what's the point of having friends that you pay for if...

So, this post is in response to something I read on g-phi Christin's blog www.cristinstickles.com. While I recognize that what was done DePauw is not all that unusual, it just seems pretty horrible to me. I mean, while both the DGs and Phi Mus at my college had a pretty bad reputation and had trouble with recruiting, I can't imagine that this would have been a good idea. The girls who aren't slim and popular need friends too. Quite frankly, they possibly need a sorority more than slim popular girls. I mean, what's the point of having friends that you pay for, if the people who run the organization can come in when you are a senior and tell you that you aren't good enough. I can't imagine how much that would hurt.

I find it very hard to believe that the president of that chapter wasn't "committed" enough to recruitment. No one takes on the responsibility of being president of a sorority chapter unless they are committed to that chapter.

So what if they weren't the most popular girls on campus. So what if they had a hard time with formal rush. So what if they had a reputation for being geeky. They filled a niche on campus. Maybe DePauw doesn't have enough cute, popular girls to fill yet another sorority with blond bimboness.

I'm not ashamed that I was in the sorority at William and Mary with consistently the highest GPA while I was there. In fact, its something I think we all had a right to be proud of. The smart girls can be fun too;-)

So, I forgot to post my weight this morning...

Weight: 157.5 (homescale - at least it came down from the 159.5...even though my eating this past weekend was still not stellar)
Miles: 0 - I was supposed to run 4 today, but I feel like crap, have a migraine, my throat hurts and my ears itch. Today is a day to crawl into bed early and sleep till I have to get up and go to work. I'll run tomorrow.

choo-choo

Yesterday, I took the Illinois bar exam. I won't write much about the actual exam except to say that I'm eternally grateful that it is over, and I hope that it is the last bar exam I ever have to take. I'll find out in about 6 weeks how it went.

The real drama for me was in getting to the exam. I was supposed to take a 7:30 pm flight out of STL on Monday. Unfortunately, the weather in Chicago hadn't been the best for the past couple of days. Sunday, apparently, was just plain awful and almost all of American Airlines' flights into and out of Chicago had been cancelled. So Monday morning, I get to work, not stressing too much at all. I check the American website and find out that the morning flights are running on a delay and that its snowing in Chicago. I begin freaking out just a little. I talk to my coworkers and they convince me that I should leave now (around noon) and go to the airport and try to fly standby on an earlier flight. I get to the airport around 12:30 and get on the standby list for the 2:00 flight. Then that flight is delayed, and delayed again, and delayed again. Finally they start loading the plane at 4ish. By 4:30 the plane had all of its original passengers and they were letting on the standby people. I didn't get on, but then they close the door. I go up there to ask if they will transfer my name to the new standby list for the next flight, and the guy says that they aren't done with this flight yet. They just aren't letting anyone else on the plane because...wait for it...O'HARE IS CLOSED and they don't know when they are going to be able to take this plane out.

At this point, I freak out for real. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I have to get to Chicago, and I'm convinced that if O'Hare is closed (which it later turned out that wasn't true) that there is no way my 7:30 flight is going. So, I do want any logical person would do...I haul my butt down to Amtrak. I speed down I-70 attempting to make what I thought was the 5 pm Amtrak train. I get there with plenty of time to spare as the train is actually a 5:30 train. I get on the train and proceed to call my parents, my brother, one of my coworkers, etc. and describe my past couple of hours and tell them all I am now on the train. Then I do a little studying and attempt to take a nap on my bags.

Sometime after my nap, while I am avoiding the giant BAR/BRI book I brought with me, this guy starts talking to me. He's pretty cute so I talk back. Anyway, we end up having a great conversation. Turns out that he is an actor working in the Lou who moved here after 8 years in LA. He's very interesting and ummm...hot. So, he's supposed to be working on this monologue for his audition in Chicago (the reason for his train trip). Eventually he invites me to come sit by him and lets me listen to the music on his computer. It was pretty cool. He played me his original stuff and then some other random music that I didn't really know. This really helped cause I had accidentally left my iPod at work and had no fun reading material (just the study materials). Anyway, as its getting late he invites me to nap on his shoulder - it was very cute. Cuddling up with a random boy on the train totally made my night and helped me relax after the freak out at the airport. I gave him my number before we got off the train, but I honestly never expected to hear from him again. I was pretty happy to wake up this morning to find a text message from him - telling me that he hoped my test went well. Who knew you could meet someone pretty cool on Amtrak?!

self-sabotage

So, I think I have a bit of an issue with self-sabotage. First off, whenever I start to feel really good about the way I look and am feeling fit, I start eating like a crazy person. After two weeks of not writing down what I've been eating and generally eating badly (at home...I'm still good at work). Usually I haven't had more than 700 calories when I get home at night and then all hell breaks loose. And its not that I'm starving myself during the day and that's what causes the night time eating...I eat like a crazy person for entire weekends if I'm sitting at home. Now, part of this is that I am actually stressing a bit about the bar exam that I'm taking on Tuesday. Outwardly, I look like I'm unconcerned, but honestly, I haven't studied nearly enough (not like I did for Missouri) and I feel totally unprepared. I know I am an emotional eater so this isn't helping the situation any. Regardless, I shouldn't be eating like a crazy person. Its not that I don't have healthy food available. My fridge is stocked with yummy apples (mmmm...Pacific Rose), ripe grapes, clementines, and even pears. I've got nice wholesome things like frozen brocolli and whole wheat pasta. And yet, I've also allowed myself to buy stupid things lately. I've bought a small pint of Ben & Jerry's frozen yogurt, ingredients to bake a chocolate cake for valentines day (I baked it, things didn't work as planned...and I ate too much half baked chocolate cake), chocolate covered strawberries, and even mac and cheese. I even made homemade cookie dough. What is WRONG with me. I was doing really well with my diet. I looked really good in my clothes. The "fat face" was diminishing - I actually looked thin. And now, two weeks later - its like I'm back where I started. My fitness level is better cause I haven't sabotaged the running, but I'm so frustrated with myself and my eating. Why can't I do this? Why do I buy those things? Why can't I eat like a normal 26 year old?

On the dating front I think I also self sabotage. Part of it is that I can't seem to get excited about nice guys. I think I'm attracted to the wrong people. Plus, I don't know what I want. Of course, I think I want certain things, but do I really? I met up with the boy I mentioned below tonight for our "exchange of stuff," and I know he wanted an explanation of why, but honestly I don't a why. I just didn't feel it, and part of that is that I don't know what "it" is. Yes, I've been in love before, but I don't know why I feel for those guys...what the spark was that made me want to be with them. Hopefully that spark will find me again, but I think now realize that I can't make that spark appear if it isn't there to begin with. Am I right?

Weight: 159.5 (gahhhhh!!!)
Miles: 2 (20:00 - what's impressive about this is that the second mile was actually run in 9 minutes...I was very happy with myself - so there Presidential Physical Fitness test ;-))

curly

So here's that photo I promised you...

coming to accept my singleness

So, I recently broke up with a boy. There really was nothing "wrong" with this boy. He is nice, and not ugly, and not stupid, and not bad in bed. The problem was that he is nice and not ugly and not stupid and not bad in bed, but also not extraordinary in any real way that I could tell. I'm coming to realize that I expect something more than ordinary in someone I want to spend some real time with. Unless someone brings something to the table that challenges me/makes me happier/makes me a better person, I'm not really interested any more. I have plenty of great friends to spend my time with, and honestly, I don't mind being alone. I enjoy my own company (man doesn't this sounds like I'm full of myself).

None of this is to say that guys may not find me completely ordinary if I don't show them what is so special about me. I'm sure there is something extraordinary about that guy I just ended my relationship with, but I gave him a month and he still hadn't shown me what it was by that time. After a month of still feeling "eh," it was time to move on. The main reason I had stuck things out so long was that he was so "nice," but lately he hadn't even been fitting that description quite so well. He essentially nominated me to make Valentine's day dinner and then utterly failed to carry his end of the meal (couldn't bring side dishes, couldn't pick out wine on his own, and then showed up with an alright bottle of Chardonnay...that was warm). Also, he displayed a complete lack of interest in something that means a great deal to me, didn't ask a single question about it, and asked why I was even mentioning such a thing when he thought we were headed to bed. I think this last thing sealed his doom...

Anyway, as a result, I'm no longer looking for a while. I don't need a guy to feel great about myself and my life. I'm quite happy alone or hanging out with friends. So, if I mean someone great, wonderful. If I keep hanging out with friends and enjoying the company of others, but not a particular romantic interest, so be it. I'm done feeling bad about being single.

Miles run: 7 (and it felt GREAT - YAY 50 degree temps!!)
Weight: 158 (last time I checked, but who knows really - its been days since I last stepped on a scale and I've had a couple of very bad days of binging. That stops tonight, tomorrow I'm back on track!)

Who cares about Anna Nicole Smith?

I've got to admit that this one has been bugging me since Friday when I had my great run. I didn't want to bitch about it then because it had no place in that blog post, but honestly, why is this the lead story on CNN? I mean, ok, she died. Ok, she had a case before the Supreme Court. Ok, her baby daddy might be Howard Stern. Why am I supposed to care? Seems like she's just one more trashy girl who could have gone on Montel with like 8 men getting paternity tests and that Montel would have to come out and tell her, I'm sorry but none of these men are your baby daddy.

Honestly, is this how celebrity obsessed our society has become? People are dying in Iraq, Barack Obama announces that he is running for President, and the lead story is Anna Nicole...really? I haven't been following the story, but every time I flip through a news channel, there it is, another scandal being talked about regarding her death. Personally, I think its a sad event for her family and the people who cared about her, especially that little baby, but its not something our society should care about. I can't believe I'm really contributing to this - but I had to voice my disapproval. Like OJ confession book, this is a news story I intend to boycott.

Weight: 156 (homescale)
Miles: 6 (outside - wooo for the first time in 2 weeks, thank god for our brief warm up!) This is the week that my millage is going to start ramping up - next week's long run is 7 miles (one mile shorter than the longest run I've ever done)

curly girl

Within the past three years, I've gone from being somebody who had very short hair to somebody with semi-long hair. I'm still working on growing it out, but I was beginning to not know how to deal with it. Something that I've been fighting since I was about 13 is the "wave" in my hair. Its not "curly" per se...there are very few cute ringlets that I admire in other people's hair (like my friend kk's), but it really isn't straight. Unless I pull out a straightener I end up having ends that look a bit fried. In fact, recently my hair was starting to look very damaged. I had been showering and blowing dry every day, and I didn't know what to do to fix it. No matter how much conditioner I used or how much shine serum, it still looked, well burnt. This had been happening for quite some time before the horrible hair dyeing incident (which I still don't like, but I'm coming to accept as alright).

So, last week, I didn't blow dry my hair one day and then I went in to work the next morning. One of my co-workers (with beautiful ringlet type curls) was suprised by the wave in my hair and asked me if it was natural or whether I had curled it. I told her a little about my natural hair issues, and she told me about the "curly girl" philosophy for curly hair and suggested I visit her salon for a "curl consultation." I felt silly, but I made the appointment. I've always wanted to wear my hair curly, but never felt like it looked good that way. Now, I have found a way that actually works. Its a bit of a weird system, but I think I can get used to it. Here's the deal:

I'm only supposed to wash my hair with shampoo once a week, and then its ONLY my scalp. When I shampoo, I'm supposed to coat the ends of my hair with conditioner. Then, I condition my hair all over and rinse out. Finally, I add more conditioner and just squeeze out the extra water. The conditioner doesn't go on my scalp. Then I dry my hair by twisting out some of the water and then scrunching with a t-shirt or something. Then I apply massive amounts of gel and then I'm not allowed to touch it again until its completely dry. While using a diffuser is ok, its not recommended - just straight up air drying is preferred. Anyway, I've been doing it for a couple of days now, and I've got to admit my curls have never looked better. I actually look like I have curly hair. Also, reading the "curly girl" book has really helped with my hair esteem. I had always been one of those women who didn't let her hair be curly cause I thought it made me look messy/sloppy/unprofessional, but I always admired curly hair on other people (go figure). I think part of it was that I had never met anyone at a salon who knew how to deal with my hair type, and now I do. Its really cool. I'll try to post a pic of the new curly do when I get a chance (I'm not good at the self-shots).

Weight: 156.2 (official ww weigh-in - whoo down .6! even with the superbowl)
No running today (weekly day off - but I might get some cross-training in because I had a rest day on Thursday)

I run for life

Today it all clicked. For the first time since I started running again last fall (after about six months of not running more than a mile without walking), I got that runner's high, that feeling that you could run forever and that it would never hurt, that feeling that I am so powerful, that feeling that sends tingles up your spine and makes the hair on your arms stand up. Part of it was that I was well rested and part of it was listening to this song (repeatedly after I got that wonderful feeling the first time). My training called for a three mile run today, but no way was I stopping after only three miles.

Something about hearing Melissa Etheridge's voice blaring: "She'll tell you it makes her complete. I run for hope. I run to feel. I run for the truth, for all that is real. I run for your mother, your sister, your daughter, your wife. I run for you and me, my friend. I run for life" reminds me of why I am doing this and how life changing it has been for me. True, I don't run because of cancer, but I run because of something almost as insidious - facing my own prospects of an early death due to obesity. I also do run for all those things. Running has become for me an outward manifestation of all my hopes and dreams, of the impossible I can achieve. I was that girl in your elementary school class who couldn't run the mile for the presidential physical fitness exam. It was annual embarrassment that just made me feel emotionally terrible about myself and physically in an immense amount of pain. Its the only thing I can remember cheating at as an elementary school child - one of my friends once counted me as going an extra lap around the track. She probably saved me from being the last person to finish that day.

I was convinced then that I just couldn't run. I was convinced that my body just wasn't meant to do this, that I never could, that it was impossible for me to run a sub-ten minute mile. And now, now I know its not. For me, training for this half-marathon is my hope for a future that's brighter than I see when I look at my parents. I don't want to have had both of my knees replaced before I am sixty after 10 years of incredible pain. I don't want to be so overweight I'm convinced I can never even be close to a healthy weight. I don't want to be on daily medications for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Its future I refuse to accept and running, running brings me hope and faith that its a future I don't have to accept.

I am running for more. Today, while I was running I pictured the Komen St. Louis Race for the Cure - as of last June it was the largest Race for the Cure in the Country. How powerful is that image: http://stltoday.mycapture.com/mycapture/enlarge.asp?userphoto=0&image=12718952&thispage=1
I'm gonna be a part of it this year (ummm...assuming that our float trip isn't the same day like it was last year...hehe, a girl's gotta have priorities ;-) )

Anyway, today felt great, and I refuse to be upset about my weight gain this week. My skinny clothes fit so really the scale is a bit irrelevant. Yes, I would like to weigh something that would make my bmi be in the "healthy" range, but I'll accept being able to zip my size 6 ann taylor pants (they still don't fit to the point where I would wear them out, but they zip without catching!)

Weight: 158 (home scale)
Miles: 5 (53:31)

I'm not an addict, its cool...

So, yesterday I learned a few things about myself. First, I am an addict, a caffeine addict. I thought I had kicked this habit quite some time ago when I first gave up soda, but yesterday proved me wrong. About a year ago, I reintroduced caffeine into my diet, and since I've been working, I've had a cup of coffee to start my day every morning. Yesterday, I skipped the coffee because we were out of creamer and splenda. I figured I would be ok without it. Man was I wrong. By about 2:30 the headache had set in. All I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and sleep for like 3 days. I knew immediately that my old caffeine addiction was back, so I hurried downstairs and purchased myself some diet pepsi (yay 2 cans for $1). I downed them almost immediately (didn't really take a break between cans) and then waited for the caffeine addicts bliss to kick in. Within an hour I was feeling almost human again. I've learned my lesson, do not fight the caffeine unless you are willing to wage a true battle. Yesterday was not the day for that fight - perhaps some day when I don't need to run four miles and meet up with a boy later.

I also realized that working out gives me a ton of physical self confidence. While my weight has moved in the wrong direction this week (I warned you that my superbowl gluttony would haunt me - who understand why my metabolism is soooo bad), I don't feel bad about myself or that I look "fat." Instead, I feel like a lean mean running machine. I haven't stuck to my minimum points since Sunday, but I haven't had any more days where I used more than 5 flex points so I'm also generally eating well. Its wonderful to feel good about my body image even when I'm not satisfied about my weight.

The third thing I realized is that I can't keep up the personal training and the running. Tuesday night I had another session (my last one that I had previously paid for) and he had me do squats and lunges and single leg stuff. So, yesterday on the treadmill, my legs felt like lead. I didn't think I could run the full four miles. After one mile, I promised myself that if I finished 2 I could stop. Then when I got to 2, I promised that when I got to 3 I could walk the last mile. When I got to 3, I tried walking fast, but it turned out that jogging slow actually hurt my butt less. So, I finished what was supposed to have been my speed workout at my slowest pace in a really long time (ug...4 miles in 46:02), but at least I finished. No more randomly working out my butt on one of my two non-running days. At least not until the half-marathon is over. Part of this is that I actually really like my legs/butt anyway, so I don't really feel the need to make them hurt without running.

Anyway,

Weight (158 - yeah sucks)
Miles:4 (46:02 yesterday), 2 miles to run today

gluttony

So, one thing I can say about the Superbowl...it inspires complete gluttony in me. Something about the sitting around watching football with friends while massive quanities of food sit out on a nearby table just makes me eat, and eat, and eat. All in all, I didn't do that badly tonight. Part of it was that I did an hour on the treadmill today (yay 5 mile run - booo being on the treadmill) so I had some extra calories to burn and part of it was that I limited myself to diet pepsi instead of beer.

My real downfall...one of my friends made chocolate fondue. She had available: marshmellows, strawberries, graham crackers, cookies....mmmmmm. Plus, they had these yummy chedder pretzel things. So, I used 12 flex points in addition to the 8 activity points that my hour long run had earned me. That means I ate about 2,000 calories or so today - not too bad, by not particularly good. I'm actually kind of pleased with myself because I ate a lot, but I didn't eat until I was sick. My tummy feels full and happy - not like I need to vomit. This is a big deal for me. I tend to lose complete control in situations like this. Anyway, I anticipate that my weight will be up slightly tomorrow, but honestly if you can't be bad every once in a while, this just isn't worth it.

Weight: 155 (home scale)
Official weight for the week: 156.8 (weight watchers yesterday)
Miles: 5 (54:10 plus 6 minutes of walking to cool down)

folk fest...

So last night I went to the St. Louis Folk Festival. It was quite a diverse crowd. There were a lot of crunchy granola types there, but then there were people like me (semi-professional types, still wearing their work clothes), then there were the 55 year olds who remembered the good old days, and finally the families. The concert itself was pretty awesome. The three bands played for over three hours. I went to the concert because this band that iTunes had introduced me to was playing. They were the third band, and while I really enjoyed the performance, I thought that one of the band members was a little flat on his solo portions of the songs. I did get to hear two of my favorite songs by the band, though (even though they didn't do my absolute favorite song).

The other thing that was interesting about the concert was that it was in conjunction with conference on domestic violence being held at my law school today. I had no idea...and in some ways it got to be a big much. Every one of the bands kept talking about it. I sort of wondered if I was the only person who didn't know ahead of time that was such a huge part of the concert. It didn't really make a difference, but it did influence which songs they were playing.

Weight: 157 (home scale...wtf...the day of my weigh in!)
Miles (yesterday): 2 (21:15)
No miles for today

Solving the great shin splint delimma

So, I think I have found the shin splint culprit. Until recently, I had never logged very many miles at a time on a treadmill. About all I can take is 30 minutes at a time, but recently I've been on the treadmill almost every day. Temperatures here have hovered somewhere between 10 and 25 degrees. Its simply too cold to go for a run outside (although I did my 5 last Sunday in 19 degree temps while decked out in two layers of tights and a full gator covering my face). Anyway, I had been running on the treadmill with no incline. I think this is sort of like running downhill for miles. Downhill = bad for shin splints. So for the last few runs, I've added an incline. Its made the runs more difficult, but I'm not shin pain free. This is very good. Additionally, I've doing a lot more stretching of my right calf (the one behind the shin that kept hurting). I was pretty excited when I didn't experience any pain during my four mile treadmill run today.

The other good thing - I'm beginning to not hate the treadmill quite so much. I felt so great when I finished my miles today. I was full of energy and although I was tired, my body just felt better. The quite so slowly anymore as I stare at the clock ticking by. Instead, I keep my occupied by changing the speed of the treadmill every tenth of a mile or so. A tenth of a mile passes quickly and that's a lot easier to face than the long stretch of 4 miles. Still, I really really hope it get warmer around here before I need to do an eight mile long run.

Miles Run: 4 (43:15) (I did my four miles today because all I could muster yesterday was 2)
Weight: 155 (home scale)