Saturday, September 30, 2006

something good

Yesterday I was at a bar celebrating one of my friend's birthday. Unfortunately, she was working at the bar - she was supposed to be off for the night, but one of her co-worker's children had to be hospitalized. Not a good situation all the way around.

Anyway, my crowd ended up in this little random room with random people. I somehow ended up sitting on a wooden elephant carving talking to a 50 year old guy. In the course of our conversation he asked me to tell him one good thing that had happened to me this week. And you know what, I couldn't do it. I mean, I made up some lame ass shit about my work. But really life had been pretty uneventful/filling me with apathy. I got up, I went to work, I stared at a computer screen all day, I came home, I watched tv, I ate food, I went to bed. That's about it. I did make it to a baseball game - but my team lost.

Today I can actually say that something good happened to me. I went on a long bike ride (about 30 miles) and at about mile 24, a deer came bounding onto the trail in front of me. It was so unexpected and beautiful. I was smiling in wonder for the next several minutes, and it made the ride so special. I guess it just goes to show that special things can happen out of no where when you aren't expecting anything.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


So, my last post was all about how much I love my job, and I do love my job. But, right now I'm a little bored. The nature of what I do is that sometimes there is a ton of work and sometimes there is literally nothing. I went to work this morning thinking I had nothing to do, and I got lucky - my boss had something kinda major she wanted me to do and then an emergency issue came up. Plus my boss is interviewing for a new hire so I got to talk to a bunch of random nervous people. So I shouldn't have been bored, but I am.

I've exhausted most of my methods of entertaining myself at work. I've read all of my friends blogs, I'm updated on my news, and I'm well aware of how my sports teams are doing. I've also managed to listen to a good portion of the music on my ipod. It also should be noted that I am somewhat limited on what I can do on my work computer - because big brother is always watching. I don't want to look at anything (now don't think dirty, for me this also means extremely political/potentially offensive item) that might get me or my boss in trouble. Plus, I'm not allowed to talk on im or check my home email.

Anybody have any suggestions on entertaining myself?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

and I thought I had it all figured out

Its funny, ask any of my friends, and they will tell you I have known what I "wanted to be when I grew up" for years. Now, I've done it. I've got what I always wanted. The truth - I love it. I love every minute of my job, I love my boss, I love my co-workers, everything. For the first time, I feel like I am really doing something - not just waiting to do something, and you know what?

I'm scared.

I'm scared because I don't know what I want to do next. I'm scared because I'm headed down a path I'm not sure I want to travel, and I'm scared because I think I know what path I want, but I'm not sure I can get it. I'm afraid that I will take the path of least resistence because its easy, even though it might make me miserable for the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I'm going to get addicted to a lifestyle that may force me to accept a job that makes me miserable.

Like, I said, I love my job. Its a job that makes a difference, but its also a job with a time limit - a couple years and I'm out. I went to a school of overacheivers. We don't just graduate from college and run like lemmings over the cliff that is America's workforce, no we attempt to save the world, and you know what...I know people who are doing it. I want to be one of the people who is doing it - I don't want to slip into suburban life and forget about the rest of the world. I know people who are working for ngos in africa, and people are are teaching inner city children to read. I know people who influencing our government, and I know some people who will be our government. I don't want to get left behind, rotting in the Mid-West.

But aside from saving the world, I want it all. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who shares and supports my dream. Is that too much to ask? So I guess that's the other thing I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I will get everything I want with my career, but in the end it won't matter because I'll be alone. I'm afraid I'm alway going to be on the outside looking in.

Unlike my career goals, this is something I don't know how to attack. I don't have a plan, and I'm not sure a plan would help. Anyway, for the first time, I'm realizing that I don't have anything figured out...