past couple of months have been difficult for me. I've had a lot of difficulty with the little things - going for weeks without being able to shower, being forbidden to workout in any meaningful way, not being able to wear sleeves, not being able to put my hair in a ponytail (and remember I couldn't shower). All minor annoyances that have added up to a very moody and unhappy Megan. Wearing an arm brace has made me feel like a bit of a socialfreak. My parents worry about me for no reason (mom freaked out when she couldn't reach me one day, thinking that I had been in a car accident or something - and those of you who know me, know that I rarely answer my phone).

Now, my arms has begun to heal, and I really hope that I will get all of my abilities back - that this time next year I'll be able to do everything I could do before. Still, I'm beginning to freak out a little. The suplanation and pronation aren't improving at all. It makes me worry that maybe they never will - I know its concerning my physical therapist as well, but she keeps telling me not to worry yet. I'm hopeful, but afraid.

On the life front, I'm afraid that I'm becoming a bad friend to one of my good friends here. I don't want to go out with her because I just can't hear about her ex-bf any more. Its been over two months since they broke up, and hearing her agonize continuously over an ass who she can clearly do better than is driving me a bit daft.

Not to mention the fact that I let my heart get involved with someone I knew better than to care about. When will I learn to trust my instincts about people and not trust them until they have given me a reason to trust. Plus then there's the weight gain that has come with sitting on my butt instead of working out 5+ days a week. I'm working on it, but right now I feel fat and unattractive and freak like. I guess I've had better self-esteem days.

So, yeah, that's generally how I'm doing. I'll try to be more positive the next time I post, I promise.

update

2007-08-14T16:24:00.000-05:00

Today, I had my "see" appointment following my week of "waiting." Unfortunately, the news is not good. They took two sets of ex rays, one set with the splint and one set without. The set without was incredibly painful again because they needed me to twist my elbow "to the point that I could endure." That's not really a phrase that you want to hear from a doctor, and so I'm back on the narcotics for the first time since Wednesday night. So yeah, the bone fragments had moved, and not in a good way. My doc got this really concerned look as he examined the ex rays, and then called in one of his partners to consult. She's a nationally renowned elbow surgeon, and she took one look and said this needs surgery.

In that moment I got myself a new doctor. She scheduled me for surgery next Monday. They are hoping to only have screw the bone back together and not have to give me a replacement tip. If they can screw it in, then it will be an outpatient procedure, if not I might get to enjoy the wonderful hospitality of Barnes. They say I'll be taking at least a week off of work afterward, can plan on another two weeks in the splint (until surgery and a week after surgery), and it will be at least 3 months post surgery before I'm back to normal.

The good news/bad news is that I am approved to ride the recumbent bike and only the recumbent bike at the gym for the near future. The doc doesn't want me doing anything where I could trip and fall until probably 6 weeks post-op so no running, walking, elliptical or real bike for quite a long time. Being inactive this week has driven me NUTS! As you all know, I'm a very active person. Being slothful has made me moody and depressed. Not only am I concerned about gaining weight because I'm not working out six days a week, but I can't handle the moodiness. I need my endorphins hit!

I'll keep you all updated.

Always wear clean underware, you never know when you will have to go to the emergency room

2007-08-07T18:05:00.000-05:00

and you really don't want to go to the ER when you aren't wearing any at all. On Sunday afternoon, I had my first bike crash. I got distracted, was slightly off course, overcompensated and panicked causing a crash. I landed on my face and elbow. Oddly enough, I hadn't been listening to my ipod (i almost always do when biking) and I hadn't brought my cell phone (I always do). Luckily, "Brother Tim" came along (God was watching out for me), asked me if I was alright and then called 911. He stayed with me in the 100 degree heat while we waited for the ambulance to find us. He got me to sit in the shade and fed me water as I moaned and cursed under my breathe (I'm still feeling bad about all the "god damnits" he had to hear.

10 hours later, I left the hospital with a "fractured radial head" (broken elbow), high on morphine, with a cast, sling and prescription for Oxycontin. The hospital staff was fantastic (I feel terrible for screaming during the ex rays and needing to be held down) even if they couldn't decide if I needed surgery so kept me there hungry and thirsty extra long. After seeing a specialist today, I know its "s really bad fracture" and we are taking a wait and see approach. He's not sure that he can help me with surgery, but he knows he can make it worse. So it looks like no running, biking or rock climbing for me for at least a couple months.

Typing is difficult cause I can only use my left hand so i may not write much for the next couple months. Just thought you all would want to know what's up.

blisters and bikini waxes

2007-07-30T15:10:00.001-05:00

Its amazing what we women put up with for the sake of beauty. Right now, my big complaints are blisters and bikini waxes.

On Saturday night, I went out with some friends to party like rock stars as part of a bachelorette party. I didn't manage the rock star part so well because of my g-d shoes. The traffic downtown was terrible because of the Cardinals game, so I ended up parking my car on the street (ok, so I drove and I wasn't planning on partying too much anyway, but regardless this blister sucks) about 10 blocks from the bar (maybe further). One of the girls in my car, desperately had to pee so we basically ran all the way to the bar. When I got there my foot hurt - running 8 blocks in strappy silver stilettos is not a good idea. I looked hot, but it hurt to stand, move, be. A humongous blister had already both formed and popped. I ended up taking a cab back to my car (um, yeah, really couldn't walk that far and I was leaving alone and that's just not safe) earlier than I would have like (stayed out till 12:30ish).

The next day, my blister killed me as I put on my climbing shoes, but then it was ok. I tried those super blister bandaids, but even those won't stay on cause of the location of this particular blister. I can't wear strappy heals, and even my full on shoes hurt terrible. Those strappy silver stilettos were not worth this much pain. Now, I can't even go running, but not cause of a running blister, no...cause of stupid cute shoes.

Tonight I'm getting a bikini wax. Its been months for me, and I sort of feel like I'm gonna have to apologize to the waxer for not coming in sooner. Its gonna hurt like hell, but again its all of beauty. Why is this our societies standard that a girl has got to groom down there? What's up with that? I suppose I could fight it, but like shaving my legs, ultimately it makes me more comfortable. I know I'll enjoy long bike rides far more post wax than I would right now...but that doesn't mean I enjoy the process. Ug.

athletic and fit

2007-07-26T09:44:00.000-05:00

I know I don't have the body type of your typical "athletic and fit" person, but I have to admit I'm always a little surprised at the reaction of fitness people to my abilities (although in all cases its not the trainers who are surprised, but the person at the front desk). Recently I experienced this twice (not to mention the guy I wanted to slap when I joined 24 hour fitness last year who kept saying "when you start a fitness routine..." - screw yourself buddy, I work out at least 5 days a week; I ain't just starting nothing).

A couple weeks ago, I decided to go to my first boxing class at this gym that does exclusively boxing. While I'd never done boxing or kickboxing before, my friend who trained with me for much of the half marathon invited me cause she knew the instructor and thought I would really enjoy it. I did love the class; it was hard, and my entire core hurt for two days, but it was completely manageable for me. What I particularly enjoyed was the guy at the front desk though. When I walk in saying I want to do the class, he looks at me and asks, "Well, what's your fitness level? You need to be really in shape for that class." I respond that I work out about five days a week. He still looks sceptical until I mention the fact that I ran the half marathon in April - then he responds with "well, then you should be fine." I love the scepticism.

Last night I went to a different gym on a free five day pass to take a kickboxing class with the same teacher. I'm thinking of joining this other gym cause it offers a bunch of class (kickboxing, dance, spinning, yoga, Pilate's) that are all included in the membership. The only problem is the gym is SUPER expensive, and I don't need to add to my monthly payments right now. The class went great, I learned proper kicking technique, and sweated so much that it got in my eyes, but again I found the front desk person funny. Afterward, I was talking to the membership lady when the class's instructor came up to talk to me about it - congratulating me on jumping right in to that class. The membership lady had just finished describing the classes and mentioned the number system and how the higher numbers were hard and I might not want to jump right in to those. When she heard the instructor's complements, she then said, well, if you can jump right into that class, you can pretty much handle anything we've got.

Just makes me wonder - do fitness people (not trainers - people who work at gyms) expect that the only fit people are the ultra thin muscular kind? Am I judged as fat, lazy, and unfit just because I carry an extra ten pounds around? I also think its funny that actual trainers never seem surprised by my abilities. They don't start me too easy, but push me ahead. They never tell me they don't think I can handle their class, they just smile invitingly and teach me what to do. I hate that the average member of the public sees something different than the truth - I am athletic and fit, even if I don't look like it!

disconnect

2007-07-23T12:59:00.000-05:00

Until recently, reading an article like this one wouldn't even have crossed my mind. I've always been one of those disconnected people. No one in my family has ever served in the military (my father had a job deferment in Vietnam and I'm still unclear about my grandfather and WWII - I think I was told something about flat feet), and it generally hasn't been something that felt relevant to my daily life. Just last week, I actually had a conversation with one of my friends about my lack of understanding. Even after my changing perspective, I stand by what I said to my friend - I still can't comprehend people who join the military to pay for college. Its too hard and its not enough money. I stand by my belief that I can only really understand joining the military for more - for a love of country, for a belief that its something that you have to do, to become the person you want to be.

I don't think money alone should ever be the enticement to join, and yet, it seems so often that must be a driving force. Why else would the vast majority of people who are enlisting be from lower class families? Why the class distinction? Are poorer people more patriotic or do they just have less options? Its difficult for me to understand how a 15K signing bonus entices people to enlist/re-enlist, but I think that might be another example of my disconnect. I've got 80K in student loan debt and pay my loan provider about $500 a month. I believe that this debt is worth it, and never even considered not going to law school due to costs. But, I come from an upper-middle/upper class background. $10,000 is a lot of money to me, but not so much money that I would ever base a decision on that (as exemplified by my current job choice over the other options that I had). I can't really comprehend what it would be like for $10,000 to be enough money to change your life.

I think that's possibly just as great of a disconnect as the one talked about in that article. While I think its not healthy for our Country, that civilians like me can't even remotely relate to those serving in the military, I also think its terribly unhealthy that wealthy folks, like me, can't relate to those at the bottom of the income bracket.

:-P

2007-07-20T13:48:00.000-05:00

I've been instructed to blog, but really I have nothing much I care to share on here going on these days. I got a letter back from the Marine boy, but I'm not sharing. Work is slow. I'm running on a treadmill two days a week cause its too hot and humid here to run outside. I'm seeing Ani DiFranco tonight at a free concert. I made cookies last night. I only ate two. That's it. That's my exciting life. Can't wait for the joy that will be reading Harry Potter tonight at midnight.

breaking up is hard to do

2007-07-12T09:39:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, I'm not speaking of boy breaking up (although I am TERRIBLE at that as well), I'm instead speaking of a "running partner" breakup that I haven't done yet. I put "running partner" in quotes because, well, she hasn't been much of one. We have a standing agreement that I will drive over to her apartment building and meet her at 6:20 in the morning for a 40 minute run in the park, 2 days a week. This is not for my benefit. I have no trouble getting myself to workout 5 days a week (though if left to my own devices, this might involve more biking and elliptical machines in the summer and less running). The timing also isn't for my benefit - I could leave my apartment at 7:45 and still have plenty of time for a 45 minute run. I don't leave my apartment in the morning until 8:15/8:20, and I just hop in the shower and grab some breakfast post run. So, I've been getting up 40 minutes early, driving over to her place, and waiting for her to come down two days a week (unless she kindly calls or texts ahead to tell me not to meet her).

Unfortunately, I'm getting annoyed. At least one day a week, she cancels. Either by calling ahead or just not showing up when I'm waiting around outside her building (I wait until 6:30, if she's not there, I go run by myself). This week she texted ahead to cancel on Tuesday, and then just didn't show up this morning. Now, the texting or calling ahead is better than just not showing up, but still not great. I still wake up early and then have to check my phone. Even if I go back to sleep, its not the same as sleeping in until my regular wake up time (I normally end up sort of going back to sleep and then working out after work or at lunch in the gym at work). I'm annoyed, but I don't know how to end this running relationship.

At first, I tried to be understanding because I know she has a history of insomnia. If she can't fall asleep until 3 A.M., I can totally understand why she would need to sleep in as late as possible. Then she broke up with her boyfriend, this process took a couple weeks, with her staying up very very late talking to him on the phone. I tried to be understanding and didn't complain about her missing the runs, but here's the thing...I'm not that understanding, its still pissed me off. And now, I'm sure she's depressed about the breakup and still has insomnia issues, but that's not my problem.

Plus, while she is a lovely friend and I enjoy spending time with her, she doesn't help me much with my runs. She's slightly faster than me in the beginning, but then can't keep up as we hit mile 3 or so. Plus, she doesn't talk while running - she's a total headphones girl. I have no beef with running with headphones. I do it myself when I'm running alone or on a treadmill (yes, I know its not safe while running outdoors, but my love for running just isn't strong enough to allow me to do it without the benefit of music). Still, when I run with others, I try to carry on a conversation. It helps the time pass and allows me to avoid hating every playlist on my ipod. I ran the entire half marathon without music, as well as all of my long runs where I had company. So, running with her is quite a bit like running alone. I've only agreed to meet her in the morning to help motivate her and that's obviously not working.

The question is - how do I end it? I don't want to kick her while she's down, but I don't think I can put up with a couple more weeks of this.

Thanks for calling

2007-07-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

On my birthday I got a rather unexpected phone call. The first three digits after the area code were from the same area as where I grew up, and so, I answered thinking perhaps it was someone I knew, but didn't recognize the phone number. In response to my "hello?..." I heard a rather nervous sounding woman introduce herself, "Hi, this is Sally Momwithlonglastname*. You went on a couple of dates with my son Marine boy*." Now I recognized her name immediately, and these are the immediate thoughts that popped into my head - God, I hope he's not dead or something...if he is, why the hell would she call me...ummm, why they hell is she calling me...we went out two months ago and I never heard from him again after I let him sleep over at my place...Wait...why is she calling me?

She then explained that Marine Boy had been too busy to call me before heading off to boot camp and had sent her a letter asking her to call me on his cell phone to give me his address at boot camp. She wrote back that she had turned off his cell phone and so couldn't call me with it (apparently she's not that techno savie and didn't realize that while she couldn't use the phone to dial my number, it probably still worked to turn it on and find my number in the address book, but I digress). He then wrote back telling her that he remembered that I lived across the street from a guy he went to high school with, and so, she called my neighbors who she probably hadn't spoken to since he was a sophomore in high school (he spent his last two years of high school out of state). My neighbor then called my parent's house (ummm, I don't live there anymore) and told my mom that his mom would be calling to get my phone number, that they are normal/good people, and that he's not stalking me or anything. Then his mom calls my mom, who gives her my phone number and his mom then proceeds to call me (I can't MAKE this shit up). I get his address at boot camp and then hang up. After describing this bizarro scenario to one of my co-workers, my phone rings again...its Ms. Momwithlonglastname again calling to tell me that if I write to him I should make sure not to put anything other than addresses on the outside of the envelope cause apparently that would cause Marine boy to have to do extra push ups or something at boot camp.

I ended up writing him a letter, but I didn't really know what to say. I mean, what do you say to someone who you haven't spoken to in 2 months, didn't call you after your last date, and you only went out with 2 times? I settled for describing my new apartment and the bike ride I had taken on the 4th.

When I described the whole situation to my friends at my birthday celebration, I was told what the proper response would have been - an envelope with hearts and flowers and perfume all over it with a letter inside that said, "Thanks for calling..." I don't think I could be that evil;-) My roommate has jokingly told me that if his mom went through all that trouble to reach me (and man, she really did), we are destined to get married...hmmm...I'm laughing a bit in my cubicle right now thinking about that one.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It looks like a dude's

2007-07-02T11:34:00.001-05:00

I've recently been told, by more than one person, that the inside of my refridgerator looks like it belongs to a guy. We have eggs, (soy) milk, two kinds of juice, a couple things of mustard, ketchup, cheese, butter, and beer that you can see when you open it up. The veggie drawer is now full of wonderful things like jicama, beets, mushroom, mixed field greens, homegrown tomatoes, and onions, but you can't really see any of that without opening the drawer. Apparently, this comment (as both speakers have indicated) was in part inspired my our near complete lack of salad dressing. I must admit, that like most girls, in the past, I had bottles and bottles of salad dressing. I had light italian, fat free raspberry vinegerette, light ranch, fat free ranch, thousand island, etc. Now, we have one lonely bottle purchased by my roommate. These days I don't buy salad dressing. For me ranch dressing is a bit of a binge food - mmm ranch on practically anything - and so I don't keep it in the house.

And oil and vineger dressings - well, those I can make myself. I'd rather make up a small batch of my special balsamic dressing than keep a big bottle of acceptable but uninteresting italian dressing ready for those occassions when I want it (ummm almost never). This morning, after chopping up a salad with jicama (a surprising favorite of mine), beets, tomatoes, and blue cheese, I mixed up a tiny container of my special dressing - hands down it beats any store bought dressing: balsamic vineger, olive oil, sugar, and whole grain mustard. That's it and its so wonderful. So, now, for lunch, I'm eating a beautifully pink tinged salad with the crunch of jicama, the odd sweetness of beets, the bright zing of balsamic balanced out by the stinky mild flavor of the blue cheese.

After an excruciating weekend, its good to be eating lunch at work today.

Cherries

2007-06-28T15:27:00.000-05:00

For years, I loved Bing Cherries. As a child, they were my most favorite food. I thought that they were special - just for me. They only came into season for a few weeks before my birthday and then, a week or so later, like magic, they were gone. I remember sitting on the floor in front of my parent's couch watching DuckTales and eating cherry after cherry out of the thin plastic bag. I would eat until I was sick. I love the firm ripe deep red ones and would savor the sweet juice as I ate each one. I would leave even most slightly mushy cherries behind - they weren't worth my effort and ruined the wonderful perfection of the other cherries. I really loved Bing cherries.

Then, two years ago, I discovered Rainier cherries, and suddenly the Bings seemed like a cheap imitation. Everything about the Rainiers is better. They are sweeter without being too sweet; they are firmer; they are perfect even when bruised and blemished; they taste like heaven with blue cheese and honey. The only problem with them is the price. It hurts to spend $6.99 a pound for fruit, but what can you do when its true love and its only available for a few short weeks each summer?

Last winter I tried to get my cherry fix with something that can't remotely live up to either of those fresh varieties - frozen sweet cherries. While far better than canned, nothing about them compares to the sensation of popping a a firm ripe cherry in your mouth and scraping the pit clean with your teeth. They serve a purpose, but frozen cherries only make me long for summer and its bounty.

I'm so glad summer is here.

Opinions

2007-06-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

One of my dear friends said something last night that really hurt me. It hurt me because I couldn't understand why she would think that about me, how she had formed that opinion about me, as someone who knows me so well. Its wasn't a big thing, and I'm not even sure what she meant by it. It left me a little bit hurt and a little bit surprised and quite frankly a little bit angry. It also made me wonder what sort of image I put off about myself.

I guess I should tell you want the comment was - "I can't really see you enjoying life in Colorado" - after I had just stated my desire to live there at some point in time. While I admit that I'm not really the North Face Fleece wearing type (well, I own one and wear it on weekends in the winter). I enjoy nice clothes. I like wearing heals, and I guess I don't do drugs. But, I don't really see why any of that would make her come to that conclusion. As I have discussed her, I'm not a beach person (I could never visit another beach again and probably not be all that sad about it), and I love the mountains and outdoors. I love spending weekends biking or hiking or running outside. I love watching leaves change, catching a deer unaware as I head down a path, or playing in the mounds of freshly fallen snow.

I don't know why I let this opinion get to me so much. This friend's opinions really do matter to me for some unknown reason. As a thirteen year old, singing along to 4 Non Blondes' What's Up, I remember be angered by her comment that I shouldn't sing that song because I didn't have the voice for it. I actually felt vindicated from that comment when my college a cappella group chose me to sing the solo on that very same song. Some might say that I have a memory like an elephants, but I don't really. Its more that her opinions and minor comments can wound me more than almost anyone else's. I don't know why that is. Its so strange because I've sort of grown as a person to the point where most of the time I don't give a damn about what others think about me, but for some reason that's just not true with her (or my mother for that matter). Why do some people's opinions matter more?

Food

2007-06-26T11:47:00.000-05:00

I don't write about food much on here. Its not that food isn't important to me - in fact, I would actually say that I have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with food. Its more that my experiences with food seem to me to either be embarrassing (hello eating an entire box of weight watchers giant fudge bars in one sitting) or boring (dinner often consists of a green vegetable, whole wheat pasta, garlic, and olive oil). I think that's part of the problem. I love food and I love eating, but so often I'm fighting myself over these loves. I'm feeling guilty about the dessert I shared with a friend last night, or sneakily gobbling down an entire bag of white cheddar cheese popcorn in my car (both things happened last weekend). I need to give up guilt. I need to stop regarding foods as good or bad. I need to accept that sometimes I eat for reasons that have nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with emotion. Food is not the enemy. Since I already think about food far too much, I want to revel in the tastes and textures, in the scents and flavors.

Today's lunch embodies what I want to feel about food and the kind of food I particularly enjoy putting in my body. I've been excited about this lunch since I thought of it yesterday afternoon. I was sad yesterday when I realized I couldn't have it for dinner cause I already had plans to go out. I convinced myself to go on my run this morning instead of going back to bed when my running partner didn't show up by reminding myself that if I went running I would have time post-run to create this perfect meal (and if I had gone back to sleep I certainly would have overslept and been unable to make it).

Today's lunch tastes of the sweetness of fresh home grown tomatoes, the tangy crispness of chopped green bell peppers, the slightly bitter zing of diced white onions, and the mellow nutiness of olive oil. It tastes fresh and clean. It uses food from my fridge that had sunk to the bottom of my refridgerator drawer and begun to shrivel, but tastes as though I had purchased the produce at the farmers market yesterday. Its food that fills me up and leaves me satisified, yet without a trace of guilt. It nurishes my body and soul.

My lunch is simple - its just couscous with diced tomatoes, onions, green pepper, olive oil, and a tad of garlic. Its just a tabouleh salad. I didn't measure anything, I just boiled some water, threw in some couscous and began chopping. I'll probably never make another salad just like it again. I have no idea how much olive oil or salt I used, and I'll probably stink to the high heavens for the entire afternoon (garlic, check, onions, check). For all I know, it could be horrible for me due to the amount of olive oil, but this is how I want to eat. The reverence that I felt as I dined on this simple salad is how I want to feel about food.

I'm tired of fighting myself over food. I'm tired of feeling guilty. So here's what I want to do - eat foods that satisfy me. Think about what I'm putting in my mouth and why. I want to stop worrying about the amount of olive oil in the salad, and recognize that its just food. Its tomatoes and green peppers and onions and couscous. Its nutrious and healthy. It tastes good. I dwell on the joy in eating and stop being consumed by a fear of food.

To some extent, I've been living with this mindset since the half marathon. I eat what I want to eat. I try to eat at least 5 servings of whole fruit and veggies a day, not because I should, but because it makes me feel good. My body feels better when I do that. I've lost the weight I gained at the end of the half, and in fact, last week (before the striking of PMS bloating), I was back down to 155. If I can eat as I please and maintain my weight, I think I'm ok with maintaining a weight that is slightly higher than is considered "healthy."

pseudo-date

2007-06-21T09:54:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow night I'm going to dinner and out dancing with a guy who is pretty damn awesome. He's smart and funny and passionate and close to his family and friends with my friends. I've known him since high school, and he's in town on a break from working on his Ph.D. in Chemistry. But is it a date? Chemistry boy will probably pay for dinner cause he's that kind of guy. He's picking me up at my apartment at six and there will be lots of dancing the night away. He's straight. He had invited me to go to a wedding with him, but I had to pass because I'll be at a different wedding that night. With most other guys in this situation I would think - DATE - but with him, well, I'm not sure.

He came over to the apartment last night, nominally to see the roommate, but ended up hanging out with me instead. In passing, he mentioned that he had been telling his parents about me. Does this lead more to the date theory? Oh, and he called me his dancing partner if that influences the determination. I've never kissed this guy (and honestly the attraction thing is maybe the problem - nicest guy ever, but I've never thought that I wanted to jump him). So, I guess we will find out if its a date or not tomorrow night ;-)

half again?

2007-06-20T12:56:00.000-05:00

So, I was talking with my friend Matt today, and he asked if I was going to run the Lewis & Clark half marathon in September. L&C is the other major half marathon in St. Louis - in fact, its where Dean Karnazes' 50, 50, 50 started last year. I hadn't really thought about whether I would do it or not until Matt's question. And now, I don't know:

Pros:
- I want to run another half marathon someday
- Its convenient (I don't have to travel)
- Matt will probably run it too (and in under 2 hours)
- Being in training makes me feel good about myself (physically and mentally)
- It would keep me on a workout schedule
- I've already written the daily mileage in my day planner

Cons:
- I hate running in heat
- I like sleeping in on weekends
- I've been looking forward to having weekends for long bike rides, float trips, weddings, rock climbing, and relaxing by the pool
- I was so bored with running by the time I finished training for the St. Louis half that I just started running regularly again last week
- I hate running in heat
- I like running in the cold (even sub 30 degree weather with snow on the ground)
- I've already missed the first week of training (not that big a deal, training for the week calls for 13 total miles, and I was gonna run 10 or so anyway)
- Training would mess with my current agreement with a workout partner who would not be training

After this analysis, I think I am just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and not train. If what I'm doing ends up looking like training, then maybe I'll sign up for the race. Otherwise, I think I will enjoy long bike rides, float trips, weddings, rock climbing, and relaxing by the pool (while still getting in 5 or more workouts a week). I think I am more suited for spring racing rather than fall racing because of my very strong training weather preference. What do you all think?

Movin' on Up

2007-06-15T18:08:00.000-05:00

I’m almost completely moved in to the new apartment. YAY! I love the new apartment and my new furniture looks fabulous.

Yesterday was difficult. The only thing wrong with my apartment is that it’s a third floor walkup, which is only a problem when you are moving in and moving out. I moved two Toyota Camry loads myself, up all those stairs, and unpacked all the stuff. As you can see it was a lot of boxes.

Once I saw the apartment, I realized that my bedroom is a wee bit smaller than I had imagined it in my minds eye. My solution was to cancel the sleigh bed frame. My room looks very finished even without a bed frame, and its going to look even better once I get my curtains up (pretty much the only thing I have to do on my end of things).

Now, I need to buy a couple more things. First, I need groceries. Next, I need a chair. All I want is a simple wooden chair that looks good with my office furniture and fits in the corner when I’m not using it at my desk. Right now, there are only three places to sit in my apartment: my bed, the floor, and my balance ball. I’ve written this entire post while sitting on my balance ball – isn’t that supposed to be good for my abs or something?

The apartment itself is BEAUTIFUL. The kitchen is gorgeous! My bathroom is quite nice, but currently has a slight problem.

So, I started moving yesterday at 7 AM. I didn’t finish and sit down until around 10:30 pm. It was a long move. When I got done, all I wanted was a nice hot shower. First problem: the hot water wouldn’t go on in my shower. This problem was easy to solve – the water had been hooked up backwards, so I just set the water to cold and voila hot water. The next problem caused my bigger problem, the water was spraying in my face too much so I attempted to adjust the shower head so it was behind me more. Um, ouch, not a good idea. I push a bit too hard, and um, broke off my shower head. I got hit in the eye with an incredibly powerful stream of water. I got out of the shower, and used my future roommate’s bathroom instead. Luckily I had already cleaned her bathroom for her. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with the broken shower last night, and although I’m sure its fixable, I think that might be waiting for my dad to fix it for me (I’m too embarrassed to call the landlords about this one unless dad can’t fix it).

btw – I love my new bed.

on the run again

2007-06-12T09:40:00.000-05:00

I have this big post written up on my laptop about my move last weekend with photos and everything, but internet access isn't cooperating at home so that post is going to have to wait until tomorrow (when the cable company comes out and sets things up again - lets just say there was a slight miscommunication with my landlord).

Anyway, there are two wonderful things that I am already enjoying about my move. The first is that my commute is literally 6 miles. When I leave my apartment at 8:10, I'm sitting in my desk chair at 8:30. There is no traffic and I'm not going to need to fill up my gas tank every 5 days. Its wonderful. I'm still inclined to try taking public transportation, but right now I'm reveling in the quick commute time. I'm not ready to have a 45 minute commute again just yet.

The second thing is the park. I now live about a half a block from Forest Park. I've written about the park before - its the place where I did my long training runs. I can't say enough great things about having it right outside my back door. I haven't been able to resist the lure of having it just steps away. Yesterday, even though I had Zumba after work, I got up early and went for a 40 minute run. Today, I drove to the other side of the park to meet a friend at 6:20 for another 40 minute run. While getting up at 6 isn't my favorite thing, I have found that I'm already awake so I might as well be running. 6 am in the park is almost a magic time. Its sunny and bright, but the weather isn't too hot yet. There are plenty of other runners on the path so you feel safe, but its not crazy busy like a nice Saturday morning. It has enough hills for diversity, but it has enough flat stretches that you don't get too worn out. Based on the way I live my life now, I never want to live anywhere else in St. Louis. I couldn't be happier.

note to self

2007-06-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

Don't ride my bike in the evening without sunglasses, 2 reasons: (1) the sun is right in your eyes when you aren't in the shade and (2) bugs, lots of bugs. Bugs in your eyes suck.

big plans

2007-06-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I had big plans. I was supposed to ride my bicycle over 70 miles in two days. I was supposed to get a little packing done, but generally just enjoy spending two days in Southern Illinois. I was supposed to wear my new Fat Cyclist jersey (orange). None of that happened.

We had thunderstorms this weekend. Friday night, the power went out in the movie theater while I watched Knocked Up (eh, entertaining, but mediocre at best). Saturday, I still wasn't feeling 100% after the wonderful bought with the stomach flu during the week, and thunderstorms were projected for Southern Illinois. I'm a pansy and have no real desire to ride my bike in the middle of thunderstorms, or get picked up by the sag wagon and hang out with a bunch of random people I don't know in the rain. And it was supposed to rain all morning on Sunday. So, I didn't go. I stayed home. I did a lot of packing, reading of books, going to a housewarming party, getting a bad manicure (stupid not letting the polish dry between coats and hence having bubbling nails), and going to brunch. It was a wonderful weekend, even if I was a lazy behind and didn't do an ounce of exercise. It turned out Sunday was perfect in St. Louis (though who knows what things were like 150 miles away in Southern IL).

My only regret is that I didn't get to ride that morning and wear my brand spanking new jersey. Its super cool and I feel so connected to the world when I wear it. I know people have received those jerseys across the country and even throughout the world.

On that note, I have another post about his Pink jerseys. As I mentioned before, his wife is being treated for Cancer, and he has come out with a pink jersey. Twin Six, the company that is making the jerseys, isn't making any profit off the them. The profits are all being divided three ways: to pay for fatty's wife's cancer treatment, to pay for a trip to Italy for her after treatment, and to go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. I've got to admit that though I have never met fatty and likely never will, I have begun to feel like I'm a part of that community and that I truly know him. I'm looking forward to getting my pink jersey and wearing it with pride.

bleagh!

2007-06-01T15:49:00.001-05:00

Um, so, well, the reason my body hurt everywhere wasn't just muscle pain. I had the stomach flu. Missed two days of work. Ached all over. Curled up in a little ball in my bed. Generally hated life. Things are better now...lets just pray there is no rain this weekend in southern Illinois...

I hurt. Everywhere.

2007-05-29T09:42:00.000-05:00

More honestly, I could say that I hurt everywhere below my chin. My head actually feels fine. The pain is a result of a fantastic weekend, though, so really its a good thing.

My exercise binge on Saturday has resulted in some somewhat lasting repercussions. My legs are still sore for the crazy amount of squats that we did in that sculpt and tone class. I don't think it helped much that I also did a spinning class and a two hour bike ride that day. Its not really suprising that every time I even looked at stairs the rest of the weekend, my legs screamed in protest. I had forgotten how much I hate squats, but man, I really do hate them. They make me hurt; they are boring; they make me want to hurt someone. Really nothing good about squats - other than the fact that they make my butt and legs look good ;-)

The rest of me hurts from the really fun activities of this weekend at the Lake of the Ozarks. I got driven around on a jet ski and well, I got thrown off 3 times (the driver claims only one of these times was intentional, but I have my doubts). It was a total blast, but my butt is SORE from slamming into the side of the jet ski on my way down. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time so it was totally worth the pain and the lost and gone forever sunglasses (at least they were cheap ones). My back, neck, shoulders, and arms are sore from the tubing. We got pulled around in a big tube and bounced around on the lake. I was holding on for my dear life, and again, a total blast. I felt like a teenager - part of that was probably going on the lake vacation with my parents and family friends, but part of it was just the joy of playing on the lake. It was great to relax in the sun, go for boat rides, play in the lake, and eat badly (oh, the best cookies and cakes, hot dogs and smores...mmmmmmm).

Weight: 161.5 (ug, but after my eating at the lake, not a big surprise - I gotta get this back under control!)

holy crap

2007-05-26T15:56:00.000-05:00

I had a number of blog posts I wanted to write today. I went on somewhat of an exercise binge today (spinning class, sculpt and tone class, 2 hours of biking the Katy) and I've discovered a new favorite food (locally made all natural peanut butter), but I have to write about something else because I need my heart to stop racing.

My bike rack broke on the highway. Yep, BROKE! My bike was then being held onto my car by 1 strap and the cord I use to keep my front wheel from moving around. The back wheel had moved off the rack and WAS DRAGGING ON THE GROUND!! I don't have a cheap bike rack- nope - I recently spent over $100 to buy a Saris Bones-3 bike rack. Its supposed to be one of the top trunk racks on the market. One of the straps that holds the bike to the rack snapped right in half right where it joins to the rack. I want to cry - I love the bike rack, but now how can I trust it anymore (there are two other slots that aren't broken)? I need a good bike rack cause I have to drive a couple hundred miles next weekend for a bike trip I have planned.

I just never expected anything like this to happen. I expected if there was ever a problem with my bike rack it would be because I had installed something wrong. But, this wasn't my error. I have no idea how this could have happened, and I don't know what to do to prevent it. Luckily I was able to get off the highway and put the bike on a different slot without incident. Hearing the sound of that plastic snapping (and I heard it snap) is going to continue to freak me out for a while.

After I get back from the road trip next weekend, I think I will be sending the rack in to Saris. Its supposed to have a lifetime warranty - hopefully they will replace the part.

Vegan Pad Thai

2007-05-25T14:08:00.000-05:00

So, when your lunch makes you want to vomit, you know you have done something terribly wrong. Lately, I've been attempting to eat vegetarian for most meals of the day - in part because it tends to be lower calorie and in part because its environmentally friendly. Anyway, I had purchased this vegan pad thai at whole foods cause I wanted a change for the wonderful Amy's Organic meals that I love so much. This was a mistake. The smell wasn't particularly appetizing, but I never let that rule my food decisions by itself. I've had some quite yummy frozen entrees that don't smell so great. What got me, though, was the taste and texture. Bleech! Luckilly the smell wasn't too strong so I didn't have to take the uneaten box out to the bathroom trash to dispose of the stink - it could just go in the regular trash can.

Then I found something else to eat in the cafeteria - yummy popcorn shrimp and french fries. Nothing about this was the healthiest option, but man was it good.

Weight: 161 (ug)

traveling woman

2007-05-21T01:26:00.000-05:00

Well, my mission to avoid being at home as much as possible during the month that I am home with my parents is working quite well. This trip to Chicago for the weekend was quite a blast. I got into the city at about 11 pm on Friday night, and what a night it was. One of my friends from law school had flown in for the weekend from DC for a wedding and he wanted to go clubbin’. The thing about Navid is that he doesn’t drink, but boy really can dance. We didn’t even head out until 12:30 and then we headed down to the Rush street area. The bars aren’t really my scene. They are the kind of places that make me feel old, but I suppose that can’t be helped. We hung out at a table at one bar until about 2, when our friend Scott finally showed up (he had a prior karaoke engagement, apparently). Only problem was that Scott had gym shoes on – the bar was not going to let him in, even after Laura tried to use her feminine whiles on the bouncer. So then we had to leave, and find a new bar – at 2 a.m. We ended up at another bar that in the past has really really not been my scene. I had a blast that night, but it wasn’t cause of the bar, it was cause of my friends. Navid is a great guy to dance with – he knows how to dance but he also keeps an appropriate distance so that I don’t feel at all uncomfortable. The bar was one of those places that constantly amaze me. People were making out every where, couples were grinding on the floor – craziness. What did I expect from a bar after 2 a.m. on a Friday night? We finally got back to Laura’s place at about 4, and sadly, I only managed to sleep until sunrise. I stayed in bed until 9, but I have gotten to the point where I can’t sleep well after the sun comes up. Its really sad.

Saturday involved a trip to Target, where I encountered my first (English as a native language) person who had no idea what a cooler was. She just looked at us with a completely blank stare when we asked her where they were in the store. The sad thing was I was so shocked by her complete lack of understanding that I couldn’t think of a description of a cooler. The best I could come up with was “you know, one of those things that people sometimes put ice in.” Somehow my magnificent description allowed her to tell us that they were in fact downstairs (actually the ones we wanted were upstairs, but we later discovered that they were also downstairs so perhaps she wasn’t a complete moron). The morning was rounded out with a trip to the grocery store, and then there was an afternoon of eating. We got back to Laura’s around 1:00 and she had invited people over for a BBQ. The BBQ ended up lasting all day long, and she wouldn’t start grilling till other people got there. Now Cheerios are all well and good, but at bowl of Cheerios at 9 a.m. will not see me through until 3 p.m. so I started snacking, and snacking, and snacking. I think I consumed about 1000 calories worth of pretzels. It was a perfect Saturday in Chicago to be sitting out on a roof deck, sunny and about 80-85. But, by the time the BBQ ended, I was exhausted and very very full of pretzel and fruit salad. We had planned to meet the law school crowd out again after a nap, but when I woke from my nap at 11 (there’s more of a story there) no one wanted to go out anymore.

Today was kinda dreary and bleak. We got a nice brunch out – mmmm eggs benedict. Then we sat around watching the Cubs/Sox game and then Indiana Jones. I had forgotten how much those snakes creep me out. I think that movie (Lost Arc) is what inspired my fear of snakes. When I was really little I used to not be scared of snakes at all and would even catch them in my creek. Now, I freak out even when I see a completely harmless one on the path when I’m riding my bike.

So, my one disappointment of the weekend was that I didn’t get to see Sean (train boy) at all. He invited me to a party on Friday night, but none of my friends wanted to go (I don’t blame them). I called him on Saturday to invite him to the BBQ, but I didn’t hear from him until 11 (that’s what woke me from my “nap.”). We made plans to get together this afternoon, but then he told me where to meet him. Then I got a call from him after I had gotten back on the train to go home. I sort of feel like it was intentional, but who knows? I certainly didn’t make too much of an extra effort to see him, and so I didn’t really expect him to go out of his way to see me. Still, if he didn’t intend to hang out today, he shouldn’t have told me last night that we would hang out at a bar this afternoon. I don’t really care, but I must care more than I think I do because I’m writing about it here. Oh well…

As far as athletic stuff goes, I actually did sign up for that bike trip the first weekend in June. I’m a little nervous about the 70 miles in 2 days. That’s the longest I’ve ever ridden in two days together. Also, I hope the Tunnel Hill Trail is just as flat as easy as the Katy trail and doesn’t have an incline like Grant’s trail.

Stupid

2007-05-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

I can't even begin to describe to you all how mad at myself I am right now. This morning when I got to work, I realized that I had left my cell phone at home. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. I don't use my phone much at work, but today, I needed my phone cause I'm catching a train to Chicago at 5:00. I don't know most people's numbers without my cell phone, including the number for the girl I'm supposed to be staying with. So, at lunch time, I took an extra long lunch break and drove all the way home (50 miles round trip) to get my cell phone.

I got home, grabbed the cell phone and charger and decided that while I was home, I should change shirts cause it was chillier here than expected (so undoubtably its colder in Chicago). I listened to my voicemail as I went up the stairs, deleted the voicemail, set the phone down on my bad, changed shirts, got back in my car and drove home. As you will note, there is a slight step missing in that sentence - picking the phone back up off the bed. I got to the parking garage at work and decided that I should check to see what time it is. I began digging in my purse, but no cell phone. I dumped out the contents of my purse, but still no cell phone. Now, that's what I call stupid.

Anyway, my dad is currently on his way, driving downtown (50 miles roundtrip remember) to bring me my cell phone. My own stupidity amazes me sometimes...

Patience

2007-05-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

I don't have a lot of patience, either with myself or with other people. Last night, I learned that this applies to my biking as well. I had gone for a ride on Grant's trail and was the first person at a cross walk waiting for the walk signal. This couple (who I had just passed) came riding up and pulled right in front of me. I was almost at the end of the bike path before the street, but even though they got there after me, this couple decided that they needed to place their bikes right in front of mine. This wouldn't have bothered me much, although it seemed pretty rude by itself. I mean, the rules of the road apply to biking too. I got there first so the line should have formed behind me. The problem - the signal changes to walk and the husband starts riding (their bikes weren't one in front of the other, but were side by side). Wife, who is parked directly in front of me, attempts to start riding, but can't get her bike going. In fact, she has to stop in the middle of the street and try again.

This really pissed me off. I have no problem with beginning bikers. Not that long ago, I consistently had problems starting my bike. No, my problem was that she intentionally placed her bike directly in front of mine, passing me to get to the front, and then couldn't start riding. This is so rude, I don't even know how to explain it. What possessed that couple to think that was a good idea? If you don't know how to start your bike at a light, wouldn't you stay at the back? Why would you hold up other people? Its not like they got there first and just didn't move back, nope, they intentionally passed me.

Its funny, while I enjoy biking more than running most days, I enjoy runners more than bikers. Runners nod hello, are willing to go on training runs with people with less skill, and generally just nicer all the way around. Bikers on the other hand tend to be so focused on what they are doing that they don't notice anyone else. Its just interesting.

BTW - today was national bike to work day. I didn't bike to work because my commute is 25 miles each way over a very very hilly city. It would have taken me the rest of my life to bike to work (partially cause I would have died on the hills long before I got to the city). If it was next month I probably would have ridden in cause my apartment is much much closer to work. Regardless, I found it interesting that I didn't see a single biker on my entire trip in. This is likely because I drive in at the very end of rush hour for work and also because almost my entire commute is on the interstate.

Bicycle, bicyle goes so fast

2007-05-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went for my first bike ride of the year. I had really missed it, and now I know why those weekends spent running felt so painful - I enjoyed this so much more (well, until I realized that setting out on a 30 mile bike ride when I no longer had a biker's butt was not a good idea). I rode 30 miles on the Katy trail. I was actually really worried that I wouldn't be able to do this ride yesterday. As some of you may know, Missouri is dealing with a wee bit of flooding right now. There was talk that the Missouri might be covering highway 94 at Klondike and that would have meant it was covering the trail too. As you can see, the river and tributaries were pretty high. Luckily, the river crested at lower levels than they were predicting and everything I care about stayed dry. The news media keeps comparing this flood to the Flood of '93, but its nothing like it. Even though the river is nearly as high, many of the houses that were in the flood zone back then have been moved,and those last couple feet make a huge difference in damage.

Yesterday was perfect weather on the trail. When I started out it was about 70 degrees and sunny. There wasn't a cloud in the sky all day, and after the days of thunderstorms that was pretty great. For those of you who think of my home state as fly over territory (which I won't argue with), I will say that Missouri is beautiful. It has some of the most gorgeous landscapes in the country. Its not like Kansas - we have hills as well as plains (some people pretend the Ozark hills are mountains but come on people, if you have seen real mountains, you know better). The Katy is an old railroad line so its pretty flat, and it runs along the Missouri river basin so the land around it is pretty flat too. But, there are rolling hills in the distance. In fact, some of the hills are up close and personal and you can see where the railroad cut through the landscape to form the trail.

Around mile 17 or so, this guy passed me in opposite direction and wondered how far I was riding that day. When I told him that I planned to do 30 that day and that I figured that was enough for my first ride of the year, he told me I was gonna be sore tomorrow. I said probably not, other than my butt hurting. Without blinking, he replied that was probably because I was "so athletic." Despite the fact that I ran a half marathon last month and set out for a 30 mile bike ride without a second thought yesterday, I still don't see or think of myself as athletic. If I signed up for match.com again (ummm...unlikely to happen anytime soon btw), I would certainly not check the "athletic and fit" box for body type (I think of myself as "about average"). Anyway, that was such a great compliment for me partially because it was just such an off hand comment for that guy. To him, I look athletic - how cool is that!? Maybe I just have a distorted body image (I think this is very possible). Anyway, that was a big excitement for the day.

I also experienced the biking bonk for the first time. By the time I stopped for
lunch, I had ridden about 20 miles on a half a bagel and some tomatoes. I was starving, I didn't realize how hungry I was until I got off the bike and walked up the hill to order my favorite biking lunch (beer and the best darn grouper sandwich north of Florida). By the time I got to the bar to place my order, I was practically shaking and almost felt like I was going to throw up. I desperately needed to eat. I drank about half the beer and a bottle of water while waiting for my oh so wonderful sandwich. I don't know if the sandwich is really that good, or if I am always that hungry when I eat it. It doesn't matter - either way it is a sandwich that always tastes perfect to me and gives me exactly what I need. I also like the motto of the brewery in question.

By the time I got back to my car, my butt was hurting like no other. I'm beginning to worry about whether it will be able to handle the 70 mile weekend I have planned for the first weekend in June. I'm sure it will be fine as long as I get some miles in between now and then. I was going to ride today, but I decided that my butt needed an extra day off. Tomorrow I have my second Zumba session. I loved the first class, and I figure it can only get better as I figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. I'm getting less than 10 miles in a week running these days, and honestly that feels pretty good. I'm not getting out of shape, but I have time for these other things that I love doing.

Weight: 157.5 (yesterday morning)

P.S. - In case you didn't realize I finally took my camera with me so I could record a little bit of my life to share with you all. Hope you enjoy the pictures:-)

and I just posted about being a feminist

2007-05-11T21:51:00.000-05:00

I sort of debated about whether I should post this. I won't say who I received this email from and I'm kind of mortified that anyone would send this to me. I originally wanted to pretend like it didn't happen, but after I told e about it, she encouraged me to confront him and to tell you all. This decreases my faith in men. This is the email I received (copied word for word) today from a married man who was on law journal with me:

"You looked terrific at the bar ceremony. Did I notice a tan? And your hair was done? very sexy -- you're an impressive woman -- especially in a suit. I'm glad I was wearing loose pants when I watched you walk across the stage -- You have a confident walk, and it accentuates that small, sexy little butt you have.

Since I've been unsuccessful in getting you out for a drink, ;), we'll have to get lunch one of these days when it's warm an sunny outside -- Is it work approrpriate to wear those pants that only go to your calves? that are tight around your hips? ;) and a little sleevless shirt? --- just a suggestion. ;) -- but of course if you go out with me wearing something like this, you'll have to forgive me if I lean my head back once or twice to peek at that small, sexy little butt -- but I promise I won't make a scene, ;)"

In no world would this be an appropriate email to send to a professional acquaintance. Its particularly sleazy because said man is MARRIED. When I first began receiving flirtatious emails from him, I had forgotten this fact (I've never met his wife and he and I weren't good friends in law school). I flirted back, and we went out to lunch a couple times. When I realized he was married, I ditched him on a weekend evening when we were supposed to meet for drinks. I haven't seen or heard from him since then. Even still, I never expected to get such an email from him. I can't attribute this email to a "drunk email" - it was sent at 8:30 this morning.

The feminist in me is mortified that someone would be thinking that as I was handed my license to practice law. How degrading as a woman! I'm not sure what to do? Should I confront him and tell him that this email is not appropriate and that I do not want to talk to him again? Its sad cause I do enjoy his company (on a TOTALLY platonic level), but this is just not acceptable. Even if he wasn't married, this email would not be acceptable. I can't imagine why he thinks that this is something any woman would want to read. Am I wrong?

It just makes me sad...

ok, I'm a feminist

2007-05-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

I don't normally associate myself with the word feminist. Its not that I think that I'm not, its more that I am lucky enough not to need to think about it. I can live the life that I want to live.

Today, as I sat in the Illinois Bar swearing in ceremony, I was reminded of one of my pet peeves - "girly" handshakes. I have nothing against girly handshakes in the proper context. Debutantes are welcome to shake hands with men by just using the tips of their fingers. Women who frequent Renaissance fairs are welcome to use this gesture. I can't really think of any other place that they are appropriate, but I'm sure there are some. Where I find them unacceptable is in any business context. They bother me because they say that women shouldn't be treated the same as men that we are too delicate. They really aggravate me because they are the reason why men often attempt to give me one as well. Women who give the "girly" handshake in business situations cause men not to know how to treat those of us who shake hands like regular people. Watching several women give the girly handshake to an Illinois Supreme Court judge made me angry and embarrassed. Its such a simple gesture that says so much about how we expect to be treated.

On another "feminist" issue, I'm fascinated with people who are mortified that I wouldn't want to take my potential future husband's name. Its not that I'm against women taking their husband's names on principal. Honestly, I don't really care what other people do, but people seem offended that I will probably keep my last name for the rest of my life (don't ask me how this comes up in conversation, I don't really understand that myself). When I was younger, I liked the thought of losing my last name. My last name causes people to make certain assumptions about me - which while perhaps true about my father are not true about me. Its very Jewish, and dad is Jewish, but I'm Catholic. My (ex-nun) mother came at the request of the school and taught my elementary school about Jewish holidays like Hanukkah, and I dread facing a similar request myself. I don't know much more about the Jewish holidays than the average Catholic person. Anyway, not long ago I came to the realization that I will likely have my last name for the rest of my life. I want to keep my name because it means something. I sometimes think that I would be shooting myself in the foot if I took on another name. I'm in a career where networking is especially important. People I met in college and law school will hopefully be people I interact with in the future. I will have to build a client base and keep myself employed. If I shed my last name, I shed all of those connections. People I meet now or don't keep in good touch with will not know this new named person. I'm a professional and no one would expect a professional man to give up his business name because he got married. Now, potentially, I could hyphenate. Hyphenating is not for me. My last name is already nine letters and three syllables long. Adding anything on to that is absurd. Now, what I want to know is who am I hurting by keeping this name forever? When one of my friend married and kept her last name, the minister kept insinuating that this was terrible, that she wasn't respecting her husband, that it foretold bad things for the future of their marriage. Why? I don't understand. Alright, enough feminism for now...

cycling for a cause...

2007-05-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

So, I don't normally link to other people's blogs. I actually read quite a few, but I figure with my audience mostly being six people I knew in college, I really don't have much advertising strength. That being said, one of my favorite blogs is Fat Cyclist. He's very funny and makes me wish I were an endurance cyclist. I feel like I know him, even though he wouldn't have the foggiest idea who I am if we ever met. He seems like a very cool guy, though. Right now, he's going through a rough patch - his wife's cancer has come back and she's in the middle of treatment. He's thinking about creating a pink jersey in her honor. The company that makes the jerseys isn't going make a profit on them, its a good jersey company, and the profits are going to cancer research and his wife's jewelry making hobby. I want one, this is something I really can support, and I just thought I would let you all know that its out there.

wants to be big time

2007-05-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Memphis is weird. As my friend Matt put it, it wants to be a real grown up city, and it tries really really hard, but it just doesn't quite get it right. Take for example, the trolley. What is the point of the trolley? Does it actually function as a public transportation system even though it really doesn't go anyway? Is it really helpful that it travels the length of Main Street? Now, honestly, I shouldn't be criticizing other cities' public transportation systems because I live in St. Louis. In St. Louis, paying for "metrolink" is largely optional. Sometimes a guy gets on the train and makes sure that you have a valid ticket, but oftentimes he does not. Metrolink also doesn't really go anyway (well, it now goes to Clayton, downtown, and the airport) so again, I have no room to speak.

Another aspect of Memphis just not quite being a real city is the sports. I enjoyed my Redbirds game quite a bit, but I was not alone in the stadium in wearing Cardinals paraphernalia. Its a bit odd to be in a city 300 miles away from home and have the baseball fans be St. Louis fans. I love the Cards, but it seems odd. The Redbirds are the Cards' AAA minor league team, so it makes sense, but why not just wear Redbirds gear?

Well, one thing Memphis does right is Bar-B-Q, and I must admit that I partook. mmmmmm...so good, on Texas toast...

Also, I have a love for the Flying Saucer (its one of a chain of restaurants that pretends its not part of a chain) because of its pretzels and beer. Lots and lots of kinds of yummy beers, beer flights, ciders, and did I mention beer. The pretzels were also quite yummy. A trip to Memphis is worth the drive just for the visit to the Bar-B-Q Shop and the Flying Saucer.

As you can tell it was not a good weekend for my weight. Today, I'm trying something new - one of my friends just got licensed to teach Zumba and she is offering an experimental class (to work out the bugs of teaching a class before she agrees to do it at her gym). I'm really looking forward to it.