Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Major life decisions

Today I made a major life decision. I'm officially committed to a job and moving to Chicago. I know what my salary is going to be and when I am going to start.

It wasn't an easy decision for me. I had doubts. I know that the work and the pay will be good, but I'm not so sure about everything else. I love my mid-sized Midwestern city. I love my friends. I love that I know where everything is, and I love that I know what to expect. I'm a bit afraid of change - I've never been good at change. I'm scared of starting over in a new place. I'm scared of having to learn where the post office is, how to drive in city traffic, and how to navigate a bus system. I'm scared of being lonely and alone. I'm scared of leaving my comfort zone. I'm scared that I'll fail.

For the past couple weeks, since I learned that I hadn't gotten a different job, I've walked around with a knot in my stomach. I've been unsure whether my stomach hurt because my instinct was saying don't go there or because I was afraid of making the wrong decision. Every time I thought about my choices, my mind whirled and my stomach clenched.

I'm not sure I made the right decision. I'm not sure I'll be happy. I'm not sure if I should have waited and explored other options. I'm not sure if things were meant to be.

For the first time as an adult, I've accepted a job that doesn't make me want to jump up and down with joy - I have no desire to go out and celebrate. I feel unsure about whether "congratulations" are in order. Instead, I wait in nervous anticipation of what the future holds.

I don't like change, but several months ago, I committed to myself that I was going to attempt to make this change. I've made my choice - now I have to wait for the results.

2 comments:

Elisabeth said...

Life is a scary thing.

I'm hoping that you're feeling okay with this decision.

I have a feeling, life will step in and blow you away.

a.maria said...

oooooooh how that's so similar to what i have going on.

unfortunately that means i have exactly no words of wisdom. :(

hang tough. keep the faith. and know there are like 90 other running bloggers around (in chicago) so finding friends can't ever be too hard to do!

good luck!