Sunday, March 30, 2008

going to the doctor's again

You may have noticed that I haven't been writing about the running much - even though I declared that I was going to try to run the half marathon again. Part of it has been that with all the traveling (4 trips to Chicago in the past 2 months), I didn't make time for my long runs. Part of it has been that the weather here sucked and I can't run more than 5 miles on a treadmill. But, the biggest part has been my right leg - weird bone pain.

So, when I first started training for the half in January, I was also going to Zumba classes on Monday nights. I think the combination of the two - with the jumping then the running, just did my right calf in. I had pretty intense pain - I actually had trouble walking for days afterward. When the pain got so bad I couldn't walk well for days afterward, I gave my leg a rest. I didn't run for a week. I iced it. I bought new shoes (cause well, doesn't that always solve everything), and I kind of quit training. Now its been two months since that pain set in, and my leg still isn't right. In the past month I haven't had a single run that has been over 4 miles and my mileage for a week is minuscule.

This week I ran a relatively quick mile on Tuesday (woo - 10:20), and a nice slow run on Wednesday (14 minutes at 5 mph). Wednesday night my leg hurt bad, in that same spot. (Its kind of on the back of the tibia right beneath the bulk of my calf muscle). My leg still hurts now. When I press on the spot on my bone the ache worsens. So, now I'm afraid that I somehow let a minor case of shin splints spiral into a stress fracture. Its not normal to still have pain from a one mile run 4 days later.

So I made an appointment with a doctor. In the mean time, no running for me. I think I'm going to take up swimming.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Major life decisions

Today I made a major life decision. I'm officially committed to a job and moving to Chicago. I know what my salary is going to be and when I am going to start.

It wasn't an easy decision for me. I had doubts. I know that the work and the pay will be good, but I'm not so sure about everything else. I love my mid-sized Midwestern city. I love my friends. I love that I know where everything is, and I love that I know what to expect. I'm a bit afraid of change - I've never been good at change. I'm scared of starting over in a new place. I'm scared of having to learn where the post office is, how to drive in city traffic, and how to navigate a bus system. I'm scared of being lonely and alone. I'm scared of leaving my comfort zone. I'm scared that I'll fail.

For the past couple weeks, since I learned that I hadn't gotten a different job, I've walked around with a knot in my stomach. I've been unsure whether my stomach hurt because my instinct was saying don't go there or because I was afraid of making the wrong decision. Every time I thought about my choices, my mind whirled and my stomach clenched.

I'm not sure I made the right decision. I'm not sure I'll be happy. I'm not sure if I should have waited and explored other options. I'm not sure if things were meant to be.

For the first time as an adult, I've accepted a job that doesn't make me want to jump up and down with joy - I have no desire to go out and celebrate. I feel unsure about whether "congratulations" are in order. Instead, I wait in nervous anticipation of what the future holds.

I don't like change, but several months ago, I committed to myself that I was going to attempt to make this change. I've made my choice - now I have to wait for the results.