Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Today at work, I had a four hour training on dealing with change or more accurately, transitions. I won't say that that the training was terribly helpful, but it was interesting to see what "management" thinks we need to learn. Right now, dramatic things are changing in my office, and its not my favorite. The problem isn't the changes - I actually think they will be great for everyone involved, maybe more work. No the problem is that the things we are going to be using aren't ready yet. Its a struggle to figure out what we are supposed to be doing when the software we are supposed to be using isn't working yet. We'll get there, but we're not there yet.

In fact, I feel like the training was more applicable with my personal life rather than my job. In my personal life, I can take the steps necessary to let go of the past and embrace the future. I don't really have that same control with job.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Decisions, Decisions

Prior to my last post, I had been thinking about something for a bit, sort of a dream, but I thought it was out of my reach. That it was something that PB wasn't going to want, and I've asked too much of him the past couple of years to throw something else at him. A couple weeks ago, we went to a friend's wedding in Chicago and caught up with a bunch of people that I hadn't realized I missed. At the wedding, I talked about my dream with one of my friends and about how I couldn't put PB through all that. She asked me if I had asked him, and I realized that I had not. I just assumed he wouldn't agree to it or wouldn't support me making even more changes to his life. So, after my last blog post, I asked him. I told him what I was thinking, what I was dreaming, how I was feeling, and I was happily surprised that he wasn't against it. I'm constantly amazed my his faith in me, and his willingness to support me.

So, this week I took the first step. I filled out an application. Now, I have to wait. It will be a long waiting period - and it leaves me in limbo for a long time, but this finally feels right. It feels right in a great, jumping up and down excitment kind of way. It makes my heart glow. Perhaps its a step I should have taken several years ago, but now, after years of dreaming, I'm ready to try. I may fail. Most people fail, but that's alright. I'll never know if I don't try.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Shattered Dreams

Today for the first time in a while I looked at this blog. I read many, but not all, of my old posts. I can't help but feel how much I've changed. I look back on those past, hopeful posts and see a future that never was, a me I never became. While I see a reflection of my former self in those posts, they no longer fit the skin of the current me.

I know I've told some of you that I felt like a failure that my Chicago job didn't work out. I've come to realize that its more than that. I do like my current job, but I've begun to feel like I gave up on the dreams of the girl that I once was. I wanted to BE someone, to do something, to change something. Now, I'm much like the person that was my former-self's nightmare. I feel as though I let myself down. I took an easy, acceptable track instead of following the path less traveled. I wanted to be more than the person that I've become. I only wish I knew how to explain what I mean.

The girl I was, she was naive and full of infinite possibilities. Now, I feel like I've closed doors and built myself a box, a cage, really. The cage is nice, full of cozy nooks - very comfortable, but still a cage. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not changing the world.

But then, I think about what I do. Unlike my high paying, former hellhole of a job, I actually like what this job does. While I deal with people at a low point in their lives (let's be honest - its pretty bad if you are talking to me), I feel like I have the potential to really make a difference, to give someone hope when they have none, to influence a person's future choices, to help them see the possibility that their lives still hold. Its sad that I'm not seeing that for myself right now. The people I work with are good at what they do, passionate, and really the best of the best. I've heard it said more than once that I work at the best office for what I do in that nation. Still, its not enough for me. I'm not sure what will be. I have thoughts - but they would mean abandoning my cage, and I'm not ready to try that again. I just need to feel challenged again, but in a way that makes me feel like a success.

I'm beginning to feel like the hellhole stole something from me, not sure what. I think its a bit of my self-worth, and I hate that I let those assholes take it from me. I think its a bit of my self-respect and that makes me even angrier. I know its all of my physical fitness (why did I let that happen and why can't I get myself to fight to get that back?).