I haven't written anything in this blog since I moved to Chicago. At first this was a conscious decision. I was making a clean break from my past, seeing what I could make of this new life, looking for a new future and a new self.
But, after a few months, my reasons for not posting changed. My loneliness was overwhelming. I missed my friends. I missed the comfortable life I had left behind. I missed being in a city that I knew like the back of my hand. I missed enjoying my job.
That last one was a big one. I longed for days when my stomach wouldn't hurt out of anxiety and fear that I was going to screw up or get yelled at for no apparent reason (happened more than once). I longed to legitimately like the people I worked for.
None of this happened. Well, that's not entirely true. My stomach stopped hurting - not because the fear went away, but because it stopped mattering to me. It was replaced with dread. Every day I woke up thinking that I didn't want to go to work.
All that changed a week before Christmas. I found out that come April, I won't have this dreaded job anymore. I have to find something else to do. This statement was liberating. I don't have to keep doing this, and I will succeed in doing something else. Doors have been opened and the possibilities seem endless. I just needed a push.
Its not to say that the move hasn't had its good parts - my boyfriend has ended the lonely oppression. Still - I feel like I'm emerging into the sunlight (and hopefully taking him with me).