Thursday, February 22, 2007


So, I think I have a bit of an issue with self-sabotage. First off, whenever I start to feel really good about the way I look and am feeling fit, I start eating like a crazy person. After two weeks of not writing down what I've been eating and generally eating badly (at home...I'm still good at work). Usually I haven't had more than 700 calories when I get home at night and then all hell breaks loose. And its not that I'm starving myself during the day and that's what causes the night time eating...I eat like a crazy person for entire weekends if I'm sitting at home. Now, part of this is that I am actually stressing a bit about the bar exam that I'm taking on Tuesday. Outwardly, I look like I'm unconcerned, but honestly, I haven't studied nearly enough (not like I did for Missouri) and I feel totally unprepared. I know I am an emotional eater so this isn't helping the situation any. Regardless, I shouldn't be eating like a crazy person. Its not that I don't have healthy food available. My fridge is stocked with yummy apples (mmmm...Pacific Rose), ripe grapes, clementines, and even pears. I've got nice wholesome things like frozen brocolli and whole wheat pasta. And yet, I've also allowed myself to buy stupid things lately. I've bought a small pint of Ben & Jerry's frozen yogurt, ingredients to bake a chocolate cake for valentines day (I baked it, things didn't work as planned...and I ate too much half baked chocolate cake), chocolate covered strawberries, and even mac and cheese. I even made homemade cookie dough. What is WRONG with me. I was doing really well with my diet. I looked really good in my clothes. The "fat face" was diminishing - I actually looked thin. And now, two weeks later - its like I'm back where I started. My fitness level is better cause I haven't sabotaged the running, but I'm so frustrated with myself and my eating. Why can't I do this? Why do I buy those things? Why can't I eat like a normal 26 year old?

On the dating front I think I also self sabotage. Part of it is that I can't seem to get excited about nice guys. I think I'm attracted to the wrong people. Plus, I don't know what I want. Of course, I think I want certain things, but do I really? I met up with the boy I mentioned below tonight for our "exchange of stuff," and I know he wanted an explanation of why, but honestly I don't a why. I just didn't feel it, and part of that is that I don't know what "it" is. Yes, I've been in love before, but I don't know why I feel for those guys...what the spark was that made me want to be with them. Hopefully that spark will find me again, but I think now realize that I can't make that spark appear if it isn't there to begin with. Am I right?

Weight: 159.5 (gahhhhh!!!)
Miles: 2 (20:00 - what's impressive about this is that the second mile was actually run in 9 minutes...I was very happy with myself - so there Presidential Physical Fitness test ;-))

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