personal trainer

So tomorrow I have my first session with a new personal trainer. I have to admit that the sessions with the last guy didn't go so well. First of all, he immediately insulted me when after being told I am an attorney, he proceeded to ask me if my job involves "doing the filing." No, asshole, I'm not a secretary with a very expensive degree. I'm not knocking secretaries. I think what they do is very important, but ummm...no, that's not what I do. He then followed this up by telling me that he thought the way I started to run was kind of stupid. If I remember correctly, he told me, "If I want to do something, I just do it." He couldn't understand why anyone would not be able to just be able to run 3 miles. He honestly couldn't relate to me at all. It didn't sit well with me that he couldn't understand where I was coming from. Now, I'm in far better shape now than I once was, but this made me realize that he couldn't remotely relate or understand someone who had once been more than forty pounds overweight. That's not something I need in my life. Plus, what kind of trainer thinks that the appropriate method of training is to just go all out, even if you aren't in the physical condition to do so. That's just courting injury!

So tomorrow is session one with new trainer. I think part of me is hoping I dislike him just as much. In that case, I wouldn't have any problem not signing up for more sessions when my current batch expire. Its expensive, and I have no problem getting myself to do cardio (now weight training is entirely another story). So let's see...

kvetching

Tonight I went to services for Yom Kippur with my mother and grandmother (even though neither my mom nor I am Jewish, but that's a post for another day). Essentially the message tonight was about how we should stop focusing on the negative, stopping complaining, and start seeing all the positive things in our lives. I think this was a pretty good message for me. No more whining about being bored at work, no more complaint really. My life is pretty damn great. I have wonderful friends, a job I genuinely enjoy, and a family (that though occassionally disfunctional) truely loves each other. I really couldn't be more blessed. So, for this week I intend to make a good effort to complain as little as possible. Sometimes I think that Judiasm really gets things right - religious services can sometimes just give me exactly the spiritual thing I am looking for at a given time.

I think that occasionally we all need to hear the "stop bitching now" speech. Its also funny because immediately following the delivery of that message, I got to hear my mom, grandma, great-aunt and second cousin all complain about the Rosh Hashanah services the previous weekend. This following immediately the discussion of how good the message was this week. Amazing...

something good

Yesterday I was at a bar celebrating one of my friend's birthday. Unfortunately, she was working at the bar - she was supposed to be off for the night, but one of her co-worker's children had to be hospitalized. Not a good situation all the way around.

Anyway, my crowd ended up in this little random room with random people. I somehow ended up sitting on a wooden elephant carving talking to a 50 year old guy. In the course of our conversation he asked me to tell him one good thing that had happened to me this week. And you know what, I couldn't do it. I mean, I made up some lame ass shit about my work. But really life had been pretty uneventful/filling me with apathy. I got up, I went to work, I stared at a computer screen all day, I came home, I watched tv, I ate food, I went to bed. That's about it. I did make it to a baseball game - but my team lost.

Today I can actually say that something good happened to me. I went on a long bike ride (about 30 miles) and at about mile 24, a deer came bounding onto the trail in front of me. It was so unexpected and beautiful. I was smiling in wonder for the next several minutes, and it made the ride so special. I guess it just goes to show that special things can happen out of no where when you aren't expecting anything.

boredom

So, my last post was all about how much I love my job, and I do love my job. But, right now I'm a little bored. The nature of what I do is that sometimes there is a ton of work and sometimes there is literally nothing. I went to work this morning thinking I had nothing to do, and I got lucky - my boss had something kinda major she wanted me to do and then an emergency issue came up. Plus my boss is interviewing for a new hire so I got to talk to a bunch of random nervous people. So I shouldn't have been bored, but I am.

I've exhausted most of my methods of entertaining myself at work. I've read all of my friends blogs, I'm updated on my news, and I'm well aware of how my sports teams are doing. I've also managed to listen to a good portion of the music on my ipod. It also should be noted that I am somewhat limited on what I can do on my work computer - because big brother is always watching. I don't want to look at anything (now don't think dirty, for me this also means extremely political/potentially offensive item) that might get me or my boss in trouble. Plus, I'm not allowed to talk on im or check my home email.

Anybody have any suggestions on entertaining myself?

and I thought I had it all figured out

Its funny, ask any of my friends, and they will tell you I have known what I "wanted to be when I grew up" for years. Now, I've done it. I've got what I always wanted. The truth - I love it. I love every minute of my job, I love my boss, I love my co-workers, everything. For the first time, I feel like I am really doing something - not just waiting to do something, and you know what?

I'm scared.

I'm scared because I don't know what I want to do next. I'm scared because I'm headed down a path I'm not sure I want to travel, and I'm scared because I think I know what path I want, but I'm not sure I can get it. I'm afraid that I will take the path of least resistence because its easy, even though it might make me miserable for the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I'm going to get addicted to a lifestyle that may force me to accept a job that makes me miserable.

Like, I said, I love my job. Its a job that makes a difference, but its also a job with a time limit - a couple years and I'm out. I went to a school of overacheivers. We don't just graduate from college and run like lemmings over the cliff that is America's workforce, no we attempt to save the world, and you know what...I know people who are doing it. I want to be one of the people who is doing it - I don't want to slip into suburban life and forget about the rest of the world. I know people who are working for ngos in africa, and people are are teaching inner city children to read. I know people who influencing our government, and I know some people who will be our government. I don't want to get left behind, rotting in the Mid-West.

But aside from saving the world, I want it all. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who shares and supports my dream. Is that too much to ask? So I guess that's the other thing I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I will get everything I want with my career, but in the end it won't matter because I'll be alone. I'm afraid I'm alway going to be on the outside looking in.

Unlike my career goals, this is something I don't know how to attack. I don't have a plan, and I'm not sure a plan would help. Anyway, for the first time, I'm realizing that I don't have anything figured out...