Thursday, September 21, 2006

and I thought I had it all figured out

Its funny, ask any of my friends, and they will tell you I have known what I "wanted to be when I grew up" for years. Now, I've done it. I've got what I always wanted. The truth - I love it. I love every minute of my job, I love my boss, I love my co-workers, everything. For the first time, I feel like I am really doing something - not just waiting to do something, and you know what?

I'm scared.

I'm scared because I don't know what I want to do next. I'm scared because I'm headed down a path I'm not sure I want to travel, and I'm scared because I think I know what path I want, but I'm not sure I can get it. I'm afraid that I will take the path of least resistence because its easy, even though it might make me miserable for the rest of my life. I'm terrified that I'm going to get addicted to a lifestyle that may force me to accept a job that makes me miserable.

Like, I said, I love my job. Its a job that makes a difference, but its also a job with a time limit - a couple years and I'm out. I went to a school of overacheivers. We don't just graduate from college and run like lemmings over the cliff that is America's workforce, no we attempt to save the world, and you know what...I know people who are doing it. I want to be one of the people who is doing it - I don't want to slip into suburban life and forget about the rest of the world. I know people who are working for ngos in africa, and people are are teaching inner city children to read. I know people who influencing our government, and I know some people who will be our government. I don't want to get left behind, rotting in the Mid-West.

But aside from saving the world, I want it all. I don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who shares and supports my dream. Is that too much to ask? So I guess that's the other thing I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I will get everything I want with my career, but in the end it won't matter because I'll be alone. I'm afraid I'm alway going to be on the outside looking in.

Unlike my career goals, this is something I don't know how to attack. I don't have a plan, and I'm not sure a plan would help. Anyway, for the first time, I'm realizing that I don't have anything figured out...

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