The park again

Today I ran with a friend. It was my first scheduled "training run" for the half marathon. I forgot how hard hills are, especially the hill at the end of my street. I'm sore and tired and it feels fantastic.

The required run was actually 3, but we ended up doing something more like 3.6 or 3.8 cause well, I needed a pee in the middle. When your bladder calls during a run, not much to do other than be in pain or find a bathroom. I chose bathroom.

Today was also weird because of the weather. The temps here were in the upper 70s today - it was downright strange. It was super humid too. Everything was sticky and the sweat didn't have anywhere to go. The bathroom at the visitor's center was so humid that the metal part of the toilet was wet with condensation.

Miles: 3.4+ (google maps guestimate - tomorrow I'm calibrating a Nike+Ipod sensor - yay!)
Weight: 168.6

Come on baby light my fire

I've never run any significant distance at this weight before. Last year when I was training for the half marathon I maintained a weight that was generally just shy of 160 pounds. I wasn't pleased to be running at that weight at the time, but accepted that was where I was at. It didn't really make thing too difficult - all my running tights still fit, my shirts, etc. This year, I'm 10 pounds heavier and now I've got some added complications-

Friction. Last night when I started running on the treadmill in some loose fitting workout pants (not tights)...I noticed the sound of my thighs rubbing together. Honestly, I was actually a bit concerned - there seemed to be enough friction going on for me to light a fire. Although I can say that it didn't end up altering the run, it wasn't entirely the most comfortable thing. I'm thinking it might be a good thing if I can lose some weight before the long runs kick in.

Weight: 169.6
Miles: (last night) 2.6

on again

I dislike New Year's Resolutions, in part, because of their reputation. New Year's Resolutions mean trying to change for a couple weeks and then forgetting about it when life intervenes. That's why, while I'm making some changes, I refuse to refer to them as resolutions.

First, I've given up soda. As of my return from Chicago for Christmas, I haven't had a single drop of soda. I'm still addicted to carbonation so I'm back to carbonated water (go through about a twelve pack of cans in 4 days). This is because I've noticed a pattern: I gain weight or have more difficulty losing weight when I'm drinking soda (diet soda, sugar soda, it doesn't matter). I don't know if that's corralation or causation, but regardless, I'm not drinking soda. I do best on a water/carbonated water/coffee routine (note that I'm not giving up caffeine - coffee and tea are still acceptible).

Second, I'm training for a half-marathon again. I know that by the end of my training last year, I was sick of it and couldn't wait to not have training runs on my schedule anymore. For that reason, I'm not signing up for the race yet. I've got the training runs in my calendar and a training partner all lined up. If the end of March comes around, and I don't want to spend my Sundays hitting the trails in Forest Park, I won't. But, I think I will want to. I enjoyed the actual race immensely, and I love having a committment to myself to be running. It gives me an excuse for being obsessive about my exercise.

Third, I signed up for weight watchers online, and I'm going to lose the weight that I've gained since the broken arm (and hopefully a bit more). I know that as the training ramps up this is going to get more difficult, but I also know that I have to do this. My weight will only keep going up if I don't do something about it and I don't want to be the round thing I was when I graduated college ever again. Hopefully, in the next couple of months (while training is still relatively light), I can lose the 10 pounds that are currently making me feel bad about myself.

Finally, I'm posting my stats here again even though they embarrass me. I've become depressed about my lazy girl on the couch weight gain (or broken elbow weight gain) and I know I can't really hide it from the world anyway since you can see it on my face and in my waist. So:

Weight: 171 (ug, how did it get this bad!?!)
Training: Running 30 minutes (about 2.5 miles) with a 4 minute walking cooldown afterward

In Memoriam - Karen Flaschar

Throughout my life, music has always given me "the tingles" down my spine. It makes me feel the power of something greater than an individual, and no song has done that more frequently and consistently than this one. Flasch, this will always be your song in my mind. Today, for the last time, your choir, years and years of students, came together to sing it one more time. You've changed so many lives, and you will be missed.

The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord lift his countenance upon you and give you peace. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord be gracious, gracious unto you.

Sometimes standing in someone's shadow isn't a bad thing

As a teenager, all I wanted to do was escape from my brother's shadow. To this day, whenever I run into someone who I went to high school with that is a few years older than me, I always ask if they knew my brother. And, they always do. My brother was cool; he was smart; he was popular. Teachers loved him (or hated him, but either way they remembered him); he was on the pep squad; he threw keg parties every Friday night; he got in to Princeton; his friends were beautiful; . It was a big shadow.

I somehow managed to be as close to the opposite as him as was possible without being a dumbass. Instead of sports, I was into the arts. Instead of hanging with the cool kids, I got cozy with the Goths. I blended into the crowd. I excelled at the things I was good at and ignored everything else.

Since then, I've moved on quite a bit. Somehow in the intervening years, my brother and I have become more and more similar. Similar patterns through college and law school (although at very different schools for both). Along the way, I've consistently turned to him for advice. He's helped with choosing where to study abroad, taking the LSAT, studying for law school exams, interviewing for summer associate positions, applying for clerkships, and now he's helping me with my post-clerkship job search. Through all of this, his advice has been invaluable. He gave me 1L outlines to teach me to outline and looked over my resume.

Last week he discovered that he had made partner at the law firm he's been working at. Its fantastic news, and we are all very excited. I'm just about to start my legal career and he is settling into his. I've become envious of the life (particularly the family) that he has, and I've come to realize that its pretty great to have someone breaking the trail in front of you, even if that sometimes means standing in their shadow.

Mary Poppins

On the subject of television, we recently DVRed Mary Poppins, and last night I watched a good portion of it. I had forgotten how lovely this movie really is. As a child, I was an obsessive movie watcher. My three main movies (pretty much every weekend) were The Parent Trap (original Haley Mills version), Swiss Family Robinson, and The Sound of Music. Occasionally, I would throw in Babes in Toyland or Alice in Wonderland (both of those movies totally freaked me out - and to this day I'm not entirely sure why). On even rarer occasions I would watch Mary Poppins (I think this movie got lost for a while and that might explain why it didn't make it into the regular rotation).

There is nothing like the sound of Julie Andrew's voice to bring me back to childhood though. Like her character in Mary Poppins, to me she seemed to be "practically perfect in every way." Just listening to her speak makes me smile (while I'm typing this, I'm thinking how amazing it is that I've never seen the Princess Diaries movies). I think Julie Andrew's voice is what made me want to sing. No one has quite the same lilt or diction. But Julie's voice alone isn't what makes her so special in the movie. Its her facial expressions and timing and the combination with Dick Van Dyke. I had forgotten how magical the whole movie is. I think I'm going to have to buy it for my niece and nephew.

Television

My addiction to television over the past couple of years has rapidly grown. My first year of law school, my home was a complete telecommunications desert. I didn't have a phone line or cable or internet (thank god for the Panera a block away with free Wi-Fi). I spent the majority of my time at my boyfriend's apartment so this wasn't so terrible. The lack of basic entertainment items didn't really alter my perception of that apartment much as it was a complete roach infested sink hole - so nothing could make it seem much worse.

For my second two years of law school, I sucked it up and paid for high speed internet, but refused to pay for cable. I accepted life with bad rabbit ears and only 4 stations at any given time (I could get either Fox or ABC, but not both). I learned to love the wonders of Antiques Roadshow, This Old House, and the News Hour with Jim Lehrer because PBS was the station that came in the strongest. I hardly ever thought about the fact that I was missing cultural phenomenon like The Hills or Project Runway. I was content with my Netflix subscription and my PBS.

Last year, I moved into a house that already had cable, and I quickly resumed old habits from college - watching reruns of Charmed in the morning as I ate my breakfast, making it home on Wednesday nights for whatever show was currently competing for attention on Bravo. I got to know the Girls Next Door (and I was embarrassed by our relationship). I knew I could watch Law and Order at practically any time of day or night.

Still, this was not enough for me. A couple months ago. My roommate and I got a DVR. This wonderful device has changed my tv watching experience. No longer do I even consider the television schedule when making plans. Most evenings after work, I come home to the comfort of that day's rerun episode of Gilmore Girls. I don't have to wait for commercials.

And now, because my cable bundle was expiring, I just upgraded. My father had taught me well - whenever you get the higher bill, you call the cable company, tell them that you see that your deal has expired and ask what they can offer you now. Normally, my dad doesn't get the help he wants until he gets transferred to the disconnect people who will do whatever they can to keep your patronage. Today, with a half an hour of my time, I managed to secure myself a new deal. For approximately $8 more than I was previously paying, I have a new deal - faster internet and HBO. The price tag for cable keeps going up, but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm just getting myself in deeper and deeper. Its scary where an addiction will lead you...

I've been thinking...

Lately a number of blog posts have been floating around in my head. Unlike some of the posts that have been written and deleted, there was nothing wrong with the posts floating in my head. They weren't offensive. I didn't feel like I had to censor myself. No, I just never got around to actually writing them down. My mind has had time to think about things, but the thoughts never quite crystallized and my hands didn't fly over the keys.

I was going to write about the book Eat, Pray, Love, but I just read somebody else's blog post on the subject, and I'm not sure I have much to add. I was listening to commentary during On Point on NPR recently, and the book also came up there. I was surprised that the commentators hadn't read it. (I know I just said I wasn't going to add anything, but now I think I have to add my two cents). I enjoyed the book. It made me examine my own belief systems, the value of my life, where I'm headed and where I want to be headed. It made me think. But, I didn't love it.

The first two sections of the book are very strong. While I don't share much of a common experience with Ms. Gilbert, I empathized with her. I was jealous of her travels in Italy and was intrigued by her spiritual voyage in India. I wished I felt I had the ability to take a year off for self discovery. I wished I could spend days and weeks glutinously devouring food and thought and feel good about myself. Still, I did not find her time in Indonesia to be as compelling. She seemed to boring and normal in Indonesia. While she attempted to portray herself as something more than the average tourist or ex pat in Indonesia, I didn't quite believe this portrayal. She calls her Indonesian stay the "balance" portion of her trip, but I had difficulty seeing how it had anything to do with balance. Maybe I just didn't understand it, but that seemed to be the weakest part of the book.

I wonder if part of my disconnect was also a wonder about Ms. Gilbert. How did she become the person her book portrays? What was so broken about her marriage? Why did she leave that marriage to be with a man who did not have the emotional ability to make her happy? Has she actually dealt with her problems, or is she merely masking them in a cloud of self love? While these questions are ultimately irrelevant in my enjoyment of the book, they remain in my thoughts. I read the book on the recommendation of a friend. He had talked to me a bit about my depression and my lapsed faith and felt it could be good for me. While I think that some of the messages of the book did speak to me, I do wonder if perhaps he and others believe that we should regard Ms. Gilbert as a model. Based upon what I know of her, I'm not convinced that she would make a good model for me.

Anyway - that's a random smattering of thought on something I really know nothing about. I'm not a book critic - I just a girl who reads a lot.

traveling

I'm not a good traveler. This isn't really news; I've never been a good traveler. Flying makes me feel sick. I get nervous that I'm going to miss my plane, but if I get there too early I get bored from waiting too long in the airport. I don't like airport food, but I always eat way too many calories anyway (stupid Swedish fish).

Anyway, last weekend I flew to DC for a baby shower and to visit a law school friend. The flying was actually remarkable good. I had direct flights at good times. I dressed well - wasn't too hot or too cold on the plane. I wasn't seated next to someone who smelled like a bar (ug, my last trip involved this at 8 am and even though I wasn't the one who was hungover, I wanted to throw up).

The interesting moment this time actually came on my way back to my apartment - riding the metrolink. The airport here is an endpoint for our public transit system, so it waits a while on the tracks at the airport. As I'm sitting there reading my book, I notice this guy. He gets on the train, sets down two large bags, and leaves. Doesn't just move a couple seats from his bags, doesn't go to talk to somebody, doesn't go help someone else get their stuff on the train. Just, leaves. No one else seems to notice.

This is when I discover that if someone wanted to have a terrorist attack near me (or apparently those other people as well), they could easily do it. Even though I am well aware of the signs in the train that say, "please notify personnel if you see bags left unattended" especially at the airport where they are saying that every five minutes, I didn't report those bags. I didn't want to cause any trouble. Instead, what I did was calmly get up and move to the other end of the train. I decided that if the guy didn't come back before the train left the station, I would press the help button. Luckily a few minutes later, the guy did come back and sit with his stuff so my freaking out a little bit was for nothing. Still - part of me worries - what if he had intended to blow up the train. Certainly no one would have done anything.

doll

So, this story isn't really mine to tell, but I felt the need to share.

One of my friends works at a major national law firm. She's a second year associate. A few days ago, a client she worked with was at the firm finalizing a settlement. She wanted to say hi and mentioned it to a junior partner. Right at that time, the client (a 35ish year old man) came out of the office, saw my friend, and said, "hey doll." So didn't really know how to respond to that, but justsort of smiled and said hi.

Later, in passing, she mentioned it to the junior partner in a non-complaining type way, but still making it clear that she didn't know what was up with that. He had noticed the "doll" comment, but told her he thought she had "that kind of a relationship with the client." He thought she had encouraged that kind of familiarity.

What's up with that. I mean, from an older client that might not be quite so weird, but from a young guy? How could he think it was okay to call his lawyer "doll?"

Its a bad year for boots

I had a sad experience at nordstroms last night. As some of you may know, the half yearly sale started yesterday. I love the half yearly sale - its a great way to get good shoes and clothes at reduced prices, all with nordstroms service. Plus, nordstroms has a fantastic collection of shoes. But, this year it left something to be desired.

I went to the store last night with a specific goal in mind. I'm over pointy toed boots. I have big feet and pointed toed things just make big feet look bigger. Specifically, what I wanted was a nice pair of rounded toe (or square toe if cute) black ankle/mid calf boots with a moderate and attractive heel. Something that looks good under pants, and isn't too uncomfortable. I found nothing.

The pickings were slim on the not knee high boots, and man, they were all either pointy toed or really ugly. After finding absolutely nothing in the sale section, I ventured into the rest of the shoe department, but my luck was little better. I did find one acceptable pair, but I'm tough on shoes. I tend to get the heel caught in sidewalk cracks so I'm much better off with a stacked heel than with a leather covered heel. The one pair I found that I didn't love, but might well buy, have a leather covered heel. Why is shoe shopping so difficult.

(oh and I am totally against flat boots - they make me look short and fat and I'm not ok with that).

3 for Friday

Friday night was eventful...and I have three unrelated things to report so here we go:
L fucking L

On Friday night we were supposed to go to this new wine bar. When we got to the wine bar, we discovered that there was a two hour wait to be seated. There was no way that anyone I was with would be willing to wait for two hours for food and wine (at 7:30 at night) so we left. We agreed to go to another bar that was "just down the street": Llywellyn's - but I didn't know how to spell it at the time. Now, none of us knew how to get there, but we had a general idea. After driving for a little bit and being completely unable to find it, I decided to call 411. The conversation went something like this:

411 woman: What city and state please?
Me: Webster Groves, Missouri
411: What city and state?
Me: WEBSTER GROVES, MISSOURI
411: I'm sorry, what city and state?
Me: WEBSTER GROVES, MISSOURI!!
411: Alright, thanks, how can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I'd like the address for a restaurant called Llywellyn's. Its L L something...
411: What kind of a restaurant is it?
Me: Um, a bar restaurant?
Car load of Girls: ITS A BAR!!
Me: Um, its a Welsh pub.
411: How do you spell that?
Me: UM... L L...um
Car load of girls: L fucking L!!
Me: L L E...um, I don't know
Car load of girls: L fucking L! How many restaurants start with L fucking L?
411: Can you tell me what street it is on?
Me: No,if I knew what street it is on, I wouldn't be calling you.
411: um...Right
Me: I'm sorry, you're not really helping me. I'm gonna hang up now.

Random Meeting

I haven't seen my ex, the last guy I was in love with, for over two years. I haven't spoken to him or called him or emailed him. The closest I've come to having contact with him was having one of my co-clerks tell me she had judged a law school competition with him and thought he was cute and that I should date him (she had NO idea that we had a history) and my other co-clerk dealing with him on an appointed case and her finding out that he was engaged. I almost never think of him.

On friday, I walked into the bar and suddenly there he was, coming over to say "hi." It was awkward and weird. I'm glad he came over cause ignoring each other would have been terrible, but it just made me feel off all night long. So strange too. When I asked him what was new with him, he didn't tell me he was married, even though he was clearly there with his new wife. The one thing this drove home to me was that it is really time to remove his name from my cell phone. I hadn't even realized he was still the phone book until I was scrolling through later that night...Its time to let go of that one.

A diagnosis
Finally, I have some explanation for what is going on with my arm, and it came from an odd source. This weekend one of my roommates best friends visited us from Chicago. I hadn't previously realized it, but it turns out she is an occupational therapist with a specialization in hands, wrists, and elbows. When she heard my problem as we sat in that bar on Friday night, she couldn't help but ask, "do you mind if i take a look at it?" I couldn't have minded less and was excited to hear what she had to say.

Finally, someone explained in terms that I could understand what is holding me back. It seems that my doctor telling me that "you're really tight" actually has a logical meaning. The thing that connects my bones together in my arm is super tight, tighter than it is supposed to be, and that's a big part of what is keeping me from getting my supination back. Apparently, the bones need some room to move in order to be able to turn properly. Talking to Rose made me feel so much better about the future of my elbow.

dining out

In an effort to move on from my recent funk, I'm going to write about the other thing that is mildly interesting in my life. I dine out a lot - at least 3 days a week. I've been to the vast majority of "fine" dining restaurants in St. Louis (well, except Tony's, but honestly, I hear its not worth the hype).

Anyway, on Monday night I tried a place that's relatively new for the first time - Sage. I think my expectations were overly high because one of my top five ever restaurant experiences was at a different restaurant named after an herb
(Thyme in Chicago). Sage a nice little restaurant, located across the street from the AB brewery in Soulard. The atmosphere is relatively nice, although its a little too bright for in there for me and I can't really agree with the decision to have a TV in the dining room of a restaurant that charges $20 an entree. Its not like they don't have a separate bar area. The nicest element of the decor/atmosphere, in my opinion, is the stonework. It makes it very earthy (something that the metal chairs detract from - why not go with wood when you are doing an earth tone restaurant).

Moving on to the food - I order the spinach salad. The greens were fresh and it wasn't overdressed. The bite of the sundried tomatoes were a great contrast to the dressing and the salty-sweet pretzel croutons made a nice "local" touch (they were made with pretzels from a local pretzel maker). All around a good way to start the meal.

The entree was a disappointment. When I order seafood at a restaurant, I have high expectations - fish should not have bones and shellfish should not have shell. Getting a half peeled shrimp grossed me out. I have no objection to peel and eat shrimp, or fried shrimp with the tail on, but when its clear that the shrimp were meant to be peeled (umm...all the rest of them were), I do not want to have to either pass on the shrimp or get my fingers all saucy to take the tail and legs off my dinner. Plus then you have tail and legs still sitting on your plate. I felt bad about mentioning it to the waitress (did not expect to get anything free, but if I worked in a kitchen at a new restaurant its the kind of thing I would want to know). She appologized and gave us free desserts, but it left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I'd go back to the restaurant, but probably will not order that otherwise tasteless pasta again. The pasta really was pretty uninteresting - I was expecting more seafood and its texture was a huge letdown. It was just very mushy and bland - fine for oatmeal,not so great for pasta.

The desserts were more interesting. They come in little shot glasses, and you can take them right off the waitress's tray. We order the key lime pie, the pumpkin, and a brownie thing. The pumpkin was by far the best, but it didn't really meet its description - described as a pumpkin gooey butter cake but there was nothing resembling gooey butter cake in it (gooey butter cake is a weird St. Louis thing that most resembles extra buttery under cooked sugar cookies). The brownie was a bit dry, and the key lime pie was almost inedible. The first taste was yummy and good - the smooth creamy sweetness you expect from key lime pie, but then immediately after that first taste there was an explosion of sour, as though it was lacking the right amount of sugar or too much lime juice had been added.

Anyway, while I wasn't impressed with this place, I'll probably go back. We had heard that the sandwiches were good and they are more reasonably priced.

We can work it out...

My funk continues. When people ask me how I'm doing, how the elbow is, my standard answer is "fine" and I really mean that. Its not bad; its not good; I'm not bad; I'm not good. I'm "fine." Fine as in, it could be worse - I could be unable to do my chosen career as a result of my injuries - like a doctor or an artist or a chef. So what if I can't knit or do needlepoint or take kick boxing classes or go rock climbing or eat with chop sticks (I think its that last one that makes me cry the most - strange isn't it).

I've come to realize that I'll probably never eat or run or even wave goodbye to a friend like a normal person again. I'm frustrated, and I'm angry, and I'm scared. Its not getting better, and in some ways, its getting worse. My wrist hurts; it pops when I turn it and now sometimes the physical therapy for my elbow makes me have sharp pain in my wrist. I'm convinced that my wrist is trying to make up for what my elbow can no longer do. The last two fingers on the hand have started to hurt - its a GREAT new development. At the same time, the screws under my skin itch. Its a constant annoyance.

I know I shouldn't be so angry and upset about this. I could have so many worse problems. Still, it feels like my life was turned upside down on a hot sunny Sunday in August. I hadn't even planned to go riding that day, but I needed to take my mind off the boy I was seeing that evening. Yay, I really managed to take my mind off him.

I think I'm most frustrated right now because I have so many unanswered questions. Should it be acting this way? Why isn't it making any improvements? Why is it making those popping feelings? What's physically keeping it from turning? Is my wrist alright?

Sorry I'm such a downer lately. This is harder for me than I even expected it to be.

Leaving the comfort zone

Last night at about 3:40 a.m. (I know that because I got a text message then that woke me up and got me thinking), I made a decision about my future. I decided that I can't stay in St. Louis next year, that I have to see if I can make it in Chicago or D.C. or someplace else.

I've wanted to stay in St. Louis because its comfortable. I know my way around here - I know where to find the good grocery store, the quick post office, the best sushi. I've got some good friends here, and I can happily drive my little car to work every day, never having to interact with anyone. Yet, when I go out on dates with people who have never left Missouri, never experienced living anywhere else, I am immediately bored. I judge those people, and in that same way, I judge myself. Why not at least try "making it" in a big city? Its not like Chicago would be that big of a risk - my family is there, I have friends there from law school, I kind of know my way around already. I can get advice as to which law firms treat their associates like slaves and which ones respect a work/life balance.

And then there is the money. After talking to my friends here regarding the amount they work, I'm more and more convinced that the hours are little different from midsized firms in Chicago, but the pay - well, that's very different. Since Chicago firms would count my clerkship as credit toward pay and partnership, I would come in as a third year associate up there. Also, I would get a clerkship bonus which these days is not something to sneeze at (down payment on a condo). In St. Louis - I get jack. Plus, the firm I previously worked at is likely merging with another firm to become a mega-firm (600+ attorneys), I don't see how this could possibly be a better "work environment" than most Chicago firms.

So, that was my thought process in the middle of the night. Does it still make sense in the light of day? Possibly, no probably. Now, I just need to take some action.

a good ache

My legs hurt and so do my abs. I tossed and turned all night because in every position, I was just a little uncomfortable. I was exhausted and yet I felt more alive than I have in months. No, I didn't break my dry spell - I went running.

My doctor finally gave me approval to do everything I can do (meaning, if my arm physically can do something, I'm allowed to do it) on Thursday last week. My gym at work is closed for remodeling so I have to run outside, and I had to deal with my landlord on Thursday after work and I had to work late on Friday night. So, yesterday was the first chance I've had. It was both wonderful and miserable. It was a grey cool day and on the second half of the run, I was running in the rain. It was wonderful because there is nothing like running - feeling like I am really working myself hard, getting the head nod from other runners (amazing how ignored I felt when I was walking the same path with a giant arm splint), feeling my skin flush, going from slightly chilled to overheated. I love the feeling. Still, parts of that run were miserable - I hate running in the rain (generally I avoid it at all costs) and this time I didn't even have a hat so I was getting rain in my eyes, I had forgotten how sore my legs and butt get when I haven't run in a long time. Its a good ache, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

To update you on the arm, I'm really beginning to get scared even though the doctor and my physical therapist have told me "I'm not giving up on you yet.' See, while those words are encouraging, they are also frightening - might someone want to give up on me now? My supination is terrible and my therapist is now allowed to touch me. She's doing one of the most aggressive types of physical therapy on me "level 4s" or some such - takes me to the point of pain and then stays there with a slight pulsing. Also, the hardware is pretty close to my skin - if you touch my elbow you can feel the pin heads - um...neat huh...

On a note of life getting back to normal - I am again a terrible dish doer, even with a dishwasher. Today, we were out of bowls and spoons. I did finish loading the dishwasher and turn it on, but I ate my breakfast cereal out of a decorative dip bowl with a plastic spoon - yeah, and I think I'm a grownup...

If your going through hell...

So, I lied.

Have you ever had one of those days where you can't decide whether you want to vomit or cry because you are just so angry and frustrated,where every light seems to be red, where you realize that you messed up,but its not really your fault, where a stupid electronic recording caused all your problems? Yeah, that's my day today. Gahh...now time to eat something to settle my stomach, and possibly grab a box of tissues.

blah

These past couple of months have been difficult for me. I've had a lot of difficulty with the little things - going for weeks without being able to shower, being forbidden to workout in any meaningful way, not being able to wear sleeves, not being able to put my hair in a ponytail (and remember I couldn't shower). All minor annoyances that have added up to a very moody and unhappy Megan. Wearing an arm brace has made me feel like a bit of a socialfreak. My parents worry about me for no reason (mom freaked out when she couldn't reach me one day, thinking that I had been in a car accident or something - and those of you who know me, know that I rarely answer my phone).

Now, my arms has begun to heal, and I really hope that I will get all of my abilities back - that this time next year I'll be able to do everything I could do before. Still, I'm beginning to freak out a little. The suplanation and pronation aren't improving at all. It makes me worry that maybe they never will - I know its concerning my physical therapist as well, but she keeps telling me not to worry yet. I'm hopeful, but afraid.

On the life front, I'm afraid that I'm becoming a bad friend to one of my good friends here. I don't want to go out with her because I just can't hear about her ex-bf any more. Its been over two months since they broke up, and hearing her agonize continuously over an ass who she can clearly do better than is driving me a bit daft.

Not to mention the fact that I let my heart get involved with someone I knew better than to care about. When will I learn to trust my instincts about people and not trust them until they have given me a reason to trust. Plus then there's the weight gain that has come with sitting on my butt instead of working out 5+ days a week. I'm working on it, but right now I feel fat and unattractive and freak like. I guess I've had better self-esteem days.

So, yeah, that's generally how I'm doing. I'll try to be more positive the next time I post, I promise.

update

Today, I had my "see" appointment following my week of "waiting." Unfortunately, the news is not good. They took two sets of ex rays, one set with the splint and one set without. The set without was incredibly painful again because they needed me to twist my elbow "to the point that I could endure." That's not really a phrase that you want to hear from a doctor, and so I'm back on the narcotics for the first time since Wednesday night. So yeah, the bone fragments had moved, and not in a good way. My doc got this really concerned look as he examined the ex rays, and then called in one of his partners to consult. She's a nationally renowned elbow surgeon, and she took one look and said this needs surgery.

In that moment I got myself a new doctor. She scheduled me for surgery next Monday. They are hoping to only have screw the bone back together and not have to give me a replacement tip. If they can screw it in, then it will be an outpatient procedure, if not I might get to enjoy the wonderful hospitality of Barnes. They say I'll be taking at least a week off of work afterward, can plan on another two weeks in the splint (until surgery and a week after surgery), and it will be at least 3 months post surgery before I'm back to normal.

The good news/bad news is that I am approved to ride the recumbent bike and only the recumbent bike at the gym for the near future. The doc doesn't want me doing anything where I could trip and fall until probably 6 weeks post-op so no running, walking, elliptical or real bike for quite a long time. Being inactive this week has driven me NUTS! As you all know, I'm a very active person. Being slothful has made me moody and depressed. Not only am I concerned about gaining weight because I'm not working out six days a week, but I can't handle the moodiness. I need my endorphins hit!

I'll keep you all updated.

Always wear clean underware, you never know when you will have to go to the emergency room

and you really don't want to go to the ER when you aren't wearing any at all. On Sunday afternoon, I had my first bike crash. I got distracted, was slightly off course, overcompensated and panicked causing a crash. I landed on my face and elbow. Oddly enough, I hadn't been listening to my ipod (i almost always do when biking) and I hadn't brought my cell phone (I always do). Luckily, "Brother Tim" came along (God was watching out for me), asked me if I was alright and then called 911. He stayed with me in the 100 degree heat while we waited for the ambulance to find us. He got me to sit in the shade and fed me water as I moaned and cursed under my breathe (I'm still feeling bad about all the "god damnits" he had to hear.

10 hours later, I left the hospital with a "fractured radial head" (broken elbow), high on morphine, with a cast, sling and prescription for Oxycontin. The hospital staff was fantastic (I feel terrible for screaming during the ex rays and needing to be held down) even if they couldn't decide if I needed surgery so kept me there hungry and thirsty extra long. After seeing a specialist today, I know its "s really bad fracture" and we are taking a wait and see approach. He's not sure that he can help me with surgery, but he knows he can make it worse. So it looks like no running, biking or rock climbing for me for at least a couple months.

Typing is difficult cause I can only use my left hand so i may not write much for the next couple months. Just thought you all would want to know what's up.