disconnect

Until recently, reading an article like this one wouldn't even have crossed my mind. I've always been one of those disconnected people. No one in my family has ever served in the military (my father had a job deferment in Vietnam and I'm still unclear about my grandfather and WWII - I think I was told something about flat feet), and it generally hasn't been something that felt relevant to my daily life. Just last week, I actually had a conversation with one of my friends about my lack of understanding. Even after my changing perspective, I stand by what I said to my friend - I still can't comprehend people who join the military to pay for college. Its too hard and its not enough money. I stand by my belief that I can only really understand joining the military for more - for a love of country, for a belief that its something that you have to do, to become the person you want to be.

I don't think money alone should ever be the enticement to join, and yet, it seems so often that must be a driving force. Why else would the vast majority of people who are enlisting be from lower class families? Why the class distinction? Are poorer people more patriotic or do they just have less options? Its difficult for me to understand how a 15K signing bonus entices people to enlist/re-enlist, but I think that might be another example of my disconnect. I've got 80K in student loan debt and pay my loan provider about $500 a month. I believe that this debt is worth it, and never even considered not going to law school due to costs. But, I come from an upper-middle/upper class background. $10,000 is a lot of money to me, but not so much money that I would ever base a decision on that (as exemplified by my current job choice over the other options that I had). I can't really comprehend what it would be like for $10,000 to be enough money to change your life.

I think that's possibly just as great of a disconnect as the one talked about in that article. While I think its not healthy for our Country, that civilians like me can't even remotely relate to those serving in the military, I also think its terribly unhealthy that wealthy folks, like me, can't relate to those at the bottom of the income bracket.

:-P

I've been instructed to blog, but really I have nothing much I care to share on here going on these days. I got a letter back from the Marine boy, but I'm not sharing. Work is slow. I'm running on a treadmill two days a week cause its too hot and humid here to run outside. I'm seeing Ani DiFranco tonight at a free concert. I made cookies last night. I only ate two. That's it. That's my exciting life. Can't wait for the joy that will be reading Harry Potter tonight at midnight.

breaking up is hard to do

Don't worry, I'm not speaking of boy breaking up (although I am TERRIBLE at that as well), I'm instead speaking of a "running partner" breakup that I haven't done yet. I put "running partner" in quotes because, well, she hasn't been much of one. We have a standing agreement that I will drive over to her apartment building and meet her at 6:20 in the morning for a 40 minute run in the park, 2 days a week. This is not for my benefit. I have no trouble getting myself to workout 5 days a week (though if left to my own devices, this might involve more biking and elliptical machines in the summer and less running). The timing also isn't for my benefit - I could leave my apartment at 7:45 and still have plenty of time for a 45 minute run. I don't leave my apartment in the morning until 8:15/8:20, and I just hop in the shower and grab some breakfast post run. So, I've been getting up 40 minutes early, driving over to her place, and waiting for her to come down two days a week (unless she kindly calls or texts ahead to tell me not to meet her).

Unfortunately, I'm getting annoyed. At least one day a week, she cancels. Either by calling ahead or just not showing up when I'm waiting around outside her building (I wait until 6:30, if she's not there, I go run by myself). This week she texted ahead to cancel on Tuesday, and then just didn't show up this morning. Now, the texting or calling ahead is better than just not showing up, but still not great. I still wake up early and then have to check my phone. Even if I go back to sleep, its not the same as sleeping in until my regular wake up time (I normally end up sort of going back to sleep and then working out after work or at lunch in the gym at work). I'm annoyed, but I don't know how to end this running relationship.

At first, I tried to be understanding because I know she has a history of insomnia. If she can't fall asleep until 3 A.M., I can totally understand why she would need to sleep in as late as possible. Then she broke up with her boyfriend, this process took a couple weeks, with her staying up very very late talking to him on the phone. I tried to be understanding and didn't complain about her missing the runs, but here's the thing...I'm not that understanding, its still pissed me off. And now, I'm sure she's depressed about the breakup and still has insomnia issues, but that's not my problem.

Plus, while she is a lovely friend and I enjoy spending time with her, she doesn't help me much with my runs. She's slightly faster than me in the beginning, but then can't keep up as we hit mile 3 or so. Plus, she doesn't talk while running - she's a total headphones girl. I have no beef with running with headphones. I do it myself when I'm running alone or on a treadmill (yes, I know its not safe while running outdoors, but my love for running just isn't strong enough to allow me to do it without the benefit of music). Still, when I run with others, I try to carry on a conversation. It helps the time pass and allows me to avoid hating every playlist on my ipod. I ran the entire half marathon without music, as well as all of my long runs where I had company. So, running with her is quite a bit like running alone. I've only agreed to meet her in the morning to help motivate her and that's obviously not working.

The question is - how do I end it? I don't want to kick her while she's down, but I don't think I can put up with a couple more weeks of this.

Thanks for calling

On my birthday I got a rather unexpected phone call. The first three digits after the area code were from the same area as where I grew up, and so, I answered thinking perhaps it was someone I knew, but didn't recognize the phone number. In response to my "hello?..." I heard a rather nervous sounding woman introduce herself, "Hi, this is Sally Momwithlonglastname*. You went on a couple of dates with my son Marine boy*." Now I recognized her name immediately, and these are the immediate thoughts that popped into my head - God, I hope he's not dead or something...if he is, why the hell would she call me...ummm, why they hell is she calling me...we went out two months ago and I never heard from him again after I let him sleep over at my place...Wait...why is she calling me?

She then explained that Marine Boy had been too busy to call me before heading off to boot camp and had sent her a letter asking her to call me on his cell phone to give me his address at boot camp. She wrote back that she had turned off his cell phone and so couldn't call me with it (apparently she's not that techno savie and didn't realize that while she couldn't use the phone to dial my number, it probably still worked to turn it on and find my number in the address book, but I digress). He then wrote back telling her that he remembered that I lived across the street from a guy he went to high school with, and so, she called my neighbors who she probably hadn't spoken to since he was a sophomore in high school (he spent his last two years of high school out of state). My neighbor then called my parent's house (ummm, I don't live there anymore) and told my mom that his mom would be calling to get my phone number, that they are normal/good people, and that he's not stalking me or anything. Then his mom calls my mom, who gives her my phone number and his mom then proceeds to call me (I can't MAKE this shit up). I get his address at boot camp and then hang up. After describing this bizarro scenario to one of my co-workers, my phone rings again...its Ms. Momwithlonglastname again calling to tell me that if I write to him I should make sure not to put anything other than addresses on the outside of the envelope cause apparently that would cause Marine boy to have to do extra push ups or something at boot camp.

I ended up writing him a letter, but I didn't really know what to say. I mean, what do you say to someone who you haven't spoken to in 2 months, didn't call you after your last date, and you only went out with 2 times? I settled for describing my new apartment and the bike ride I had taken on the 4th.

When I described the whole situation to my friends at my birthday celebration, I was told what the proper response would have been - an envelope with hearts and flowers and perfume all over it with a letter inside that said, "Thanks for calling..." I don't think I could be that evil;-) My roommate has jokingly told me that if his mom went through all that trouble to reach me (and man, she really did), we are destined to get married...hmmm...I'm laughing a bit in my cubicle right now thinking about that one.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It looks like a dude's

I've recently been told, by more than one person, that the inside of my refridgerator looks like it belongs to a guy. We have eggs, (soy) milk, two kinds of juice, a couple things of mustard, ketchup, cheese, butter, and beer that you can see when you open it up. The veggie drawer is now full of wonderful things like jicama, beets, mushroom, mixed field greens, homegrown tomatoes, and onions, but you can't really see any of that without opening the drawer. Apparently, this comment (as both speakers have indicated) was in part inspired my our near complete lack of salad dressing. I must admit, that like most girls, in the past, I had bottles and bottles of salad dressing. I had light italian, fat free raspberry vinegerette, light ranch, fat free ranch, thousand island, etc. Now, we have one lonely bottle purchased by my roommate. These days I don't buy salad dressing. For me ranch dressing is a bit of a binge food - mmm ranch on practically anything - and so I don't keep it in the house.

And oil and vineger dressings - well, those I can make myself. I'd rather make up a small batch of my special balsamic dressing than keep a big bottle of acceptable but uninteresting italian dressing ready for those occassions when I want it (ummm almost never). This morning, after chopping up a salad with jicama (a surprising favorite of mine), beets, tomatoes, and blue cheese, I mixed up a tiny container of my special dressing - hands down it beats any store bought dressing: balsamic vineger, olive oil, sugar, and whole grain mustard. That's it and its so wonderful. So, now, for lunch, I'm eating a beautifully pink tinged salad with the crunch of jicama, the odd sweetness of beets, the bright zing of balsamic balanced out by the stinky mild flavor of the blue cheese.

After an excruciating weekend, its good to be eating lunch at work today.

Cherries

For years, I loved Bing Cherries. As a child, they were my most favorite food. I thought that they were special - just for me. They only came into season for a few weeks before my birthday and then, a week or so later, like magic, they were gone. I remember sitting on the floor in front of my parent's couch watching DuckTales and eating cherry after cherry out of the thin plastic bag. I would eat until I was sick. I love the firm ripe deep red ones and would savor the sweet juice as I ate each one. I would leave even most slightly mushy cherries behind - they weren't worth my effort and ruined the wonderful perfection of the other cherries. I really loved Bing cherries.

Then, two years ago, I discovered Rainier cherries, and suddenly the Bings seemed like a cheap imitation. Everything about the Rainiers is better. They are sweeter without being too sweet; they are firmer; they are perfect even when bruised and blemished; they taste like heaven with blue cheese and honey. The only problem with them is the price. It hurts to spend $6.99 a pound for fruit, but what can you do when its true love and its only available for a few short weeks each summer?

Last winter I tried to get my cherry fix with something that can't remotely live up to either of those fresh varieties - frozen sweet cherries. While far better than canned, nothing about them compares to the sensation of popping a a firm ripe cherry in your mouth and scraping the pit clean with your teeth. They serve a purpose, but frozen cherries only make me long for summer and its bounty.

I'm so glad summer is here.

Opinions

One of my dear friends said something last night that really hurt me. It hurt me because I couldn't understand why she would think that about me, how she had formed that opinion about me, as someone who knows me so well. Its wasn't a big thing, and I'm not even sure what she meant by it. It left me a little bit hurt and a little bit surprised and quite frankly a little bit angry. It also made me wonder what sort of image I put off about myself.

I guess I should tell you want the comment was - "I can't really see you enjoying life in Colorado" - after I had just stated my desire to live there at some point in time. While I admit that I'm not really the North Face Fleece wearing type (well, I own one and wear it on weekends in the winter). I enjoy nice clothes. I like wearing heals, and I guess I don't do drugs. But, I don't really see why any of that would make her come to that conclusion. As I have discussed her, I'm not a beach person (I could never visit another beach again and probably not be all that sad about it), and I love the mountains and outdoors. I love spending weekends biking or hiking or running outside. I love watching leaves change, catching a deer unaware as I head down a path, or playing in the mounds of freshly fallen snow.

I don't know why I let this opinion get to me so much. This friend's opinions really do matter to me for some unknown reason. As a thirteen year old, singing along to 4 Non Blondes' What's Up, I remember be angered by her comment that I shouldn't sing that song because I didn't have the voice for it. I actually felt vindicated from that comment when my college a cappella group chose me to sing the solo on that very same song. Some might say that I have a memory like an elephants, but I don't really. Its more that her opinions and minor comments can wound me more than almost anyone else's. I don't know why that is. Its so strange because I've sort of grown as a person to the point where most of the time I don't give a damn about what others think about me, but for some reason that's just not true with her (or my mother for that matter). Why do some people's opinions matter more?

Food

I don't write about food much on here. Its not that food isn't important to me - in fact, I would actually say that I have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with food. Its more that my experiences with food seem to me to either be embarrassing (hello eating an entire box of weight watchers giant fudge bars in one sitting) or boring (dinner often consists of a green vegetable, whole wheat pasta, garlic, and olive oil). I think that's part of the problem. I love food and I love eating, but so often I'm fighting myself over these loves. I'm feeling guilty about the dessert I shared with a friend last night, or sneakily gobbling down an entire bag of white cheddar cheese popcorn in my car (both things happened last weekend). I need to give up guilt. I need to stop regarding foods as good or bad. I need to accept that sometimes I eat for reasons that have nothing to do with hunger and everything to do with emotion. Food is not the enemy. Since I already think about food far too much, I want to revel in the tastes and textures, in the scents and flavors.

Today's lunch embodies what I want to feel about food and the kind of food I particularly enjoy putting in my body. I've been excited about this lunch since I thought of it yesterday afternoon. I was sad yesterday when I realized I couldn't have it for dinner cause I already had plans to go out. I convinced myself to go on my run this morning instead of going back to bed when my running partner didn't show up by reminding myself that if I went running I would have time post-run to create this perfect meal (and if I had gone back to sleep I certainly would have overslept and been unable to make it).

Today's lunch tastes of the sweetness of fresh home grown tomatoes, the tangy crispness of chopped green bell peppers, the slightly bitter zing of diced white onions, and the mellow nutiness of olive oil. It tastes fresh and clean. It uses food from my fridge that had sunk to the bottom of my refridgerator drawer and begun to shrivel, but tastes as though I had purchased the produce at the farmers market yesterday. Its food that fills me up and leaves me satisified, yet without a trace of guilt. It nurishes my body and soul.

My lunch is simple - its just couscous with diced tomatoes, onions, green pepper, olive oil, and a tad of garlic. Its just a tabouleh salad. I didn't measure anything, I just boiled some water, threw in some couscous and began chopping. I'll probably never make another salad just like it again. I have no idea how much olive oil or salt I used, and I'll probably stink to the high heavens for the entire afternoon (garlic, check, onions, check). For all I know, it could be horrible for me due to the amount of olive oil, but this is how I want to eat. The reverence that I felt as I dined on this simple salad is how I want to feel about food.

I'm tired of fighting myself over food. I'm tired of feeling guilty. So here's what I want to do - eat foods that satisfy me. Think about what I'm putting in my mouth and why. I want to stop worrying about the amount of olive oil in the salad, and recognize that its just food. Its tomatoes and green peppers and onions and couscous. Its nutrious and healthy. It tastes good. I dwell on the joy in eating and stop being consumed by a fear of food.

To some extent, I've been living with this mindset since the half marathon. I eat what I want to eat. I try to eat at least 5 servings of whole fruit and veggies a day, not because I should, but because it makes me feel good. My body feels better when I do that. I've lost the weight I gained at the end of the half, and in fact, last week (before the striking of PMS bloating), I was back down to 155. If I can eat as I please and maintain my weight, I think I'm ok with maintaining a weight that is slightly higher than is considered "healthy."

pseudo-date

Tomorrow night I'm going to dinner and out dancing with a guy who is pretty damn awesome. He's smart and funny and passionate and close to his family and friends with my friends. I've known him since high school, and he's in town on a break from working on his Ph.D. in Chemistry. But is it a date? Chemistry boy will probably pay for dinner cause he's that kind of guy. He's picking me up at my apartment at six and there will be lots of dancing the night away. He's straight. He had invited me to go to a wedding with him, but I had to pass because I'll be at a different wedding that night. With most other guys in this situation I would think - DATE - but with him, well, I'm not sure.

He came over to the apartment last night, nominally to see the roommate, but ended up hanging out with me instead. In passing, he mentioned that he had been telling his parents about me. Does this lead more to the date theory? Oh, and he called me his dancing partner if that influences the determination. I've never kissed this guy (and honestly the attraction thing is maybe the problem - nicest guy ever, but I've never thought that I wanted to jump him). So, I guess we will find out if its a date or not tomorrow night ;-)

half again?

So, I was talking with my friend Matt today, and he asked if I was going to run the Lewis & Clark half marathon in September. L&C is the other major half marathon in St. Louis - in fact, its where Dean Karnazes' 50, 50, 50 started last year. I hadn't really thought about whether I would do it or not until Matt's question. And now, I don't know:

Pros:
- I want to run another half marathon someday
- Its convenient (I don't have to travel)
- Matt will probably run it too (and in under 2 hours)
- Being in training makes me feel good about myself (physically and mentally)
- It would keep me on a workout schedule
- I've already written the daily mileage in my day planner

Cons:
- I hate running in heat
- I like sleeping in on weekends
- I've been looking forward to having weekends for long bike rides, float trips, weddings, rock climbing, and relaxing by the pool
- I was so bored with running by the time I finished training for the St. Louis half that I just started running regularly again last week
- I hate running in heat
- I like running in the cold (even sub 30 degree weather with snow on the ground)
- I've already missed the first week of training (not that big a deal, training for the week calls for 13 total miles, and I was gonna run 10 or so anyway)
- Training would mess with my current agreement with a workout partner who would not be training

After this analysis, I think I am just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and not train. If what I'm doing ends up looking like training, then maybe I'll sign up for the race. Otherwise, I think I will enjoy long bike rides, float trips, weddings, rock climbing, and relaxing by the pool (while still getting in 5 or more workouts a week). I think I am more suited for spring racing rather than fall racing because of my very strong training weather preference. What do you all think?

Movin' on Up

I’m almost completely moved in to the new apartment. YAY! I love the new apartment and my new furniture looks fabulous.

Yesterday was difficult. The only thing wrong with my apartment is that it’s a third floor walkup, which is only a problem when you are moving in and moving out. I moved two Toyota Camry loads myself, up all those stairs, and unpacked all the stuff. As you can see it was a lot of boxes.


Once I saw the apartment, I realized that my bedroom is a wee bit smaller than I had imagined it in my minds eye. My solution was to cancel the sleigh bed frame. My room looks very finished even without a bed frame, and its going to look even better once I get my curtains up (pretty much the only thing I have to do on my end of things).

Now, I need to buy a couple more things. First, I need groceries. Next, I need a chair. All I want is a simple wooden chair that looks good with my office furniture and fits in the corner when I’m not using it at my desk. Right now, there are only three places to sit in my apartment: my bed, the floor, and my balance ball. I’ve written this entire post while sitting on my balance ball – isn’t that supposed to be good for my abs or something?


The apartment itself is BEAUTIFUL. The kitchen is gorgeous! My bathroom is quite nice, but currently has a slight problem.

So, I started moving yesterday at 7 AM. I didn’t finish and sit down until around 10:30 pm. It was a long move. When I got done, all I wanted was a nice hot shower. First problem: the hot water wouldn’t go on in my shower. This problem was easy to solve – the water had been hooked up backwards, so I just set the water to cold and voila hot water. The next problem caused my bigger problem, the water was spraying in my face too much so I attempted to adjust the shower head so it was behind me more. Um, ouch, not a good idea. I push a bit too hard, and um, broke off my shower head. I got hit in the eye with an incredibly powerful stream of water. I got out of the shower, and used my future roommate’s bathroom instead. Luckily I had already cleaned her bathroom for her. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with the broken shower last night, and although I’m sure its fixable, I think that might be waiting for my dad to fix it for me (I’m too embarrassed to call the landlords about this one unless dad can’t fix it).

btw – I love my new bed.

on the run again

I have this big post written up on my laptop about my move last weekend with photos and everything, but internet access isn't cooperating at home so that post is going to have to wait until tomorrow (when the cable company comes out and sets things up again - lets just say there was a slight miscommunication with my landlord).

Anyway, there are two wonderful things that I am already enjoying about my move. The first is that my commute is literally 6 miles. When I leave my apartment at 8:10, I'm sitting in my desk chair at 8:30. There is no traffic and I'm not going to need to fill up my gas tank every 5 days. Its wonderful. I'm still inclined to try taking public transportation, but right now I'm reveling in the quick commute time. I'm not ready to have a 45 minute commute again just yet.

The second thing is the park. I now live about a half a block from Forest Park. I've written about the park before - its the place where I did my long training runs. I can't say enough great things about having it right outside my back door. I haven't been able to resist the lure of having it just steps away. Yesterday, even though I had Zumba after work, I got up early and went for a 40 minute run. Today, I drove to the other side of the park to meet a friend at 6:20 for another 40 minute run. While getting up at 6 isn't my favorite thing, I have found that I'm already awake so I might as well be running. 6 am in the park is almost a magic time. Its sunny and bright, but the weather isn't too hot yet. There are plenty of other runners on the path so you feel safe, but its not crazy busy like a nice Saturday morning. It has enough hills for diversity, but it has enough flat stretches that you don't get too worn out. Based on the way I live my life now, I never want to live anywhere else in St. Louis. I couldn't be happier.

note to self

Don't ride my bike in the evening without sunglasses, 2 reasons: (1) the sun is right in your eyes when you aren't in the shade and (2) bugs, lots of bugs. Bugs in your eyes suck.

big plans

This past weekend, I had big plans. I was supposed to ride my bicycle over 70 miles in two days. I was supposed to get a little packing done, but generally just enjoy spending two days in Southern Illinois. I was supposed to wear my new Fat Cyclist jersey (orange). None of that happened.

We had thunderstorms this weekend. Friday night, the power went out in the movie theater while I watched Knocked Up (eh, entertaining, but mediocre at best). Saturday, I still wasn't feeling 100% after the wonderful bought with the stomach flu during the week, and thunderstorms were projected for Southern Illinois. I'm a pansy and have no real desire to ride my bike in the middle of thunderstorms, or get picked up by the sag wagon and hang out with a bunch of random people I don't know in the rain. And it was supposed to rain all morning on Sunday. So, I didn't go. I stayed home. I did a lot of packing, reading of books, going to a housewarming party, getting a bad manicure (stupid not letting the polish dry between coats and hence having bubbling nails), and going to brunch. It was a wonderful weekend, even if I was a lazy behind and didn't do an ounce of exercise. It turned out Sunday was perfect in St. Louis (though who knows what things were like 150 miles away in Southern IL).

My only regret is that I didn't get to ride that morning and wear my brand spanking new jersey. Its super cool and I feel so connected to the world when I wear it. I know people have received those jerseys across the country and even throughout the world.

On that note, I have another post about his Pink jerseys. As I mentioned before, his wife is being treated for Cancer, and he has come out with a pink jersey. Twin Six, the company that is making the jerseys, isn't making any profit off the them. The profits are all being divided three ways: to pay for fatty's wife's cancer treatment, to pay for a trip to Italy for her after treatment, and to go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. I've got to admit that though I have never met fatty and likely never will, I have begun to feel like I'm a part of that community and that I truly know him. I'm looking forward to getting my pink jersey and wearing it with pride.

bleagh!

Um, so, well, the reason my body hurt everywhere wasn't just muscle pain. I had the stomach flu. Missed two days of work. Ached all over. Curled up in a little ball in my bed. Generally hated life. Things are better now...lets just pray there is no rain this weekend in southern Illinois...

I hurt. Everywhere.

More honestly, I could say that I hurt everywhere below my chin. My head actually feels fine. The pain is a result of a fantastic weekend, though, so really its a good thing.

My exercise binge on Saturday has resulted in some somewhat lasting repercussions. My legs are still sore for the crazy amount of squats that we did in that sculpt and tone class. I don't think it helped much that I also did a spinning class and a two hour bike ride that day. Its not really suprising that every time I even looked at stairs the rest of the weekend, my legs screamed in protest. I had forgotten how much I hate squats, but man, I really do hate them. They make me hurt; they are boring; they make me want to hurt someone. Really nothing good about squats - other than the fact that they make my butt and legs look good ;-)

The rest of me hurts from the really fun activities of this weekend at the Lake of the Ozarks. I got driven around on a jet ski and well, I got thrown off 3 times (the driver claims only one of these times was intentional, but I have my doubts). It was a total blast, but my butt is SORE from slamming into the side of the jet ski on my way down. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time so it was totally worth the pain and the lost and gone forever sunglasses (at least they were cheap ones). My back, neck, shoulders, and arms are sore from the tubing. We got pulled around in a big tube and bounced around on the lake. I was holding on for my dear life, and again, a total blast. I felt like a teenager - part of that was probably going on the lake vacation with my parents and family friends, but part of it was just the joy of playing on the lake. It was great to relax in the sun, go for boat rides, play in the lake, and eat badly (oh, the best cookies and cakes, hot dogs and smores...mmmmmmm).

Weight: 161.5 (ug, but after my eating at the lake, not a big surprise - I gotta get this back under control!)

holy crap

I had a number of blog posts I wanted to write today. I went on somewhat of an exercise binge today (spinning class, sculpt and tone class, 2 hours of biking the Katy) and I've discovered a new favorite food (locally made all natural peanut butter), but I have to write about something else because I need my heart to stop racing.

My bike rack broke on the highway. Yep, BROKE! My bike was then being held onto my car by 1 strap and the cord I use to keep my front wheel from moving around. The back wheel had moved off the rack and WAS DRAGGING ON THE GROUND!! I don't have a cheap bike rack- nope - I recently spent over $100 to buy a Saris Bones-3 bike rack. Its supposed to be one of the top trunk racks on the market. One of the straps that holds the bike to the rack snapped right in half right where it joins to the rack. I want to cry - I love the bike rack, but now how can I trust it anymore (there are two other slots that aren't broken)? I need a good bike rack cause I have to drive a couple hundred miles next weekend for a bike trip I have planned.

I just never expected anything like this to happen. I expected if there was ever a problem with my bike rack it would be because I had installed something wrong. But, this wasn't my error. I have no idea how this could have happened, and I don't know what to do to prevent it. Luckily I was able to get off the highway and put the bike on a different slot without incident. Hearing the sound of that plastic snapping (and I heard it snap) is going to continue to freak me out for a while.

After I get back from the road trip next weekend, I think I will be sending the rack in to Saris. Its supposed to have a lifetime warranty - hopefully they will replace the part.

Vegan Pad Thai

So, when your lunch makes you want to vomit, you know you have done something terribly wrong. Lately, I've been attempting to eat vegetarian for most meals of the day - in part because it tends to be lower calorie and in part because its environmentally friendly. Anyway, I had purchased this vegan pad thai at whole foods cause I wanted a change for the wonderful Amy's Organic meals that I love so much. This was a mistake. The smell wasn't particularly appetizing, but I never let that rule my food decisions by itself. I've had some quite yummy frozen entrees that don't smell so great. What got me, though, was the taste and texture. Bleech! Luckilly the smell wasn't too strong so I didn't have to take the uneaten box out to the bathroom trash to dispose of the stink - it could just go in the regular trash can.

Then I found something else to eat in the cafeteria - yummy popcorn shrimp and french fries. Nothing about this was the healthiest option, but man was it good.

Weight: 161 (ug)

traveling woman

Well, my mission to avoid being at home as much as possible during the month that I am home with my parents is working quite well. This trip to Chicago for the weekend was quite a blast. I got into the city at about 11 pm on Friday night, and what a night it was. One of my friends from law school had flown in for the weekend from DC for a wedding and he wanted to go clubbin’. The thing about Navid is that he doesn’t drink, but boy really can dance. We didn’t even head out until 12:30 and then we headed down to the Rush street area. The bars aren’t really my scene. They are the kind of places that make me feel old, but I suppose that can’t be helped. We hung out at a table at one bar until about 2, when our friend Scott finally showed up (he had a prior karaoke engagement, apparently). Only problem was that Scott had gym shoes on – the bar was not going to let him in, even after Laura tried to use her feminine whiles on the bouncer. So then we had to leave, and find a new bar – at 2 a.m. We ended up at another bar that in the past has really really not been my scene. I had a blast that night, but it wasn’t cause of the bar, it was cause of my friends. Navid is a great guy to dance with – he knows how to dance but he also keeps an appropriate distance so that I don’t feel at all uncomfortable. The bar was one of those places that constantly amaze me. People were making out every where, couples were grinding on the floor – craziness. What did I expect from a bar after 2 a.m. on a Friday night? We finally got back to Laura’s place at about 4, and sadly, I only managed to sleep until sunrise. I stayed in bed until 9, but I have gotten to the point where I can’t sleep well after the sun comes up. Its really sad.

Saturday involved a trip to Target, where I encountered my first (English as a native language) person who had no idea what a cooler was. She just looked at us with a completely blank stare when we asked her where they were in the store. The sad thing was I was so shocked by her complete lack of understanding that I couldn’t think of a description of a cooler. The best I could come up with was “you know, one of those things that people sometimes put ice in.” Somehow my magnificent description allowed her to tell us that they were in fact downstairs (actually the ones we wanted were upstairs, but we later discovered that they were also downstairs so perhaps she wasn’t a complete moron). The morning was rounded out with a trip to the grocery store, and then there was an afternoon of eating. We got back to Laura’s around 1:00 and she had invited people over for a BBQ. The BBQ ended up lasting all day long, and she wouldn’t start grilling till other people got there. Now Cheerios are all well and good, but at bowl of Cheerios at 9 a.m. will not see me through until 3 p.m. so I started snacking, and snacking, and snacking. I think I consumed about 1000 calories worth of pretzels. It was a perfect Saturday in Chicago to be sitting out on a roof deck, sunny and about 80-85. But, by the time the BBQ ended, I was exhausted and very very full of pretzel and fruit salad. We had planned to meet the law school crowd out again after a nap, but when I woke from my nap at 11 (there’s more of a story there) no one wanted to go out anymore.

Today was kinda dreary and bleak. We got a nice brunch out – mmmm eggs benedict. Then we sat around watching the Cubs/Sox game and then Indiana Jones. I had forgotten how much those snakes creep me out. I think that movie (Lost Arc) is what inspired my fear of snakes. When I was really little I used to not be scared of snakes at all and would even catch them in my creek. Now, I freak out even when I see a completely harmless one on the path when I’m riding my bike.

So, my one disappointment of the weekend was that I didn’t get to see Sean (train boy) at all. He invited me to a party on Friday night, but none of my friends wanted to go (I don’t blame them). I called him on Saturday to invite him to the BBQ, but I didn’t hear from him until 11 (that’s what woke me from my “nap.”). We made plans to get together this afternoon, but then he told me where to meet him. Then I got a call from him after I had gotten back on the train to go home. I sort of feel like it was intentional, but who knows? I certainly didn’t make too much of an extra effort to see him, and so I didn’t really expect him to go out of his way to see me. Still, if he didn’t intend to hang out today, he shouldn’t have told me last night that we would hang out at a bar this afternoon. I don’t really care, but I must care more than I think I do because I’m writing about it here. Oh well…

As far as athletic stuff goes, I actually did sign up for that bike trip the first weekend in June. I’m a little nervous about the 70 miles in 2 days. That’s the longest I’ve ever ridden in two days together. Also, I hope the Tunnel Hill Trail is just as flat as easy as the Katy trail and doesn’t have an incline like Grant’s trail.

Stupid

I can't even begin to describe to you all how mad at myself I am right now. This morning when I got to work, I realized that I had left my cell phone at home. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. I don't use my phone much at work, but today, I needed my phone cause I'm catching a train to Chicago at 5:00. I don't know most people's numbers without my cell phone, including the number for the girl I'm supposed to be staying with. So, at lunch time, I took an extra long lunch break and drove all the way home (50 miles round trip) to get my cell phone.

I got home, grabbed the cell phone and charger and decided that while I was home, I should change shirts cause it was chillier here than expected (so undoubtably its colder in Chicago). I listened to my voicemail as I went up the stairs, deleted the voicemail, set the phone down on my bad, changed shirts, got back in my car and drove home. As you will note, there is a slight step missing in that sentence - picking the phone back up off the bed. I got to the parking garage at work and decided that I should check to see what time it is. I began digging in my purse, but no cell phone. I dumped out the contents of my purse, but still no cell phone. Now, that's what I call stupid.

Anyway, my dad is currently on his way, driving downtown (50 miles roundtrip remember) to bring me my cell phone. My own stupidity amazes me sometimes...

Patience

I don't have a lot of patience, either with myself or with other people. Last night, I learned that this applies to my biking as well. I had gone for a ride on Grant's trail and was the first person at a cross walk waiting for the walk signal. This couple (who I had just passed) came riding up and pulled right in front of me. I was almost at the end of the bike path before the street, but even though they got there after me, this couple decided that they needed to place their bikes right in front of mine. This wouldn't have bothered me much, although it seemed pretty rude by itself. I mean, the rules of the road apply to biking too. I got there first so the line should have formed behind me. The problem - the signal changes to walk and the husband starts riding (their bikes weren't one in front of the other, but were side by side). Wife, who is parked directly in front of me, attempts to start riding, but can't get her bike going. In fact, she has to stop in the middle of the street and try again.

This really pissed me off. I have no problem with beginning bikers. Not that long ago, I consistently had problems starting my bike. No, my problem was that she intentionally placed her bike directly in front of mine, passing me to get to the front, and then couldn't start riding. This is so rude, I don't even know how to explain it. What possessed that couple to think that was a good idea? If you don't know how to start your bike at a light, wouldn't you stay at the back? Why would you hold up other people? Its not like they got there first and just didn't move back, nope, they intentionally passed me.

Its funny, while I enjoy biking more than running most days, I enjoy runners more than bikers. Runners nod hello, are willing to go on training runs with people with less skill, and generally just nicer all the way around. Bikers on the other hand tend to be so focused on what they are doing that they don't notice anyone else. Its just interesting.

BTW - today was national bike to work day. I didn't bike to work because my commute is 25 miles each way over a very very hilly city. It would have taken me the rest of my life to bike to work (partially cause I would have died on the hills long before I got to the city). If it was next month I probably would have ridden in cause my apartment is much much closer to work. Regardless, I found it interesting that I didn't see a single biker on my entire trip in. This is likely because I drive in at the very end of rush hour for work and also because almost my entire commute is on the interstate.

Bicycle, bicyle goes so fast

Yesterday, I went for my first bike ride of the year. I had really missed it, and now I know why those weekends spent running felt so painful - I enjoyed this so much more (well, until I realized that setting out on a 30 mile bike ride when I no longer had a biker's butt was not a good idea). I rode 30 miles on the Katy trail. I was actually really worried that I wouldn't be able to do this ride yesterday. As some of you may know, Missouri is dealing with a wee bit of flooding right now. There was talk that the Missouri might be covering highway 94 at Klondike and that would have meant it was covering the trail too. As you can see, the river and tributaries were pretty high. Luckily, the river crested at lower levels than they were predicting and everything I care about stayed dry. The news media keeps comparing this flood to the Flood of '93, but its nothing like it. Even though the river is nearly as high, many of the houses that were in the flood zone back then have been moved,and those last couple feet make a huge difference in damage.


Yesterday was perfect weather on the trail. When I started out it was about 70 degrees and sunny. There wasn't a cloud in the sky all day, and after the days of thunderstorms that was pretty great. For those of you who think of my home state as fly over territory (which I won't argue with), I will say that Missouri is beautiful. It has some of the most gorgeous landscapes in the country. Its not like Kansas - we have hills as well as plains (some people pretend the Ozark hills are mountains but come on people, if you have seen real mountains, you know better). The Katy is an old railroad line so its pretty flat, and it runs along the Missouri river basin so the land around it is pretty flat too. But, there are rolling hills in the distance. In fact, some of the hills are up close and personal and you can see where the railroad cut through the landscape to form the trail.

Around mile 17 or so, this guy passed me in opposite direction and wondered how far I was riding that day. When I told him that I planned to do 30 that day and that I figured that was enough for my first ride of the year, he told me I was gonna be sore tomorrow. I said probably not, other than my butt hurting. Without blinking, he replied that was probably because I was "so athletic." Despite the fact that I ran a half marathon last month and set out for a 30 mile bike ride without a second thought yesterday, I still don't see or think of myself as athletic. If I signed up for match.com again (ummm...unlikely to happen anytime soon btw), I would certainly not check the "athletic and fit" box for body type (I think of myself as "about average"). Anyway, that was such a great compliment for me partially because it was just such an off hand comment for that guy. To him, I look athletic - how cool is that!? Maybe I just have a distorted body image (I think this is very possible). Anyway, that was a big excitement for the day.

I also experienced the biking bonk for the first time. By the time I stopped for
lunch, I had ridden about 20 miles on a half a bagel and some tomatoes. I was starving, I didn't realize how hungry I was until I got off the bike and walked up the hill to order my favorite biking lunch (beer and the best darn grouper sandwich north of Florida). By the time I got to the bar to place my order, I was practically shaking and almost felt like I was going to throw up. I desperately needed to eat. I drank about half the beer and a bottle of water while waiting for my oh so wonderful sandwich. I don't know if the sandwich is really that good, or if I am always that hungry when I eat it. It doesn't matter - either way it is a sandwich that always tastes perfect to me and gives me exactly what I need. I also like the motto of the brewery in question.

By the time I got back to my car, my butt was hurting like no other. I'm beginning to worry about whether it will be able to handle the 70 mile weekend I have planned for the first weekend in June. I'm sure it will be fine as long as I get some miles in between now and then. I was going to ride today, but I decided that my butt needed an extra day off. Tomorrow I have my second Zumba session. I loved the first class, and I figure it can only get better as I figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. I'm getting less than 10 miles in a week running these days, and honestly that feels pretty good. I'm not getting out of shape, but I have time for these other things that I love doing.

Weight: 157.5 (yesterday morning)

P.S. - In case you didn't realize I finally took my camera with me so I could record a little bit of my life to share with you all. Hope you enjoy the pictures:-)

and I just posted about being a feminist

I sort of debated about whether I should post this. I won't say who I received this email from and I'm kind of mortified that anyone would send this to me. I originally wanted to pretend like it didn't happen, but after I told e about it, she encouraged me to confront him and to tell you all. This decreases my faith in men. This is the email I received (copied word for word) today from a married man who was on law journal with me:

"You looked terrific at the bar ceremony. Did I notice a tan? And your hair was done? very sexy -- you're an impressive woman -- especially in a suit. I'm glad I was wearing loose pants when I watched you walk across the stage -- You have a confident walk, and it accentuates that small, sexy little butt you have.

Since I've been unsuccessful in getting you out for a drink, ;), we'll have to get lunch one of these days when it's warm an sunny outside -- Is it work approrpriate to wear those pants that only go to your calves? that are tight around your hips? ;) and a little sleevless shirt? --- just a suggestion. ;) -- but of course if you go out with me wearing something like this, you'll have to forgive me if I lean my head back once or twice to peek at that small, sexy little butt -- but I promise I won't make a scene, ;)"

In no world would this be an appropriate email to send to a professional acquaintance. Its particularly sleazy because said man is MARRIED. When I first began receiving flirtatious emails from him, I had forgotten this fact (I've never met his wife and he and I weren't good friends in law school). I flirted back, and we went out to lunch a couple times. When I realized he was married, I ditched him on a weekend evening when we were supposed to meet for drinks. I haven't seen or heard from him since then. Even still, I never expected to get such an email from him. I can't attribute this email to a "drunk email" - it was sent at 8:30 this morning.

The feminist in me is mortified that someone would be thinking that as I was handed my license to practice law. How degrading as a woman! I'm not sure what to do? Should I confront him and tell him that this email is not appropriate and that I do not want to talk to him again? Its sad cause I do enjoy his company (on a TOTALLY platonic level), but this is just not acceptable. Even if he wasn't married, this email would not be acceptable. I can't imagine why he thinks that this is something any woman would want to read. Am I wrong?

It just makes me sad...

ok, I'm a feminist

I don't normally associate myself with the word feminist. Its not that I think that I'm not, its more that I am lucky enough not to need to think about it. I can live the life that I want to live.

Today, as I sat in the Illinois Bar swearing in ceremony, I was reminded of one of my pet peeves - "girly" handshakes. I have nothing against girly handshakes in the proper context. Debutantes are welcome to shake hands with men by just using the tips of their fingers. Women who frequent Renaissance fairs are welcome to use this gesture. I can't really think of any other place that they are appropriate, but I'm sure there are some. Where I find them unacceptable is in any business context. They bother me because they say that women shouldn't be treated the same as men that we are too delicate. They really aggravate me because they are the reason why men often attempt to give me one as well. Women who give the "girly" handshake in business situations cause men not to know how to treat those of us who shake hands like regular people. Watching several women give the girly handshake to an Illinois Supreme Court judge made me angry and embarrassed. Its such a simple gesture that says so much about how we expect to be treated.

On another "feminist" issue, I'm fascinated with people who are mortified that I wouldn't want to take my potential future husband's name. Its not that I'm against women taking their husband's names on principal. Honestly, I don't really care what other people do, but people seem offended that I will probably keep my last name for the rest of my life (don't ask me how this comes up in conversation, I don't really understand that myself). When I was younger, I liked the thought of losing my last name. My last name causes people to make certain assumptions about me - which while perhaps true about my father are not true about me. Its very Jewish, and dad is Jewish, but I'm Catholic. My (ex-nun) mother came at the request of the school and taught my elementary school about Jewish holidays like Hanukkah, and I dread facing a similar request myself. I don't know much more about the Jewish holidays than the average Catholic person. Anyway, not long ago I came to the realization that I will likely have my last name for the rest of my life. I want to keep my name because it means something. I sometimes think that I would be shooting myself in the foot if I took on another name. I'm in a career where networking is especially important. People I met in college and law school will hopefully be people I interact with in the future. I will have to build a client base and keep myself employed. If I shed my last name, I shed all of those connections. People I meet now or don't keep in good touch with will not know this new named person. I'm a professional and no one would expect a professional man to give up his business name because he got married. Now, potentially, I could hyphenate. Hyphenating is not for me. My last name is already nine letters and three syllables long. Adding anything on to that is absurd. Now, what I want to know is who am I hurting by keeping this name forever? When one of my friend married and kept her last name, the minister kept insinuating that this was terrible, that she wasn't respecting her husband, that it foretold bad things for the future of their marriage. Why? I don't understand. Alright, enough feminism for now...

cycling for a cause...

So, I don't normally link to other people's blogs. I actually read quite a few, but I figure with my audience mostly being six people I knew in college, I really don't have much advertising strength. That being said, one of my favorite blogs is Fat Cyclist. He's very funny and makes me wish I were an endurance cyclist. I feel like I know him, even though he wouldn't have the foggiest idea who I am if we ever met. He seems like a very cool guy, though. Right now, he's going through a rough patch - his wife's cancer has come back and she's in the middle of treatment. He's thinking about creating a pink jersey in her honor. The company that makes the jerseys isn't going make a profit on them, its a good jersey company, and the profits are going to cancer research and his wife's jewelry making hobby. I want one, this is something I really can support, and I just thought I would let you all know that its out there.

wants to be big time

Memphis is weird. As my friend Matt put it, it wants to be a real grown up city, and it tries really really hard, but it just doesn't quite get it right. Take for example, the trolley. What is the point of the trolley? Does it actually function as a public transportation system even though it really doesn't go anyway? Is it really helpful that it travels the length of Main Street? Now, honestly, I shouldn't be criticizing other cities' public transportation systems because I live in St. Louis. In St. Louis, paying for "metrolink" is largely optional. Sometimes a guy gets on the train and makes sure that you have a valid ticket, but oftentimes he does not. Metrolink also doesn't really go anyway (well, it now goes to Clayton, downtown, and the airport) so again, I have no room to speak.

Another aspect of Memphis just not quite being a real city is the sports. I enjoyed my Redbirds game quite a bit, but I was not alone in the stadium in wearing Cardinals paraphernalia. Its a bit odd to be in a city 300 miles away from home and have the baseball fans be St. Louis fans. I love the Cards, but it seems odd. The Redbirds are the Cards' AAA minor league team, so it makes sense, but why not just wear Redbirds gear?

Well, one thing Memphis does right is Bar-B-Q, and I must admit that I partook. mmmmmm...so good, on Texas toast...

Also, I have a love for the Flying Saucer (its one of a chain of restaurants that pretends its not part of a chain) because of its pretzels and beer. Lots and lots of kinds of yummy beers, beer flights, ciders, and did I mention beer. The pretzels were also quite yummy. A trip to Memphis is worth the drive just for the visit to the Bar-B-Q Shop and the Flying Saucer.

As you can tell it was not a good weekend for my weight. Today, I'm trying something new - one of my friends just got licensed to teach Zumba and she is offering an experimental class (to work out the bugs of teaching a class before she agrees to do it at her gym). I'm really looking forward to it.

nothing much happening

Sorry, I haven't written since I got back from vacation. The cruise was good, not awesome, not terrible. All in all, I did alright on the eating plan (my weight last Monday at ww was 159.5 - so I was down from my last weigh in). I really don't have much to write about with it though. I refuse to complain in my online journal about a vacation that many people would kill for. I enjoyed spending some time with my family, enjoyed good food and wine, got minorly sunburned, and read 6 books. That about covers it.

This week the big change is that the 'rents are back from Florida. I wasn't expecting them until more like mid-month and thought I wouldn't have a lot of sharing the house time after their return. I was wrong. They came back last Wednesday, and its taking a bit of getting used to. I'm just not accustomed to someone wanting to talk to me at 7:50 as I eat my bowl of Kashi, watch reruns of Charmed, check my email, and get out of the house by 8:10. I'm not used to people wanting to know if I'll be home for dinner. I'm not used to having to think about when I can do laundry because other people are using the washer. I'm not used to parking on the curb and having to brave the rain. Really, so far the talking in the morning thing is the biggest problem. My mom has had several conversations with me already that I don't really recall at all. She talks, I grunt, and apparently she thinks that we have communicated about something. I'm not a morning person. The nice thing is that they make me coffee in the morning - I think its to make me more of a human being.

Oh, one more thing I'm not used to, the body image comments from my mother. This morning, she asked me "Oh, so I see you are wearing the size 8 pants today." I responded that I wasn't, that I was wearing the size 10 pants (not something I'm either happy or proud about). I didn't ask her, but I immediately began wondering what she meant by that comment. So much so that when I got to work, I asked one of my coworkers if my pants looked too tight on me. Was my mom trying to tell me that my pants looked to small and I needed to move up a size? Was she trying to say that it didn't look like I was wearing the ginormous size 12 pants (I didn't own size 10 pants - yes they are all the same, gotta love ann taylor triacetate - when she left to go to Florida so I either wore the kinda small on me size 8s or the way big on me size 12). I don't know. Having her here commenting on the way I look, what I'm wearing for makeup, and my clothing choices is really bad for my self image.

To make the sharing the house time longer, I was a nice person and told my future landlord that we would be ok with moving in a little over a week late because the current tenant is having problems with the house he is building. This means that I need to come up with ways to be out of the house. This weekend, I'm headed to Memphis to catch a AAA baseball game, drink some beer, eat some BBQ, and maybe hang out a little on Beale Street. Next weekend, I'm thinking a possible trip to Chicago. I recently figured out that I have to stay here for Memorial day weekend because my godparents' daughter's (and one of my best friends from childhood's) wedding is that Saturday. I had been thinking of a trip either to NY to visit my friend Courtney or ABQ to visit Elisabeth. Now neither of those trips will happen for a little while.

The one other trip option I'm thinking about right now is for the first weekend in June (my last weekend living with the 'rents). There is this bike trip in Southern Illinois. I've never done a bike trip before, and this one looks really doable for me. Its on a rails-to-trails bike trail and you ride 35 miles a day. 35 miles is longer than any of my rides last year (longest I did was about 30), but I really think 35 is not unreasonable, especially since we wouldn't really be doing hills (rails-to-trails). The price is reasonable considering it includes lodging and some food. I've got to make a decision by May 10 if I want to register, and I really think I might. Its the kind of thing I've wanted to do for a while. Any thoughts?

Weight: 160.5 (home scale - I don't like it, but its that time of the month so whatever)
Worked out 3 days this week with some minor running. Its amazing how quickly you lose the leg/lung power. But, part of it was the one of those runs was in 90 degree temps and you all know how I feel about running in the heat (ICK!)

Vacation time

This week I have only run 2 days. One day was the half marathon and the other was just a quick jaunt on the treadmill on Wednesday night. I didn't get a workout in yesterday, and I don't regret it a bit. Instead, I had a fantastic date with a really interesting guy. Not exactly rocket science to decide what I enjoyed more. True, I could have done both, but I didn't think I had time last night. Tonight, I probably won't get a real workout (by real, I mean cardio) in either because my feet have a happy appointment with a pedicurist. I've gotten over my fear of ridicule for my non-contagious (according to my doctor and webmd) bacteria infection. My toes are gonna look pretty on the cruise. That's right- for those of you who don't know, I won't be posting for a while because I will be sailing my stress away in the Caribbean. Not that I'm stressed compared to my friends at law firms.

I'm actually really concerned about this cruise. If I have learned anything about my eating habits, it is that I tend to eat like a crazy person around my family or an all-you-can-eat buffet. Either of these situations usually results in me gaining between 2 and 5 pounds (I wasn't kidding when I said I eat like a crazy person). Since the cruise will combine my family with all-you-can-eat food, nothing good can come of this. I do have a plan, but I always have a "plan" for these situations. The problem is actually following the plan.

The plan: Eat fruit and egg for breakfast, salad for lunch, fruit or veggies for snacks, and relative free reign for dinner (meaning I can order dessert and drink wine). It also includes taking at least an hour for fitness a day whether hitting the treadmills, the stationary bike, the track, or the lap pool in addition to whatever activity I naturally get (aka snorkeling or SCUBA diving). Its a good plan. I just have to stick to it. I don't want to come back and have none of my clothes fit. I'm already heavier than I would like to be, and I refuse to allow this vacation to make me feel bad about myself.

So, any suggestions? Anybody face the cruise ship and won?

Weight: 159.5

shoes...sigh...

I've been thinking about a pair of shoes lately. They were the perfect pair of summer sandals. They were cute and black and strappy and the heels weren't too high and the heels weren't too low. They looked great with a sexy dress or with work pants. They never caused blisters. They packed really easily. People were constantly complementing me on them.

These shoes didn't leave me because they went out of style, no, they died a glorious death that involved rubber bands, masking tape, dancing barefoot, and Boston. Its a night I won't soon forget, but it ended with my beloved shoes in a trash can. Its been over a year since that fateful night, and I haven't found any shoes to replace them. All the replacement shoes just can't live up - they cause blisters (I'd don't get blisters from running these days...noooo...just from damn uncomfortable shoes), the back strap falls off, they are too high, or too platformy. They just aren't perfect.

I told one of my coworkers about the perfect shoes the other day because they are the only shoes I have ever worn until they literally fell apart. Ever since then I've been thinking of those shoes. Today I decided to search for them. Maybe zappos could give me back my perfect shoes or ebay. Alas, its not to be. While the shoes are available on ebay, they aren't in my size. Anybody know what the name of those shoes is? It might help with the search. I think I need to move on...sigh...

Weight: 159.5
No running today

life is weird

So last night I continued my trend of picking up guys in weird places. This time was in the sauna of a gym I never go to but had paid for day pass so I could swim laps. I had just gotten done with forty-five minutes of swimming - nothing too strenuous, but a nice relaxing free style. Generally, I find swimming boring since you can't really listen to music while swimming (I don't have a waterproof ipod case), but yesterday's swim was pretty great. It helped me clear my mind and get through the general sadness that has been hanging over me since the events of Monday. Anyway, went into the sauna to sweat a little more and dry my hair a little bit (yeah I know that's weird too...but being in the sauna feels good). I ended up staying so I could talk to this guy - he was pretty nice and made me laugh. I couldn't have looked worse either - I had that ratty swimming hair. My face was completely red from being in the sauna. In other words, I did not look hot.

Nothing serious here cause the boy is leaving for boot camp (Marines) in less than a month, but that doesn't mean I can't have a little fun. Maybe the best part was that it came out in conversation that I am much thinner than I used to be. This is maybe the first time that I have told people about my weight issues from the beginning. It kinda feels nice being up front about this. Anyway, having dinner with him tomorrow.

:-D

Miles: 2.8 (30 minutes)
Weight: 160

St. Louis Half Marathon

I did it. It was an incredible experience, and I will try to do it justice here. What surprised me the most was how emotionally invested I became in the race.

First, I have to say how glad I am that Cathy agreed to run the race with me and fly out here this weekend. If I hadn't known she had signed up, bought an airline ticket, and was coming, I might have bailed on this race when my original running partner dropped out. Although I didn't run the entire race with her, she made this race for me. I can't imagine doing it without her.

As for the race, I'll try my best to relive the experience here:

Before the race started it was a very chilly morning in the low to mid 30s. Luckily the sky was totally clear; Saturday had been a day of rain, all day. It was cold and windy and wet and would have been horrible to run in. Sunday would turn out to be perfect. We were cold at the starting line, dressed in layers with trash bags and gloves we had picked up at the expo on Saturday. A couple of cute boys were lined up behind us, and we did some chatting with them. I had overheard them saying that they aimed to finish the half in less than 2 hours, so I knew they would drop us immediately after we crossed the starting line.

The race started promptly at 7 a.m. I had never experienced a race like this one before. We were pretty far back so the race started, and we stood still, waiting. We got to take two steps forward, but then we waited some more. It was almost 10 minutes before we got to the starting line. That's when the race began for real. I sort of set the pace for Cathy and I, a nice slow jog at about a 12 minute mile. We got passed by a bunch of people, but we also passed a bunch of people. We were neither the fastest nor the slowest people out there. Before we had even reached the first mile marker, we had shed our trash bags. I felt good - my legs didn't feel tired, my knees didn't hurt, and being part of that crowd was pretty amazing. As we headed down into Soulard, I shed my gloves and just kept going. There's a pretty major uphill before the run through the brewery (the the AB Clydesdales), and we walked a good portion of that hill. Smelling the hops as we flew down the hill inside the brewery was pretty awesome. I love the smell of beer brewing - its a combination of yeast and hops and smells as pretzelly and like home to me.

At about mile four I figured out that I needed to pee. I headed over toward some port-a-potties, but the line was too long and I didn't feel like stopping and waiting just yet, so we kept running. As we headed back to mile 6, which is pretty close to the start, I started to get emotional. The water stop woman sort of said some encouragement with my name (my name was on my number cause I registered early), and I almost lost it. For the first time, I found myself close to tears, and I had no idea why. I felt great. I didn't feel like I had already run 6 miles. I felt as fresh as if I was just starting a training run.

About this time, I noticed that we were hearing names being called. We were running pretty close to where the finish line would be, and we could hear as each of the early finishers came through. We watched them run past us in the opposite direction. For me it was incredible. I'll never be that fast. I don't envy them really and they don't make me feel bad about what I've accomplished. Instead they make me feel good. We were training at the same time, and we were running on the same course. They are truly impressive people and deserve accolades and it is a wonder to watch them run.

About that time we found empty port-a-potties, and I got my pee - THANK GOD!

Right about mile 7 Cathy and I parted ways. She hadn't done much training on hills, and most of my training was done on much hilly conditions than the race course. She needed to walk up the hills and I enjoyed running up them. I felt bad for leaving her, but I really wanted to do my best.

Shortly thereafter, I started running next to an older gentleman. He would be my companion until mile 9.5 when the marathon course split from the half marathon course. He was probably in his mid-seventies and had completed a marathon in all fifty states. St. Louis was his 10th marathon of 2007. Oh, and he was walking. His walking pace was the same as my running pace. We chatted and I got to hear about his life experiences. I learned that he had a total knee replacement and than 15 days later (15!!) he had completed a 5k. 8 weeks later he had done a full marathon. He was an astounding person, and I'm so glad I got to have the experience of meeting him and hearing his story. I don't run races with my ipod on, and that's part of the reason why. I wouldn't want to miss the race experience - chatting with random new people (like that man or the women I met who were also running their first half marathon). Hearing the random bagpipe player, folk band, or acoustic guitarist is part of what makes running a race so much fun. Its more than just running 13.1 miles - its about experiencing those miles.

I almost lost it again a little after mile 10. I was starting to feel tired, the sun was blazing in my eyes, and I was warm. That's when I saw my friends Heather and Mark, cheering for me. I'd never had anyone come out to cheer for me before that wasn't family. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. I waved frantically at them as I went past, all the while doing my best to keep from sobbing with joy. If I had started crying, I wouldn't have stopped, and if I was sobbing, I wouldn't have been able to breathe. This would not have been good.

At mile 11, a group of guys had set up a stand giving out beer. Ahh - living in a city that is the home of beer. I passed because I didn't want to take in anything at that point that I hadn't trained with - I didn't need to have stomach problems in the last few minutes. I found out later that Cathy gladly accepted a beer - gotta admit that after a run, nothing tastes quite as good.

I felt great going into the last couple miles. The hills seemed like nothing, and I knew I was almost there. There actually were crowds to cheer you on. I've got to admit that to some extent the people saying "don't give up, you're almost there" were a bit patronizing to me. I know they mean well, but no way was I going to give up. At that point walking wasn't an option, I knew I had this thing in the bag. The only thing that hurt on me were my feet (which was a new experience for me).

Somewhere between mile 10 and 12, I started getting passed my the fast marathon runners. They were incredible. It was awesome to hear the crowds cheering for them, telling them how great they were doing. They knew they were out of contention for first, but like me, at this point for them it was a race against the clock. I have no desire to run a marathon myself, but I am constantly astounded by that feat. It lifted me up to see them charge past me in those miles.

When I came to the mile 26 sign I knew I had more in me so I sprinted the finish line. I finished within seconds of a marathon runner, and it was pretty dang cool to hear his name get announced over the loud speaker. He was number 12 of all marathon finishers.

I lost it again when they placed the finishers ribbon around my neck. This time I allowed myself to cry a little - I think they might have thought I was in pain, but those were tears of pure joy and pride. I never would have believed that I could do it, that I could run a half marathon, before I started trying. The fact that I am not a natural runner, could hardly run at all as a child, and yet have achieved something so amazing makes me believe in the ability of the human spirit. If I can do this, what limits really are there for me?

Miles: 13.1 (chip time 2:39:25)

one more day

In about 15 minutes, I'm leaving to pick Cathy up from the airport. I'm bringing my digital camera, and we're gonna go do the St. Louis sites today. So exciting. The race is tomorrow and today we are going by the expo to get our packets then grabbing lunch and going up in the arch. I think a brewery tour might also be in store. YAY Cathy visiting!

a different kind of women's issues

This month's edition of Runner's World actually raised an issue I've been meaning to write about for a while - women in running. Amazingly, I think a lot of people in my generation are completely unaware of how much this sport has changed for women in the 30 years or so. It used to be believed that distance running hurt women's reproductive abilities. Women weren't allowed to even try to prove that they could handle running. No one believed we were capable of doing it.

Not until 1971 were women officially allowed to enter the Boston marathon. There wasn't a women's Olympic marathon until 1982 - 1982!! Today, its recognized that women can handle long distance running, and in fact, women may excel at distance running even more than men. Unlike many other sports, in ultra-marathons, women can actually beat men. For example, Pam Reed has won the Badwater Ultramarathon twice.

It makes me realize that my running is also a proud feminist statement. I'm not just taking care of myself, but I'm continuing to stand up for my right to run. Just like I can't imagine being held back in my career by my sex, I can't imagine being held back in my ability to run a race because I'm a woman. Within my lifetime, this is such a major change. Its hard for me to even imagine the world as it was for those trailblazers in the 60s and 70s. It makes me feel responsible to stand up for what I believe in. The world won't change unless somebody makes it. This is also why women's races are so important. Its not that we should exclude men, its more that we need to recognize how much women have overcome. The women's movement has revolutionized our world as much as the civil rights movement did, and I think its important to acknowledge that history. Women were and still are a disadvantaged group. We should be proud of our achievements.

I also think its interesting to note that the rise of women in running also correlates to the decline in elite running. I never hear that women are to blame for this decline, but perhaps that is part of what is underlying the argument that slow runners are degrading the sport. Over shorter races women generally are slower. The advent of running as an activity to stay in shape is probably pretty connected to women. Again, that's not a bad thing. Women have changed the sport, and those women who did deserve all of our admiration.

Weight: 158
Miles: 3 (treadmill 32:40)

guilt

Today's run was really bad. It started out great and ended just terribly.

I'll start with the worst first. I almost hit a bicyclist on my way out of the park. I was entirely at fault. I just didn't see him until I almost pulled right into him. I know that is no excuse, and I'm so grateful that he started screaming at me as soon as he saw me pulling out. It probably saved his life. As a bicyclist, I'm horrified by this, mortified really. Is there really a hand gesture that's appropriate to say, "ummm...sorry I almost hit you, really glad you aren't dead?" or "screaming at me is totally appropriate, and I'm a moron." I don't think I found the proper response (well, other than slamming on my breaks and not hitting the guy). It still freaks me out; I just wasn't expecting a bicycle to come flying around that corner. Next time I will be.

Then there was the run itself. I started having to pee about a mile in. So every restroom I came to, I tried to go in to use. Only they were all locked. As I came up to the third restroom, I crossed a rock path and ran up the grass. No luck, so I was going to keep heading done the path. I jogged back towards the running trail, needing to cross the rock path (aka drainage ditch) again. I didn't do it so well the second time. I turned my left ankle and fell almost flat on my face. My ankle hurt, my hands hurt, and one of my knees hurt. I decided it would be better to walk back to my car than to finish the run. After walking for about 5 minutes, I realized that my knee and ankle felt fine, so I ran back to the car. I only ran about 4 today, but I didn't want to risk greater injury at this stage in the game. My only lasting damage are some cuts on my hand. I think the distraction from feeling slightly injured may have created some of my stupidity when I was leaving the park.

don't get it

Last week, my mileage was pretty low comparatively speaking. I think I barely hit 20 miles. This week will be even less. The taper before a race is kinda nice. So far I'm not getting that "I really should be running more" feeling, but we will see. The hunger isn't as bad as it was a week or so ago, and maybe that explains what I'm confused about.

Last week, I attempted to follow the weight watchers core plan. I didn't really count the stuff that I ate that wasn't on core, I allowed myself to eat low fat cheese and vanilla soy milk without counting it. I ate out with friends and ordered what I wanted. I ate bites of dessert (mmmmm...nutella crepe...mmmmm). I drank alcohol (had to celebrate passing my second bar - yep passed Illinois, I'm gonna be double barred). Essentially, what I'm saying is that I didn't really follow the plan at all. I didn't feel guilty about it and I didn't eat until stuffed, and I generally ate healthy foods (fruit, veggies, low fat cheese, meat and whole grains), but certainly shouldn't have lost any weight. But I did. I don't really know how this happened, and I'm convinced that its just a fluxuation and that tomorrow I'll be up a pound or so. I hope I'm wrong and that kinda sort of following core, when putting in some semi-serious millage (20 miles in a week is nothing to sneeze at), works. Still, I don't get it.

Weight: 157.6 (official ww weight)
Miles: 6 (well, that's what I'm running tonight to kinda sort of make up for the 8 I was supposed to run yesterday in combination with the 2 that are in my dayplanner).

I don't wanna

I don't wanna run. I skipped my run today and yesterday, and I should feel bad about it, but I didn't want to run. I'm gonna do the park tomorrow after work, its a shorter run than I was supposed to do today, but I think its good enough to keep my cardio up.

Its funny cause on Friday they closed the office early so I could have gotten some good exercise in. Instead, I went by the bike shop and picked up my bike. I also hit the bank to get some cash for the weekend, and then went home for the night. I sat on my butt doing nothing, and I couldn't help but think that I should have stopped at the gym on my way home. It was cold and windy on Friday and I wasn't supposed to run, so it wasn't a great day to take out my bike. That's what I wanted to do, but I don't like wind. I hate wind. I really just felt like I had missed a great opportunity to be active on an afternoon that I felt like working out.

I feel lazy for skipping my run today. I slept in, went to an Easter dinner at 1, and then when I came home, I just watched an America's Next Top Model marathon on MTV. AHH - it felt like a weekend. I'm very excited about Cathy coming here next weekend, but I'm also very ready to not feel obligated to run.

Weight: 160
Miles: ug supposed to run 8, but ran none. I'm scheduled to run 2 tomorrow, but think I will do 5.75 instead. After that I'm sticking to the schedule this week.

women's issues

Today I got the Gardasil vaccine. This makes me nervous. I got it because I know more than one woman who has already had abnormal pap results at the age of 26. I got it because I know at least a couple women who have had to have surgery out of fear of cervical cancer. I got it because I have not yet had an abnormal pap, and I would like to avoid getting a perfectly preventable cancer.

But, it still freaks me out. I think it freaks me out because it appears that women's health means so much less to our doctors and researchers than men's health. If HPV was a virus that cause cancer in men, that potentially could cause men to die, that cannot be stopped by using a condom, and was far too common in the general population, don't you think that the scientists and doctors would have come up with a test for it by now? A girl can be having the safest possible sex, force her boyfriend to get std tested, and even make him wear a condom, and she can get a disease that can kill her if left untreated. Why isn't there a test for men? Doesn't this seem wrong. Women aren't just giving HPV to each other, and women are only tested for HPV if their paps come back abnormal. We know what the strains are that cause cancer, why isn't there a test?

I also am freaked out about Gardasil because we don't know what the long term side effects are. The medical profession routinely recommended that menopausal women go on hormone replacement therapy, only to years later discover that it increased the risk of breast cancer. Almost every menopausal woman was put on these drugs without knowing the risk that she was subjecting herself to. No long term studies have been done on the risk associated with Gardasil, but I couldn't wait for studies - I have to get the vaccine now. In just a few months, I'll be 27 and the FDA has only approved it for women up to the age of 26. If I waited, I couldn't get it or certainly my heath insurance wouldn't cover it. Will we find out in 5 years that Gardisil also creates an increased risk of other, more deadly, cancers? It freaks me out because there's so much we just don't know yet about this vaccine.

But, I decided it was worth it for me. The known risks are minimal - some tenderness, maybe some pain in my arm. I have great insurance so I can get the vaccine at only the cost of three copays - $60. I am a sexually active woman in my twenties. If I don't already have HPV, I'll likely get it. I think something like 90% of all sexually active women have HPV (though most don't have the forms that cause cervical cancer - and don't quote me on that statistic, I made it up). Most women don't know how prevalent HPV is. They don't know that isn't tested for when you get standard std tests. They don't know that condoms are fully effective.

I was going to add something about abstinence only education here, but political views are a no no for me. Be glad to share my views if you know me, but can't do it here

If you could...

Not that long ago, I was out at a restaurant sitting around a big round table with a group of people I didn't know (well, I knew one other person at the table, but even him, not so much). The discussion turned into one of those almost never have I ever conversations, but clearly no one really wanted to get into that discussion unless there was a lot more alcohol available. So, the subject changed, and one guy asked - if you could change anything about yourself, physical or personality wise, what would you change?

Its a tough question. Not to sound cocky or whatever, but I generally like me. I wouldn't really change the person that I am, and I generally am alright with my looks. The biggie is probably my weight, but magically being 20 pounds thinner wouldn't help too much cause well, as long as I didn't change my eating habits, I would just gain it right back. So I thought for a bit and decided I would change my metabolism. I know I was blessed with a terrible metabolism. I'm from a family of overweight people who have been born to overweight people. In addition to genetics, I wasn't active or athletic as a child and that just sets you up for such a great metabolism later in life. So that's what I would change. It wouldn't solve the problem, but it would put me on a more level playing field.

So, what would you change if you could change anything about yourself?

Miles to run: 6 (skipped my run yesterday so I could take my bike in to the shop for its spring tune up)
Weight: 159

degrading

Lately, there has been quite a discussion out there about how people like me are "degrading" the sport of running. It seems that "elite" runners are offended by people who run a five hour marathon. That what we do somehow makes running a marathon mean less. I've read this statement on a couple of blogs, and in fact, there was actually a long article on this published not too long ago on Slate http://www.slate.com/id/2149867

It offended me.

I have quite a lot to say about the idea that slow runners are degrading the marathon. In no other sport can I think of athletes complaining because there is increased public participation. I'm convinced that people who feel that way aren't truly elite runners. Does Tiger Woods think that the sport of golf is being degraded by my dad (who while a lovely person is not a lovely golfer) playing on the same course? Does anyone in the NBA think that pick up games on a street corner make their games mean less? Of course not. Slow marathoners don't hurt sub-two and a half hour marathoners at all. The achievement is just as great. Instead, the people who are hurt are the sort of fast marathoners. Just being able to run a marathon today isn't quite as impressive because more people know that they can do it. Does this mean that they shouldn't be able to do it?

Next, I get angry because those people assume that runners like me don't put in the training. No, we just don't have the natural ability to be as fast. I actually may spend MORE time on my training than a runner who could do the half marathon in just over an hour. My long runs take a LONG time. Running for me is a commitment. I can't pound out 8 miles in an hour, nope, I've got to plan on that taking almost two. Claiming that we have degraded running because we don't push ourselves as hard (which some people do) fails to acknowledge that people who aren't innately gifted will be slower no matter how hard they push themselves.

Finally, is there anything wrong with just being a recreational runner? I really can't think of any other sport where better athletes are offended by people doing something for their health or just for the love of the sport. What I do has no bearing on how you should feel about running. Instead of making the sport better by pushing people out, naysayers like that guy on slate are actually HURTING the sport. They make it less accessible to the public and make runners appear to be elitists who don't want to play nice or make new friends.

The sport of running has changed and is changing. Slowness doesn't make the sport worse. While I would agree that the number of elite runners might have declined as the masses were joining, this doesn't mean that the influx on non-elites caused the result. Correlation does not equal causation - didn't they learn this basic rule of statistics? Elite runners are recruited into other sports - basketball, football, field hockey, soccer - that a lot of people enjoy more than running just for the sake of running. I personally believe this might be more of a cause than additional public participation. People like team activities - it makes them feel like more than they are individually. And, running ultimately is an individual activity. Even in a race or while running with friends, your true competition is yourself.

Alright, enough of a rant for today.

Weight: 159 (officially ww weight - I'm trying something different this week - the Core plan. All this running makes me hungry all the time).
Miles: 2ish yesterday, none today.

side effects

Its seems that I have inspired a number of my friends to begin running based upon my blog posts here. While my posts aren't always positive (ummm...see the last week) regarding my running experience, they generally point out the good aspects or involve minor complaining. I just thought I would give you all a realistic idea of what bad side effects I've had from running.

First, there are the feet issues. I've been lucky so far with my feet. I haven't lost a toenail (happens all the time if your shoes don't fit right - one of the reasons why it is seriously worth it to go to a running store to buy your first pair of running shoes). I also haven't had bad blister issues. For a while last year, I had developed a blister on the inside of my right pinky toe that wouldn't go away - from rubbing against the next toe. No one could explain why I was getting it. It healed up while I wasn't running last summer and miraculously hasn't made a reappearance this training season. Even so, that blister wasn't a big deal cause it didn't hurt. Just looked ugly. The main reason why I think I have been so lucky with blisters, even on my long runs, is that I wear good socks. Repeat after me..."Cotton is Rotten!" Cotton socks cause blisters and make your feet stink (I think if I wore cotton socks my next foot issue would be even worse). I love my Wright Socks - they are nice and thin and prevent blisters. Worth every penny.

But, both last year and this year I have developed a WEIRD foot reaction to running - pitted keratolysis. Its a wonderful bacterial infection that causes pits in the bottom of your feet. It doesn't hurt and its not contagious. But, it can cause VERY stinky feet. Amazingly my feet have actually been less stinky lately than they were when I didn't have this problem. I discovered I had this for the first time last year while I was getting a pedicure and pedicurist freaked out. Apparently, soaking your feet makes the pits get bigger and more noticeable. Before that, I had no idea, it really didn't hurt and my feet honestly weren't that stinky. I knew it didn't look like athlete's foot, so I went to the health center and got diagnosed. The treatment is easy: wash your feet with anti-bacteria soap at least 2 times a day and apply an antibiotic cream. This time, when I went to the dermatologist, I talked to him because the treatment wasn't working (I suspect the extra miles are just creating a happy breeding ground for the bacteria). I got myself prescribed some expensive gel antibiotic gel (yay health insurance!). So far this is probably my worst side effect from running. The problem isn't really the infection - nope, its the fact that I'm too embarrassed to get a pedicure until it clears up.

Other side effects are usually only on the days I do a long run (6+ miles) - knee and hip pain. My Ace reusable cold compress is one of my favorite things these days. My knees don't hurt while running, but maybe an hour to two hours later - OUCH! I told you that I walk like a drunk old person after a long run, and this is why.

So there's your warning. Running can hurt and make you mortified to go to a pedicurist, but its worth it.

Miles: 11.5 (2 hours 5 minutes - with a couple stops :-D)
Weight: 160 (boo hiss)