Shattered Dreams

Today for the first time in a while I looked at this blog. I read many, but not all, of my old posts. I can't help but feel how much I've changed. I look back on those past, hopeful posts and see a future that never was, a me I never became. While I see a reflection of my former self in those posts, they no longer fit the skin of the current me.

I know I've told some of you that I felt like a failure that my Chicago job didn't work out. I've come to realize that its more than that. I do like my current job, but I've begun to feel like I gave up on the dreams of the girl that I once was. I wanted to BE someone, to do something, to change something. Now, I'm much like the person that was my former-self's nightmare. I feel as though I let myself down. I took an easy, acceptable track instead of following the path less traveled. I wanted to be more than the person that I've become. I only wish I knew how to explain what I mean.

The girl I was, she was naive and full of infinite possibilities. Now, I feel like I've closed doors and built myself a box, a cage, really. The cage is nice, full of cozy nooks - very comfortable, but still a cage. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not changing the world.

But then, I think about what I do. Unlike my high paying, former hellhole of a job, I actually like what this job does. While I deal with people at a low point in their lives (let's be honest - its pretty bad if you are talking to me), I feel like I have the potential to really make a difference, to give someone hope when they have none, to influence a person's future choices, to help them see the possibility that their lives still hold. Its sad that I'm not seeing that for myself right now. The people I work with are good at what they do, passionate, and really the best of the best. I've heard it said more than once that I work at the best office for what I do in that nation. Still, its not enough for me. I'm not sure what will be. I have thoughts - but they would mean abandoning my cage, and I'm not ready to try that again. I just need to feel challenged again, but in a way that makes me feel like a success.

I'm beginning to feel like the hellhole stole something from me, not sure what. I think its a bit of my self-worth, and I hate that I let those assholes take it from me. I think its a bit of my self-respect and that makes me even angrier. I know its all of my physical fitness (why did I let that happen and why can't I get myself to fight to get that back?).